I Read My Own Blog

Yesterday I was trying to remember when something happened.  I remembered blogging about it at the time.  I had a general idea as to when it happened and the title of the post, so I thought it would be simple to find.  I wound up spending more time than I care to confess reading my own blog.  I found what I was looking for.  But I also found two things I wasn't seeking.

One I found a lot of treasures in the comments sections.  I was reminded of the great support I get from my readers.  Some of the very things I do now, are directly related to suggestions from my readers.

Two, I realized how I tend to forget the bad stuff.  Generally speaking I think this is a good attribute.  I can move on from a difficult situation without holding on to anger or sadness.  But, since I tend to put those memories aside, I start wondering why I'm having such a hard time now. I begin to wish it could be as easy as it was over the summer, or some other time.  Now, when I start to become nostalgic for those 'easy days' I can look back and get an accurate picture of what was really happening.

If it was indeed, and easy time, I can see what else was going on.  I can see what elements created the ease and do my best to recreate them.  If it was not an easy time, I'll quickly recall the situation and stop beating myself over how life is right now.

I think I will continue to read my own blog from time to time.  I never know what sort of gem is awaiting me.

Doing Great!

I've been happily relishing family time, as a result I haven't posted as much as I like.  I want everyone to know that I am hale and hearty.  I have had a change of mindset that seems to have suddenly happened, although the truth is, it has taken a while.  That is I feel thin.  I feel like I'm at my goal weight.  It is almost as if these last few pounds are already gone.

I know, and have known all along, that my body perception is not an accurate reflection of reality.  Even though, my brain knows I still have quite a way to go to get to my goal weight, my heart is already there.  If I can keep it that way, I'll be fine.  I don't want to believe the not yet accurate perception of myself to the point that I stop trying to get to my goal weight.  At the same time, I said from day one that I was not going to get caught up in the numbers to the point that if I didn't reach a magic number on the scale that I'd consider myself a failure.  I think I've gotten there!

It is a delicate balance to be sure.  I'm going to have to remain diligent, especially during this time of overindulgence that the holidays bring.  I feel good.  I feel like I can do it. 

I think the tipping point came during the shopping experience I described in my last post.  Seeing myself in the mirror in only my bra from the waist up was not/is not the way I generally see myself.  I am either wearing a bathrobe or clothes when I see myself in the mirror the vast majority of the time.  The only other time I see myself in the mirror, I am completely naked before a bath or shower.  Believe me, I avoid that!  When that happens,  seeing myself totally nude, I only see the belly flab skin that hangs down now.  At the store, that was covered. 

At the store, I saw the best parts of myself.  Now, that image is burned in my brain.  Now, I am consciously, purposefully remembering that image.  This isn't an ego thing, or a conceit thing.  It is a very pleasant, happy reality.  I need that.  I need to replace those negative body images with positive, and thankfully real, ones. 

I think this is key.  I think this is the missing link for which I have searched for nearly three years now.  I believe things like this happen when they are supposed to.  I don't lament the time as lost.  There were other important lessons I was learning.  At this time, this is my lesson.  I am learning.  I am happy to learn!

A Shopping Experience

 I am not a black Friday shopper.  As much as I love a bargain, I hate crowds more.  Besides, I'm one of those really strange people that buy gifts throughout the year.  I love finding a unique gift while traveling.  But in honor of black Friday and all of the avid shoppers out there, I want to relay a recent shopping experience.


I've been wanting a festive Christmas sweater.  I had quite a few when I was heavy, but they're all long gone now since I'm so much smaller now.  I stopped by my favorite retailer earlier this week.  I'd seen a circular so I had an idea of what I would find, but I have to see the item in person and sometimes on before I know if I really like it.

I found a beautiful red sweater with red 'fur' trim around the neck and silver, jeweled snowflakes on it.  It was quite pretty but I decided I really didn't want to spend that much money on a sweater I could only wear a few weeks per year.  I found another red sweater that looked quite festive, but wasn't not particularly Christmas-y looking.  I could wear it now, but really during any of the sweater season.

I decided to take a size large in to the dressing room to try on.  There was a small, medium and extra large but no large.  The medium looked plenty big, so I took it.  As I disrobed in front of the mirror, I actually had the thought that I looked skinny.  Then I remembered the Seinfeld episode where Elaine accused a store of having skinny mirrors.  LOL!!

Anyway, I was quite surprised when the medium was too big.  Now, there was a time in my life when I would have rushed from the dressing room and snatched up the small sweater regardless of the price or how it looked on me.  I would have worn it with the tag sticking out so everyone could see that I was wearing a small, as if that made it a reality.

