Damage

This morning I weighed 181.4!!  YIKES!!!  I know the chips, cookies, Icee, etc. did not have 12,600 calories in them so this weight is largely water, probably from the salt on the chips.  So, it should drop right off.  I am armed with lemon infused ice water for the day.  I have my meals planned and my mind committed to staying on track.  I'll be fine.

Thanks Sharon for the encouragement!  I really needed that.  It isn't the end of the world, just a bump in the road. 

I believe the whole episode was caused by the sugar in the drink.  I even woke up hungry which is a rare thing for me.  I'll have to be tough for a couple of days while I detox yet again.

I appreciate the support of all my readers.

I Stumbled & Fell

My doctor's appointment was at 11:00.  I didn't eat breakfast.  I often don't.  I know the prevailing wisdom about breakfast, but right now I'm not eating it.  Maybe once I get over getting off the artificial sweeteners I'll address that, but I can only do so much at once.  Back to my story...    I was probably finished with the visit with the doctor by 11:45, but then I had to get blood drawn that took another 20 minutes.  Then my allergist is in the same building so I stopped in for my weekly allergy shots.  The shots didn't take any time at all, but I have to wait 20 minutes afterwards to make sure that there was no reaction.  It was headed towards 1:00 by the time I got out of there.  I was famished.

I had been really wanting an Icee lately.  It is one of my favorite summer time treats.  Burger King sells Frozen Coke which is almost the same thing, and there is one very near the doctor's office.  I decided to have one for lunch.  The BK website says that they have 140 calories, so I thought that would be a nice trade off.  Sadly one cola did not quite fill the void.

Later in the afternoon, I began snooping around the office for a nice snack.  I don't keep anything in my desk anymore not even low carb snacks because I have trouble with absent minded eating.  I can pile in a lot of food while I'm working and not even notice.  There had been a shower for one of our co-workers that is getting married in August, and there were some left over strawberries.  Good choice!!  There was also some nice creamy fruit dip left.  Quite yummy on the strawberries.  Not a good choice.  I stopped at two.  That is nothing to applaud because even though there were strawberries left, they didn't look so good.  They were a little whitish at the top.


I was really quite hungry when I got home and J-boy wanted to go to Cinco's.  This is where I struggle the most.  He is so supportive and always asks if it will fit in my current eating plan.  I just hate saying no to him all the time.  It feels like I'm being a B****, so I agreed.  I knew that I could get fajitas and eat only the meat & veggies like a salad almost, no tortillas.  J-boy wanted fajitas too, so we got fajitas for two.  Great!  That way he eats all the stuff I don't and my frugal nature is spared.  I got a portion of the fajitas on my little plate and ate quite contentedly.  J-boy was sculpting his share using the 'sides' and we were both happy.  After we'd both eaten all we wanted there was still at least half of the meat part and a whole plate of extras virtually untouched.  Still no problem. We got a 'to go' box and J-boy has lunch for tomorrow.





When we got home J-boy went out to mow the grass, and I decided to catch up on facebook.  I was mentally preparing myself for the inevitable gain that I was   going to see tomorrow, and drinking lots of water with lemon, trying to abate some of the damage.  Suddenly, I had to have chocolate.  I had to have chocolate bad.  I knew that there had to be some chocolate in the house someplace and I was going to find it.  And find it, I did.  Deep in the recesses of the laundry room freezer I found it.  Tagalongs!  I had taken them out of the brightly colored box so that they would not taunt me every time I opened the freezer.  They were in a zipper bag and they were hard to see.  I grabbed four and ran back to the computer with Petey (the dog) on my heels.  I was not about to share and told him so.

I calmed down for a while, but then wanted more cookies.  I battled the urge for a while, drinking the lemon water.  I turned on the TV.  There was Jillian!  That didn't help.  In fact it sort of made me mad. Of course people can lose weight with her standing there yelling at them.  What about the rest of us, who have to battle with girl scout cookies on our own?!?!  I got four more cookies.  It occurred to me to eat the rest of the cookies to get them out of the house so they wouldn't tempt me anymore.  Luckily, I came to my senses before that happened.  I still didn't throw them away.  I just can't throw away perfectly good food.  I know it isn't actually food, but in my brain it is still wasteful.

I've had a bath now and have a better perspective.  I'm confessing on the blog to keep it real.  I lost the battle, but the war isn't over.  I'll post the damage in the morning.  I'm moving forward from here.

