Self Talk

I am becoming more and more aware of the messages I give myself both positive and negative. A few days ago I mentioned that I was telling myself horrible things about myself that simply weren't true, but somehow I believed them. Since that time, I've been working to halt those negative messages. The next step is to change them into positive ones.

I'm able to do that a good bit, if they are coming out of the blue. If, however, have even a kernel of truth in them, I still have a tendency to believe them. No way, am I going turn them in to a positive.

For instance, just yesterday, I forgot something and beat myself up about it all evening. 65MD and I facilitate a grief support group at various times and locations. We just started one last week on Monday nights. Yesterday was to be session two. I came home from work all giddy about some new skirts my co-worker had given me and proceeded to have a mini fashion show. 65MD was appreciative but a little low key about the whole thing, and oddly hadn't changed out of his dress clothes. I didn't ask and proceeded to put on some sweats and go through the mail. He came in and asked where the handouts where for our group, when I realized my error. No harm AT ALL was done. I had plenty of time to change clothes and gather the handouts. (I knew right where they were.) We got there without rushing at all. BUT, I chastised myself for the rest of the evening about forgetting something so important, especially over something so trivial.

I know that if the situation had been reversed and 65MD had forgotten rather than me, I would have brushed it off without a second thought. I know that isn't like him, and that it happens to everyone from time to time. It is no big deal. So, why, when it happens to me, do I start telling myself what a screw up I am. That I am shallow and self centered because I let a couple of skirts distract me from people that were hurting. Get the picture? It ain't pretty.

I'm not a screw up. I am intelligent woman and I care about people in need, but there was no way I was telling myself that last night.

Then this morning, as I donned an adorable giraffe print skirt that is a fuchsia/purple and black, paired with lovely black sweater, I thought that this was a cute outfit. And...I was even cute. Immediately, I snatched that thought back as prideful and egotistical. Not to mention, untrue.

I had an epiphany then. I was taught from a very early age not to be boastful. That people didn't like self centered people and I should always put others before myself. No matter how nice I looked, how smart I was, or anything else, there was some one that looked nicer, and was smarter, etc. Now, I don't believe that there is anything wrong with those lessons, but perhaps I've taken them to an extreme. I'm holding myself back from the natural pride in a job well done because I don't want to be considered arrogant. I may even be subconsciously sabotaging myself, so that I don't lose friends along with the weight. The smaller my body the bigger my ego and who wants to be around that!?

My brain knows that my friends are my friends no matter my weight. My brain knows that I am a nice looking woman. (it took me a while to muster the courage to even type that!) My heart is fearful of becoming self righteous and arrogant. My heart is afraid that I'll trade a part of my integrity for a smaller body.

I have got to figure out the balance between the two. The balance between a healthy self respect and an irritating arrogance. This is part of the mental/emotional struggle that makes up as much, or more, of weight loss as what eating plan is used. This is going to require as much vigilance, maybe more. Those thoughts are insidious. They sneak in unnoticed sometimes. I'm going to have to come up with a mantra, that I can use to repeat to myself over & over before the thoughts arise. Any suggestions?