This time, I was irked.  I know that even if I am thinner than I was, I am not small.  Not yet anyway.  I'm still getting a little miffed as I type this.  Clothing manufacturer's are enabling the obesity epidemic in our country by mislabeling clothes.  I've ranted and raved about it on this blog before, so I won't get in to a whole thing about it.  I'll just say, while I'll still patronize that retailer, I won't purchase anything from that manufacturer.  It just isn't right.

Loose Threads

Last week at this time, I was lamenting the triple threat that was my weekend.  This weekend was much better, so it is a good time to catch up on those situations.

First the weekend weight gain issue - Even though I didn't get all of my water down either day, and I ate out twice, I only gained 1.4 lbs.  One eating out occasion was planned and one was not.  I feel fine with the little bounce and know that it will be gone soon enough.  I believe I am making progress on the weekend issues and soon enough, they will no longer be an issue.

Second, the problems at home won't change.  I have no control over that.  I have  control over how I respond.  I'm working on better ways to do that.

Third, the changes at work I wasn't at liberty to discuss aren't going to happen.  So all is well with that.

I have a Thanksgiving luncheon tomorrow at work.  My plan is to revert to my default behavior and serve.  I'll go through the line last.  I'll load up on protein and minimize the carbs.  I'll report back with the results on Wednesday.

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scales read 173.6.  Down 1.4 pounds from last week.  I'm pleased with that number.  If I can do as well next week.  I'll really be pleased. 

I was prepared by the hcg rep that I would not lose weight as quickly on the cleanse, so my expectations are not that high, plus I have two Thanksgiving dinners next week.  I'm telling myself it is only food, and I can make it or get it any time I want, so I don't have to eat it all at one time.  I'll enjoy the company and the spirit of the occasion along with the right amount of food for me, and maybe a little treat.

We're having a great day here, moderate temps and lots of sun.  I'm going to go enjoy it before the rain comes in.  Have a great day, everyone!

Victory Thursday

The biggest victory for the week for me is rising above the chaos which is my life right now, and eating the way I need to.  It is incredible.  I don't really know how it has happened,  but it has. I am deeply grateful.  If I were spending time beating myself up for poor eating choices, I'd probably be curled in the fetal position in a corner sucking my thumb.

Somehow or another, I have a peacefulness about everything.  I know deep down inside that everything will turn out just like it is supposed to - at home, at work and with my weight.  I don't know how and I don't know when, but I don't need to know those things.  I just need to rest in this place of peace; this oasis in the desert.  That is my only job.  I think I can do that.

Thank You!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support yesterday.  All of those comments cheering me on actually brought a tear to my eye.  It means more than I can begin to describe to have that support from people I've never met.

I had another good eating day yesterday, and I expect no different from today.  I'm taking each day as it comes and making the best of it, with a little help from my friends - YOU!

Super Day!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was an incredible day food wise.  I stayed 100% on plan with no problems.  No mental battles, no problems of any type. I was surprised when I looked at the clock yesterday afternoon and saw it was 4:00.  I didn't have the afternoon call to food.  I chugged my water and rewarded myself with a diet cherry limeade.  The scales rewarded me this morning with a loss, too.  If all the days were like yesterday, I'd be at goal in no time at all.  It was great.

Today, I am doing well too.  I'll layer day upon day until I get there.

Unfortunately, life at home is no better, in fact it is worse.  I am not letting it get me down.  I learned Sunday night that pancakes don't help.  LOL!!  Actually, I coped much better last night.  Maybe the good eating helped keep my head clear.

There could be big changes coming at work too.  I'm not at liberty to discuss those right now.  I have a calmness about that situation too.  I know that things will work out like they are meant to.  All I have to do is let it happen.

I'm in a good place now.  I'm going to work to keep myself in this place.  I like it here.

The Triple Threat

I had a hard weekend.  Weekends are hard for me since I am purposefully unscheduled, particularly on Saturdays.  I like to sleep late.  Between that and various errands and chores, my eating schedule often gets messed up.  This Saturday was no exception.  At least I got all my water down.

Transitions are also difficult for me.  I don't know why when I am moving from the hcg to another plan, I start thinking that I should eat this or that before I get in the swing of the new plan.  Since I'm moving to the cleanse at the recommendation of the hcg rep I spoke to on Friday, I spent the weekend at war with myself over what and how much to eat.

Finally, I had some stress with my living situation.  The details are not important.  It involves 65MD's son and I promised myself that I would not turn this blog in to a rant-fest with regard to that whole situation.