Doctor Visit

I saw my PCP today. He's encouraged me to lose weight for years, but hasn't gotten all strict about it, just gentle encouragement and support. Now that I am actually losing weight he is very, very pleased. I saw him in March and when he insisted on seeing me again so quickly, I knew he wanted to monitor my weight. Knowing that the appointment was on the horizon kept me on the straight and narrow over the weekend when things were so horrible, so it at least served that purpose.




When I saw him today, he didn't weigh me. He only asked how much more weight had I lost. I was a little surprised. He didn't flinch when I confessed it was only 3 pounds. In fact, he was quite pleased that I lost weight at all with two trips between visits, one of which was a cruise. Of course, he checked all my vitals, bp, pulse, etc. Of course everything was fine.



Then he said he wanted to have blood drawn, which was quite surprising to me. Blood was drawn at the March visit and everything was fine. He said he was very concerned about gall bladder disease and gall stones, and this was necessary to check my lipids & liver enzymes. Apparently there is concern about such matters when individuals lose large amounts of weight. He is a good doctor and has taken care of me for lo these many years, so I agreed. I don't expect there to be any problems. I don't have any symptoms of gall bladder issues. I have heard of people losing lots of weight on a low fat diet and then splurging on pizza and having an attack because their gall bladders aren't used to producing enough bile to process that much fat. I had not, however, heard of a link between weight loss and gall bladder issues. I go back in October for another blood draw.



We also discussed realistic goals. He's been telling me 165. He has said he doesn't get "hung up on all that BMI stuff," and had given me that goal which would still place me in the overweight category. I secretly had a goal of 154.4, which is exactly 100 lbs gone. I wasn't going to tell him and just show up in his office all skinny. The closer I get to both goals, the more I believe that 145 is not only attainable but also desirable. He agreed, but cautioned me to take it one step at a time. He's right about that. I'm still obese, but oh so very close to overweight.



I'll get there. I just can't be in a hurry and frustrate myself.

Saturday Scale Report

This morning I weighed 177.8, up 0.2 lbs from last Saturday.  I was amazingly calm when I saw that.  I was even a little bit pleased.  That is practically maintaining for the week, and my goal for the week was shocking my body not weight loss. Although, yesterday's post indicated, I was expecting a bit of a loss.  That didn't happen.  Live and learn.  Right?


In the interest of full disclosure however, I must hasten to add that last night was awful.  I wanted ice cream so bad, I could almost taste it.  I kept thinking that if I was going to have a gain, I might has well have enjoyed it.  I didn't cheat.  I knew I'd feel even worse about myself if I caved. 

But, my real salvation was that J-boy and I had to pick my mother up from the airport during the worst of my cravings.  We'd just gone a short distance from our house when we saw the rain ahead.  We drove straight into one of the worst hailstorms ever.  The sane people were pulling over under overpasses until the worst of it passed.  Not J-boy & me, oh no, we forged ahead, with him insisting he could see.  I wasn't discouraging him because I'd learned that her flight was due to land early.  She's a bit of a nervous traveler so I had visions of her sitting at baggage claim like a little 5 year old wondering what to do.


This seemed to be a typical summer storm in the south.  I thought it would blow over in about 5 minutes.  It lasted much longer and the airport was impacted.  Her plane had landed 10 minutes early but no planes were taking off in the storm, thus there were no gates available for the passengers to deplane.  They sat on the tarmac for 20 or 30 minutes until the storm abated enough for it to be safe for planes to take off again.  Needless to say, J-boy & I got to baggage claim well ahead of her.  We didn't get home until well after 9:00 so it was much too late to eat anything.


I woke up this morning with a fresh perspective.  My next goal is to get below 175.5.  Then I'll merely be overweight, no longer obese!!  I'm focusing on the fresh food that is so readily available this time of year.  I spent my morning making dill pickles from fresh cucumbers from my back yard and dill from my herb garden.  I'll report again in about 6 weeks to say how absolutely delicious they are. 


I've had a good eating day so far today, no carbs and lots of water.  Soon, I'll no longer be obese!!

Not Feeling Good Between the Ears

I'm not feeling so good mentally today.  I know I said that the main purpose of this week's plan was to shake my body up and not worry about the weight, but I never anticipated gaining weight.  As of this morning I was up 0.4 lbs.  I know that isn't much, but it is so frustrating to stick 100% to plan and then see a gain no matter how small.  I feel so betrayed somehow.

Today I am drinking the water like crazy.  I hope that will literally flush out the excess weight.  It is back to low carb.  That works.  It is just slow and keeps getting slower.  Soon there will be lots of fresh food from my own back yard garden to enjoy.  Maybe that will help too.

