I have always struggled with understanding why I am fat. I wasn't born that way. In fact I weighed just over 2 pounds at birth. I had no childhood trauma to cause me to retreat in to a wall of weight. I had a very typical childhood, I suppose. After getting over the preemie thing, I always tended toward the upper end of the weight charts. I was called 'fat' by the meanies at school. I really wasn't fat, just not as bony as the other children. Maybe I internalized that more than I realize, but I don't think so.
I think genetics played a significant role in the extra weight, plus I never have been a vegetable eater. Looking at family reunion pictures, I think most would agree that genetics could have dealt me a hand that included the fat card. It is on both sides of the house. The really, really thin people are the in-laws or the ones that got lucky genetically from the other side of their family tree. Perhaps the genes I have and the poor diet got me to 254.4 on the scales and maybe I can even blame that for the struggle to take it off, but I don't think that is the whole story.
As I've considered this issue, and read what others have endured, I've continually come back to the fact that I have no one or no thing to blame but me. I even thought I had no issues to work through. Frankly, I've got a pretty good life - good job, great husband & family, wonderful friends - no real complaints. So what is it?
I contemplate my blog posts for a while before I post them. I've been mulling this one over probably since the inception of the blog if not even beforehand. I've thought and thought about how to present my childhood and words like idyllic came to mind. I didn't (and don't) want to over blow things, but comparatively speaking, my childhood was indeed idyllic. As stated earlier, I got teased by the meanies on the playground for sure - who didn't? But I had a loving family around me all the time. My parents loved each other and my sisters and me. I had and still have a warm relationship with my cousins, aunts & uncles on both sides of my family. As I struggled to find a way to depict my life, without sounding too perfect, I realized that was my problem all along - perfectionism!!
I don't do anything before I take a good assessment of the situation and see what my odds are of 'winning'. If I'm not going to, I don't do it. I mean anything from playing sports to going to school to changing jobs. Same with this weight loss thing. I mentioned in my second blog entry about past failures and 'all or nothing' thinking. I could not see my success because I had not attained the ultimate goal. I addressed that some without even actually identifying it, when I left the final weight goal undefined. It was a little head game I was playing so that I would not fail yet again.
In the back of my mind, however, I had a goal to lose 100 pounds. At my lowest weight on this journey, I'd only lost 71.8 pounds. (I'm at 65.4 right now with the indulgence days damage.) Even then I kept thinking that was only 70% of my goal. That is only a C if your teacher is a generous grader. That is average. Why in the world would any one want to be average!!! Not me. I want only to be exceptional. What I have to do now is learn that every pound lost is a victory. That is success, Good heavens, losing 70 (or 65) pounds is exceptional. Most people don't do that. I am successful now, no matter what else happens.
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