So, last night I fixed and ate pancakes.  I knew when I made them that it was not the best choice.  I had the internal conversation about how this was not going to make anything better.  I acknowledged that I would be sorry in the morning. But dad-gum-it, I was having those pancakes.  I made a batch and sat down with a full plate fully prepared to eat every bite.  After about 5 bites, I wasn't enjoying them quite as much, but I was determined.  (Why oh why can't I have that type of determination on the stair stepper!!!)  I ate almost half and finally came to my senses.  I offered the rest to 65MD, who didn't want them, so I tossed them.

This morning, my weight was up.  I know why, and I know what to do about it.  So, I'm doing it today.  I think by next weekend, I'll be in the groove of the cleanse, and it won't be so hard.  I sure hope so!

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scale read 175.0.  Not what I wanted, but what I expected.  Between the ham & cheese dip and graham crackers, I really could not expect great numbers today.


Yesterday marked the end of the three weeks of hcg.  I spoke to a rep from the office where I get my hcg.  She suggested a cleanse for 30 days and then restarting the hcg.  She said that people lost weight on the cleanse, but it was more to help with the immunity one's body develops to the hormone.  What she said rang true with me.  I already knew intuitively before this round began that my body was over the hcg in a way.


The cleanse is 1200 to 1500 calories per day with whole foods like fruits, vegetables, and protein.  There is nothing processed or pre-prepared.  There is no sugar, or carbs except those that occur naturally in the food.  Really, it is the way I'd like to eat once I get to my goal.  This will be good practice for that.


I'll probably stretch the cleanse until the end of the year.  Then I'll make a fresh start with the hcg in January when the rest of the country is dieting and slip right on down to my goal weight.  Maybe I can be there by Valentine's Day!  For now, I cleanse.

Graham Crackers

Yesterday at work someone had put some pumpkin dip in the kitchen.  That isn't unusual.  People are always bringing treats to share.  The pumpkin dip did not bother me in the least.  I am not a fan.  The only way I'll eat pumpkin is if it is baked in to bread, I am very hungry and there a no other options.  So it was quite fine with me for there to be pumpkin dip in the kitchen at work.


My problem was the graham crackers that went along with the dip.  It was an odd thing too.  I've never had a gorge fest on graham crackers.  I don't have fantasies about eating graham crackers.  I like them, but I hardly ever even buy them.  Most of the time I buy them to make a crust or as an ingredient in something.  I use what I need and the rest just sit in the cabinet until I need some more or they're so stale I have to throw them away.


It was quite chilly in our office yesterday morning, so I went in to the kitchen to make some hot tea.  There were several other people in there getting warm beverages as well.  As I was waiting for the water to get hot we chatted and someone took a bite of the dip.  We continued to chat and others had the dip as well.  Without much thought, I took a graham cracker to have with my tea.  It was good.  Way too good.


The rest of the day the graham crackers sang their siren song to me and I would be pulled back in to the kitchen for 'just one more.' I promised myself over and over again that this would be the last one, but it wasn't.  They weren't my crackers so I couldn't hide them or toss them out.  I had to try to tough it out but I didn't.  Mercifully, mid afternoon the crackers were gone.  For the record, I didn't eat them all.  The battle was over and the crackers had won.


I'm frustrated with myself for not being stronger.  This morning, of course, my weight was back up.  So far today, I've had no cravings for graham crackers.  Once again, I'm back in the saddle making the best of the situation.  Tomorrow, I'll have to report my weight, so that is extra incentive to make today the very best I can.

Victory Thursday

My biggest victory of the week was the fact that even after my indulgence on Tuesday, I got right back in the groove.  It wasn't easy, but it was a huge change of mindset for me.  I was a champion of starting over again on Monday.  But not now.  This time I started over again Tuesday afternoon.  Wednesday was a bit of a challenge because I kept thinking about the dip.  Since there was no more, it wasn't an epic battle just a minor annoyance.

Related to that, I lost 1.2 pounds this morning.  That leaves 0.8 to get back to the pre-dip weight.  I'm not worried about it.  It will come off.  I'm more concerned about the remaining 30! :-)

The last victory I'll point out is, I've noticed that I can see my feet when I walk.  I don't know how long it has been that way, but i just noticed it in the last few weeks.  This week I've become quite fascinated with that fact and have been walking with my head down watching my feet.  I've nearly bumped in to people a couple of times because I'm not watching where I'm going!!!

For those of you joining me, Timothy and my friends IRL on the 1000 mile challenge for 2012, we decided that all the miles accumulated between December 25 and 31 count for 2012.  We think that will be motivation because it can be very hard to exercise that week.