I think maybe I was just eating too much fruit.  I had been limiting myself to two servings a day.  Even though those are the good carbs, I think my body just freaks out on any carbs.

It also doesn't help that I'm at work and J-boy is at home.  His class didn't make for next month, so he's doing independent study with those that signed up.  That means he doesn't have to go to work until mid-August!!  He'll have to show up for the odd meeting here and there, but he's not having to keep a schedule.  I'm so jealous of that I can hardly stand it.

OK...deep breath...drink water...hope for a better day tomorrow...

Day One

So, remember how I said that I was excited that J-boy was going to diet with me this week?  Hmm?  Yes??  Well...never mind!  I didn't mean it.

 

Yesterday was day one which is soup (or not) and fruit.  It was a great and glorious day for me.  I munched on icy cold watermelon, juicy, sweet pineapple, Rainier (white) cherries, and Bing (red) cherries all day long.  YUM!!  It was all I had imagined it to be.  Then I got home. 

 

The minute I walked in the door:

J-boy:  "Hey, you want to go to Cinco's tonight?"  (only my favorite Mexican restaurant)

me:  "Oh NO!  You aren't starting that!"

J-boy:  laughing "Just kidding."

J-boy & me - laughter

 

Very soon, thereafter:

J-boy ; "Can we have grape juice?"

me:  "No, I don't think so."

J-boy:  "Are you sure?  Grape juice is good for you.  It is made from grapes."

me:  "I'm pretty sure the list said cranberry juice.  We have some.  Why don't you get a glass of that?"

J-boy:  "I don't like cranberry juice.  I'm just going to drink some grape juice."

me: "Whatever."

 

Not much later:

J-boy:  "Did you know there was cake in the refrigerator?"

me:  "Yes."

J-boy:  "We can't have cake can we?"  (Let me point out at this juncture that I had told him to eat the cake or otherwise dispose of it over the weekend.)

me: "Nope.  Do you want me to throw it away?"  I was trying to be compassionate because I know how food starts talking the minute it is taboo.

J-boy:  "NO!"  with a bit of fear in his voice

me:  "Then you're just going to have to be strong.  Cake is not an option."

 

Soon thereafter:

J-boy:  "Can we have tea?"

me:  "Yes, but only unsweet."

J-boy:  "Well, if we can't have sweet tea, what can we drink?"

me:  "I feel your pain.  I've been struggling with that too.  Remember how I decided to give up artificial sweeteners?"

J-boy:  "Well, I'm having sweet tea anyway."

me:  "OK"

 

After a few minutes passed:

J-boy:  "So, the only thing we can eat today is fruit?"

me:  "Yes, and your soup."

J-boy:  "Does that mean no croutons in my soup?"

me:  beginning to lose my patience, opening the refrigerator  "See, what is in this drawer?"  pointing to the fruit "This is all you can have today."

J-boy:  "I like croutons in my soup."

me:  handing him the list of allowed foods  "Remember this?  This is our eating plan for the week."

J-boy:  "OK, but I don't like it."

me:  "I know this is hard.  Just think, you've almost made it through the first day.  Only 4 more to go.  You can do that."

J-boy:  intelligible muttering

 

 

After scanning the list:

J-boy:  "We get to eat baked potatoes tomorrow!"

me:  "Yes, that is something to look forward to."

J-boy:  "Do we get butter & sour cream?"

me:  pulling out large clumps of my own hair "Look at the list.  What does it say?"

J-boy:  "No bacon bits or cheese?"

me:  flailing myself on the floor and pounding my fists "Just eat, man, JUST EAT!!"

J-boy:  "What's wrong, sweetie?"

 

OK, so maybe I exaggerated just a wee bit, but we did have versions of every one of those conversations, and probably a few more that I have blocked from memory because it is just too painful to recall.  The man has never had a weight problem, and really only needs to lose about 20 lbs max.  He's developed a bit of a gut, and it is wise to get it under control now, before it becomes an issue.  He is a strong and intelligent man, so I was surprised by all his questions and concerns.  I had given him the food list, before he agreed to it.  Then all these questions, and complaints and wah, wah, wah!!!  I really was about to scream.

 

A Good Day

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts, prayers, good wishes, karma, etc. today.  I've been calm and serene today.  I've thought often of my dear Dad, and my grandfathers too, but it was with happiness and thankfulness for the legacy they left me.  I'll miss them until the day I die, but my mourning is turning in to appreciation. 


Of course I have a funny story for the day.  At church this morning there was a particularly emotional time, and I shed a tear or two.  They were happy tears.  I dabbed my eyes with a tissue and wiped my nose.  It was bleeding.  I had to scurry out to take care of that.  I slipped out as discreetly as I could, but still several people saw me.  Every single one thought it was because I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to dismiss myself.  So, I had to explain about the nosebleed several times after church.

I have such a loving group of friends.  I am truly blessed!

Funny Story & A Question

In my earlier post I forgot to relay the story of J-boy's pronouncement this morning.  We were laying in the bed when he reached down to my feet and said "From here (indicating my feet) to here (indicating the tops of my legs) and from here (the top of my head) to here (about the middle of my rib cage) you don't need to lose any more weight."  My dear, sweet, precious husband.  I love him so much and he is a very intelligent man, but I had to explain that isn't the way it works.  He said he knew that, he just wanted to tell me that he liked the size of those areas!!  Of course, I didn't need him to point out to me that my backside & belly are the issues.  They always have been.  It was sweet though, and gave me a morning chuckle.

On to the question - I am trying to get off artificial sweeteners.  I have stevia growing in the yard that will be ready in the late summer as I understand it.  In the meantime, I'm using all the artificial sweeteners that I have on hand and I'm not buying any more.  I'm not buying diet colas, or anything 'diet' that has artificial sweetener in it.  So, my question - What do I drink?  I suck down the water all day long.  Usually, after my third 32 oz glass of water I give myself a treat of tea, crystal light, or cherry coke zero.  Now what?  I've heard of agave nectar, but haven't done much research to know if it will work with hcg.  Honey won't.  I've used honey in between hcg, which has the added benefit of helping with allergies since it is local honey.  I mostly like that in hot tea, not as much in iced tea.  I'm drinking that plain more & more.  Still, I'd like some suggestions.  What are some good ideas?  What are some things that aren't exactly what they claimed?  I need to know.

Saturday Scale Report

I weighed 178.0 this morning.  I spent my early 30's stuck at 177 and thought I was fat.  Alas.  That is just 13 pounds from the goal the doctor set for me, and 24 from the goal I set for me.  The closer I get to those goals though, the more I think my goal should be more like 145, particularly when I see BMI charts.  But...I don't want to set unrealistic expectations and start thinking I've failed as I did before.  I'm telling myself now, that if I don't lose another pound, I'm still successful.  Now if I could just make myself believe it.  :)

On a happier note, I've been to Publix and loaded up on fresh fruit for the week.  J-boy has even agreed to do his own modified version of the 7 day diet with me starting on Monday.  He's not going to do that vile, nasty soup either.  He makes a fairly nutritious vegetable soup that he is going to use for his base.  I can't get past the tomatoes.  That, and having all the food stirred up together like that.  I have control issues.  I need to know what is going in my mouth!!

I had another successful visit to Stein Mart.  I got some really cute tops.  Suddenly last week none of my tops fit.  I still have a lot of t-shirts, but since I work in an office in a management position, I don't get to wear those to work often.  It seems like all along this journey, one article of clothing is suddenly lacking in my wardrobe.  First no skirts fit, so I made a run on Goodwill.  Then no shorts, so I went to Ladies of Charity, a local thrift store.  It is my favorite, but it is only open certain times of the year.  Today I needed blouses for work, and I saw SM was having a 12 hour sale.  I got 7 tops that are stylish and suitable for the office.  Four of them were on sale, and the lady in front of me had a spare coupon she shared with me, so I got an additional 30% off.  I like it when that happens.

The Right Decision

On the way to work this morning, I began to think about my weekend plans. Nothing unusual there, I generally use my car time for planning. I began to think about going to Publix for fruit. I love their fruit. I thought about the watermelon, YUM, one of my very favorites. Then I moved on to cherries and pineapple, oh my. My mouth might have even begun to water. Then I realized - "I'm fantasizing about fruit!!" How in the world did that happen? My food fantasies in the past included ice cream and cookies, not fruit. Fruit was what I ate when there wasn't any of the 'good stuff' left!




I was and am so excited that something has changed inside of me. I really, truly want the fruit. I don't think I'd turn down a warm chocolate chip cookie, made from scratch. I definitely would turn down one of those hard store bought ones. Something has changed. Go me! I feel good about my decision to do my modified version of the seven day diet.



I am trying to keep my expectations about weight loss in check. My purpose now is to shake things up a bit, and move back to a more normal, but low carb way of eating. The way I intend to eat from now on, only with a few more calories once I get to my goal weight.



In another vein entirely, I have on request of my faithful readers this weekend. Sunday is Father's Day, and I lost my own dear Daddy 6 years ago. I've learned to live day to day without his presence in my life, but on special days like this one, I still miss him a lot. Say a prayer, send good karma, or whatever you do for me on Sunday and for all of us who have lost our precious fathers. Do the same for those who are estranged from theirs. If you still have yours, give him an extra hug from me.

A Few Good Things

I think that my last few posts have been downers, under the guise of complete honesty. There are good things too, which outnumber the bad, better health is the biggie. Things like lower blood pressure, better cholesterol, proper blood sugar are a part of that. I thought I'd list a few more tangible things that I've been experiencing lately:

• Fun with clothes. I have been having a great time getting dressed in the morning. I have lots of nice new to me clothes. It is so much fun to go to the store - any store - and find cute things that actually fit. I've really enjoyed shopping at Goodwill! The stores here are clean and the clothes are well organized. In fact, I think I'm going to shop for some blouses this weekend.

• Jewelry. I have a ton of jewelry that I'd just stopped wearing. I know that some of it had gotten small. Chokers were just about literally choking me, but I think too that I didn't care to draw a lot of attention to myself while I was so big. It was not a conscious decision, but it happened. Now every morning, I sort through and find just the right baubles to accompany my really cute clothes.

• My sunglasses* don't bump my cheek. I have very chubby cheeks. That makes for a youthful appearance, but it is a hindrance in finding sunglasses that 'fit'. If the lenses are large they touch my cheeks. I don't like that.

• Fitting in stadium seats. Tuesday night J-boy scored a couple of free tickets to a concert. I was a little surprised when I sat down and no part of my body touched the sides of the seat. I even felt a little bit skinny!!

• Moving around with more ease.  This is huge for me because I am a klutz.  I didn't realize quite how much the extra weight was contributing to my klutziness, but it did.  I am by no means graceful now, but I'm a long way from the lumbering mess I once was.

• I almost enjoy getting up in the morning.  I think I'll always be a sleepy-head, but I'm enjoying stepping on the scales and seeing it slip down.  

*A couple of years ago the sunglasses that I'd had for years and years fell apart. I'd probably had them for at least 10 years, no exaggeration, perhaps even 15. Since I have the chubby cheek issue, when I get a pair that works, I stick with them! It was near my birthday so one of the very thoughtful gifts J-boy got me was a pair of $3 sunglasses from a local dollar store. He really intended for them to be a pair for me to wear while I got the ones I really wanted. But I liked these, and thought they looked good on me. When I cut the tags off I noticed that they were labeled 'almost Chanel' or something like that. I thought it was hilarous and enjoyed going around telling people about my Chanel knock-offs. Sadly, those sunglasses broke while we were in Miami beach close to a year later. I was heartbroken. Again, J-boy came through as it was once again near my birthday. He couldn't find the Chanel ones, but got a red pair since that is my favorite color. Those broke on our last day of the cruise, somewhere in the Bahamas, just a couple of weeks ago. I have a way to go until my birthday so I couldn't wait for another gift pair. J-boy and I happened to be in the same dollar store the original Chanel-NOT glasses were purchased just a few days after we got back from the cruise. I was delighted to find another pair exactly like the ones that broke in Miami. They were still just $3 for that almost designer look. And they don't touch my cheeks at all!!!

Time for a Change

I'm beginning to think about yet another eating plan.  I've been a little disappointed with my results on this latest round of hcg.  I'm getting a bit of a "been there, done that" sort of vibe from my body.  After 15 months of switching between that & low carb, my body needs something else, I think.  I struggled and struggled to get past the 182.6 hump, and I expected once I crossed that hurdle, I'd skate on down about 10 pounds.  That had been my pattern in the past, and since it did not continue this time, it is time for a change.

 

I really want to break this stagnation and move forward.  I had anticipated enjoying the bounty from our back yard garden this summer.  I've still got a while to go before much is ripe, so that can still be the centerpiece of my summer diet.  What to do in the meantime?  I have just about made up my mind to do what I call the 7 day diet.  Others call it the cabbage soup diet, and still others call it the Sacred Heart Hospital diet. 

 

First let me say that I thing the claims about losing upwards of 20 pounds during the course of the diet bogus.  Of course I intend to lose weight, but my thinking is that this whole thing will be a real shock to my system and hopefully break through this barrier.  The premise behind switching between two eating plans is that the body gets used to one way of eating over & over and stagnates.  It worked for over a year, so I think there is some validity to that.  Now I just need to find another way to shake things up.  The more I contemplate things the more I think this is the way to go. 

 

Even the causal reader of this blog knows that I hate almost all vegetables, and must be quite curious as to how I intend to eat cabbage soup for seven days.  In short, I don't.  Along with the disgusting, vile, nasty soup, each day has an additional menu.  For instance, on day one all fruit is allowed except for bananas.  I can eat lots of good fresh fruit all day and be satisfied.  Day two is all vegetables.  That will be a little more challenging, but I can find enough that I like to make it through that day.  Days three through seven have their own accompaniment.  I'll just eat that.

 

My plan now is to start that on Monday since I have to finish the course of hcg.  I'll do this for seven days and then hopefully, the bountiful harvest in my backyard will be ready.

Happy Realization

I was just doing my Wii workout/weigh in and suddenly noticed that I'm only 6 lbs way from overweight!!  Soon, I will no longer be obese.  I think I'm going to buy myself some new shoes to celebrate reaching overweight-hood!!!

Weekend Issues

Weekends are hard for me.  I have lots of errands to run and chores to do that I can't/don't do during the week because of this pesky job I have that requires me to go every, single day!!  It is easy to keep a glass of water at my desk during the week and chug it down all day long.  I easily get down a full gallon of water during the day.  Of course, I hope my employer doesn't dock my pay for excessive time in the ladies' room!  Anyway, being more scattered during the week, messes up my planning for meals too.  Since I don't have a set, I think about food more.  I suppose I have to.  But thinking about it isn't good for me because I think about chicken strips, ice cream, cookies, whatever the last fast food commercial I've seen.  That's not good.  I'm trying to create mental images of happy, carefree people eating broccoli rather than ice cream...

Anyway, this weekend was particularly hard.  I made 75 cupcakes - not a typo - 75!!!!!  I made 6 batches of cream cheese frosting with which to frost & decorate them.  I am about half way through that part of the job.  I had to stop because I was beginning to lick my fingers and that is bad.  I haven't now learned how to moderate with sweets.  Then I had one cupcake failure.  It fell on its side and got a little mushed.  In the old days, I would have had to eat it.  I should have immediately tossed it in the trash, but my frugal nature wouldn't let me.  Instead, I wrapped it up and put it in the refrigerator for J-boy.  I won't eat it.

I'm too close to my goal.  They aren't worth it to me right now.  When I get to my goal weight, I have a few other food related goals like learning to eat 'treats' in moderation.  Today, I had to just walk away.  Maybe it is time to break out the Wii fit.  Did I just say that!?!?!

Last Night

So, last night J-boy was going to be out until late.  I secretly enjoy those little times of just me, but yesterday I was a little apprehensive.  I had this great desire to eat a lot of food.  I knew that no one would be there, and no one would know just how much food I piled in while he was gone.  I also knew that I really did not want to do that.

All day, I tried to think of rewards for myself for not pigging out.  Things like, if I stayed on plan I could skip the elliptical.  Fabulous idea!!  Just like having a big ice cream sundae to celebrate losing 10 pounds. 

To complicate things further I had to make 4 dozen cupcakes.  It is very difficult for me to not taste as I cook.  I am a good cook and an even better baker.  I'm working on a blog about this and my identity.  So, I won't get in to it here.

When I got home.  I was determined.  I had my mind made up that I was not going to cheat no way, no how.  And I didn't.  I decided to distract myself, once the cupcakes were done by watching a DVD.  A friend had given me Julie & Julia.  Even though J said he'd watch it, I think he was just being nice.  If he watched it with me, I'd have to end up watching Blazing Saddles or some thing worse to make up.

Picture this, the house smells yummy from the cupcakes.  No one knows they are there but me, and I could plow through quite of few of them without taking a deep breath, and I decide to watch a movie about cooking to distract myself!!!!  Some times I amaze even myself with the choices I make.

I hung in there and didn't eat, but I have the overwhelming desire to make beef bourguignon now!!  I really am going to have to figure a way to work that in to my plan.  It seems low carb, but very high fat.

One question I had about the movie however, was why didn't Julie get fat making all of those rich meals and desserts?  The character mentioned about twice in the movie that she was gaining weight, but the actress was never padded to look like she'd chunked up at all.  It was probably Hollywood fantasy, but I also wonder if it was because the food was made from real fresh ingredients.  That is my theory because I have a thing about fresh, home prepared food, not home reheated food.

The scale said 182.4 this morning, so I really am in uncharted territory now!!

A Better Day

Today has been a better day overall.  Work was nuts, but it often is at the first of the month.  The scales were down a whole pound this morning, making up for yesterday's anomaly.  The scales read 182.8 as if to taunt me, but I would not let it.  I decided that I had reached that goal and from here on down, it was new weight loss. 

 

My next goal is 165.  That is the goal the doctor set for me in the fall.  He didn't give me  deadline.  I need to keep that in mind for myself.  This is a long journey and it will take as long as it takes.  Technically speaking, it will never be over.  I'll always have to have an awareness of what I eat and what I weigh or it will get out of control again.  BUT, I still want to give myself deadlines.  This time I am not.  Although that is very, very hard for me.  I have an appointment scheduled for June 29, and I am really wanting to be a lot closer to 165 than I am now.  I am really struggling even as I type this to say I can lose at least x lbs by then, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.  I am going to lose as much weight as possible between now & then - whatever that is.

And Another Thing

Just to cap my day off...I had a very large amount of green beans fresh picked from our backyard garden.  I broke them last night and put them on to cook tonight.  I had to go to my mother's, and J-boy agreed to watch them while I was gone. I told him that I'd just put them on and the flame was high.  Once they began to boil he was supposed to turn them down and let them simmer until he was ready to eat them, or I got home whichever came first.

Well...the moment I pulled in the driveway and could smell them.  J-boy had fallen asleep in the recliner and the beans had boiled over.  Perhaps I could develop a lovely stomach virus.  That would make my day complete!  I'd at least break through that elusive 182.6!

Bummer of a Day

So far today has turned out nothing like I like.  Thunder woke me up way too early and it would have been a perfect day to turn off the alarm, roll back over and go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, I have this pesky job that requires me to show up every single day, even when it is a perfect day to roll over and go back to sleep.  I dozed for a while, but even then I had to get up before my usual time because we're down a car and having to be creative with our schedules to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there.  I checked to see if I had a headache, stomach ache, sore throat, any thing to keep me from having to get out of the bed, but this darn healthy eating is eliminating most of those aches & pains. 

 

So, I got up and weighed.  More bad news.  The scales were up 0.4 lbs.  Not much much, but that is not supposed to happen at all on this program.  A gain indicates eating off plan, but I have been 100% compliant with the plan.  I tried not to get too upset about it, but still it was irritating.

 

Before I left home, one of my employees called to say she was too sick to come to work.  I was a little jealous.  Then I got to work and encountered one problem after another.  I took it on the chin all day.  Computer problems, client issues, whatever could go wrong did.

 

Finally, I got a minute to contact the hcg place to find out what do to about the gain before it got out of control.  I don't want to waste the stuff.  It is expensive.  I learned when I ordered this latest round that my favorite contact had moved on.  She deserved to, she was good.  I was given a web address to use for any questions I had.  So I had to send my question to an unknown entity.  I haven't yet heard back.

Now, I'm home and it is pouring rain again.  Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Weigh In

This morning the scale said 186.4.  That is a whooping 0.6 lb loss from last Saturday.  But I had to lose all the indulgence weight from Sunday & Monday.  Next week will be better.

Perfectionism

I have always struggled with understanding why I am fat.  I wasn't born that way.  In fact I weighed just over 2 pounds at birth.  I had no childhood trauma to cause me to retreat in to a wall of weight.  I had a very typical childhood, I suppose.  After getting over the preemie thing, I always tended toward the upper end of the  weight charts.  I was called 'fat' by the meanies at school.  I really wasn't fat, just not as bony as the other children.  Maybe I internalized that more than I realize, but I don't think so. 

 

I think genetics played a significant role in the extra weight, plus I never have been a vegetable eater.  Looking at family reunion pictures, I think most would agree that genetics could have dealt me a hand that included the fat card.  It is on both sides of the house.  The really, really thin people are the in-laws or the ones that got lucky genetically from the other side of their family tree.  Perhaps the genes I have and the poor diet got me to 254.4 on the scales and maybe I can even blame that for the struggle to take it off, but I don't think that is the whole story.

 

As I've considered this issue, and read what others have endured, I've continually come back to the fact that I have no one or no thing to blame but me.  I even thought I had no issues to work through.  Frankly, I've got a pretty good life - good job, great husband & family, wonderful friends - no real complaints.  So what is it?

 

I contemplate my blog posts for a while before I post them.  I've been mulling this one over probably since the inception of the blog if not even beforehand.  I've thought and thought about how to present my childhood and words like idyllic came to mind.  I didn't (and don't) want to over blow things, but comparatively speaking, my childhood was indeed idyllic.  As stated earlier, I got teased by the meanies on the playground for sure - who didn't?  But I had a loving family around me all the time.  My parents loved each other and my sisters and me.  I had and still have a warm relationship with my cousins, aunts & uncles on both sides of my family.  As I struggled to find a way to depict my life, without sounding too perfect, I realized that was my problem all along - perfectionism!!

 

I don't do anything before I take a good assessment of the situation and see what my odds are of 'winning'.  If I'm not going to, I don't do it.  I mean anything from playing sports to going to school to changing jobs.  Same with this weight loss thing.  I mentioned in my second blog entry about past failures and 'all or nothing' thinking.  I could not see my success because I had not attained the ultimate goal.  I addressed that some without even actually identifying it, when I left the final weight goal undefined.  It was a little head game I was playing so that I would not fail yet again.

 

In the back of my mind, however, I had a goal to lose 100 pounds.  At my lowest weight on this journey, I'd only lost 71.8 pounds.  (I'm at 65.4 right now with the indulgence days damage.)  Even then I kept thinking that was only 70% of my goal.  That is only a C if your teacher is a generous grader.  That is average.  Why in the world would any one want to be average!!!  Not me.  I want only to be exceptional.  What I have to do now is learn that every pound lost is a victory.  That is success,  Good heavens, losing 70 (or 65) pounds is exceptional.  Most people don't do that.  I am successful now, no matter what else happens.

 

On the other side of this coin is arrogance.  I don't want to become vain or conceited.  I certainly don't want to alienate my friends, particularly those that are a few steps behind me on this journey.  I need to learn how to balance the two.  I need to learn how to recognize and even celebrate my accomplishment without becoming prideful, but with encouragement.
 

I Feel Awful

I feel rotten.  My body feels like one great big bruise, my stomach isn't right somehow.  I have this vague nausea that makes me wish I would just puke and get it over with.  But, I'm not sick.  I have no fever, no sore throat, nothing to make me think I need to see a doctor.  I think I'm suffering from a food hangover.  I just feel gross.

 

Sunday and Monday were indulgence days for me.  It takes 48 hours for the hcg to work in to your system so the food plan for those two days literally uses the word gorge.  As in the past, I went to the store to load up on treats.  This time I felt like I was more controlled in my purchases.  I was really taking some pride in the changes over the past year and was quite pleased with myself for the positive changes I'd made.  That is until I got to the ice cream...the grocery store had all of the personal sized ice cream in all brands & flavors on sale for $0.88!!!  I started sweeping that stuff in to my cart like there was a time limit on the sale.  As I was checking to make sure that I had at least one of every flavor, my hands were shaking!!!  It wasn't from the cold of the freezer section either. 

There were two food items I was particularly looking forward to.  One, of course, was ice cream and the other was a hamburger on the grill.  Both of those things were as good as I anticipated.  But, I should have stopped with one serving of ice cream.  I only ate one burger, but I made onion rings to go along with it.  And those two treats weren't the only ones I had.  I ate cheesecake, potato chips, cookies, fried chicken, biscuits, sausage & bacon too. 

 

I ate those things not so much because I wanted them, but because they were/are not allowed on my current eating plan and therefore 'bad' foods.  I somehow thought that if I did not eat them then, I would regret it later.  Now, I'm having regret of a different sort, not to mention the weight gain, but that isn't really part of the issue.

 

I've been looking for a way to incorporate indulgences in to my routine because I've known for some time that the cheat days just weren't working.  I'm beginning to formulate an idea.  I know that for now, I'm going to have to eat a very restricted diet.  That is the only thing that really works for me with regard to the weight loss.  I think the switching back & forth between the strict, strict dieting and the low carb is also the way to go - for now.  So that is what I'm going with.

 

I know this won't work forever because I can't live like this forever.  I can and plan to eat a more low carb diet going forward, but I have to rethink 'bad' foods and not forbid certain foods once I get to my goal.  I can't go back to the old way of eating because eventually, I'll gain everything back.  But, I've learned that for me, totally removing something and calling it 'bad' just makes me want it that much more.  So, while still vague and unformed, I'm thinking the long term plan is to allow everything, but not everything all the time. 

 

The main lifestyle/diet/eating plan would be low carb - the day in, day out, routine of eating.  On holidays, birthdays, special occasions, I'll allow myself the foods associated with that.  That way, there is no pressure to eat while it is 'legal' like I did this weekend.  I know it is a head game,but that is the battle field for me.  I actually kept on eating onion rings even though they were beginning to gross me out because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat them until my next cheat day. If everything is acceptable to eat, I think I can choose not to eat it more often than choosing to eat it.  I also think I'll stop at satiety rather than stuffing it in like there's no tomorrow, if I know I can eat it any time.  

 

I'm also going to try and remember just how bad I feel right now, and know that I have the power to change it.