Odds & Ends

Just a quick catch up post answering questions left in comments and the consequences of my choices yesterday.

First the consequences -
I gained 1.6 pounds wiping out my loss for the week.  I think that a lot of it is water retention caused by the sodium in the ham.  My hands feel a little puffy, too.  I expect that most of it will be gone in the morning if that is the true case.  Also, my stomach has been just a little upset this morning; perhaps from the fat in the cheese?  IDK.  I'll report again tomorrow so we'll all know if this is water or not.

Now the response to comments & questions -
On November 5 Joy asked what protein drinks I was planning to use.  I am planning to use Xocia. They are dark chocolate meal replacement drinks.  I did this last year and it seemed to help navigate the party season. 

On that same post Holly asked what hcg was.  Hcg is a hormone that pregnant women create.  Some years ago a doctor in Italy (I think) discovered that the hormone combined with a very strict low calorie diet led to weight loss.  The hormone, when used properly suppresses the physical hunger in order to facilitate the very low calorie diet.  The hormone requires a prescription.  It is injected daily for six weeks.  The recommendation is that the hormone only be used for that time period so as not to develop an immunity.  The prescription is quite expensive.  There oral hcg drops that are purported to be identical to the actual hormone and are much cheaper.

Finally, Timothy suggested yesterday that my blog friends be included in the challenge.  By all means, join in if you want to participate.  We can report our mileage each week on Monday and call it "Monday Mileage" since I'm such a fan of alliteration.  Who's in?

Thanks for reading and supporting me.  2012 is the year I get to goal.  I feel it!

The Best of Intentions

Today we had a baby shower for a sweet, sweet coworker.  I was happy to be asked to participate.  I made a coconut cake.  The Mom to be asked for a one.  I used the old recipe that grandmothers have used for ages where the cake marinates in the creamy coconut 'frosting' for three days.  The cake could not have turned out better.  I was pleased.

 

I came to work this morning without a worry as to if I'd eat any cake or not.  I wasn't.  I was going to serve cake.  Besides I could make myself another cake any old time I wanted to.  This was a gift to my coworker and her friends.  And, I did not eat any cake.  Good for me.

 

Not so good for me however was the hot ham & cheese dip.  My body has not yet adjusted to central standard time.  My stomach thinks it is lunch time sometime about 10:00 to 10:30 these days.  The shower was at 11:00 but I got hungry closer to 10:00 than 10:30 today.  I slipped off and began to eat an apple before the festivities.  I only got about half of it down before I was needed for some last minute prep work.  It didn't do much to diminish my appetite.

 

I gladly sliced pieces of cake for everyone at the party.  I smiled and watched as person after person helped themselves to the various offerings there.  And my stomach was growling!  It was beginning to be embarrassing.  I finally justified a bite of the hot ham and cheese dip, by saying it was all protein.  That would have been fine if I were doing Dr. Atkins, but I'm not!

 

The little nibble only seemed to increase my appetite and I had more, and I went back to the well a third time.  That was all it took to calm my hunger and I managed to stop after three servings.  To be clear, the first serving was on a cracker.  The second and third servings were spoonfuls on a plate eaten with a fork!  I didn't want all those cracker carbs messing up my ham & cheese!!!

 

After indulging in the dip, I did not eat the rest of the apple or even my lunch.  I drank all of my water and I have my meal prepped at home for supper.  I feel like I'm firmly back in control of myself.  I know I won't be happy in the morning.  Hcg is very unforgiving.  I could be up as much as two pounds.  If that is the case, I'll just lose those two pounds right back and move on.

 

This afternoon, as all of us lamented our indulgences, we came up with a challenge for 2012.  During the year we are going to walk, run or ride 1000 miles.  It is a lofty goal.  We're all committed to doing everything we can to make it happen.  The one that started the challenge is going to make a chart to be put up in my office.  We'll log our miles on it to keep one another motivated. 

 

I think this is just what I need.  I need something new and fresh, and I need a plan to stay at my goal weight once I get there.  I intend to get there in 2012!

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scale read 174.8.  That is down 2.8 pounds from last week.  I had another odd up-tick this morning.  I really don't know what to make of it, other than perhaps my body is finished with hcg.  Losing nearly three pounds in a week is nothing to sneeze at.  I'm not complaining.  I'm thinking, and I haven't quite figured it out.  I'll finish next week on hcg as planned. 

After next week, my plan is to do protein drinks until the end of the year.  They are meal replacements similar to SlimFast.  Only these don't have sugar and are high in protein.  This served me well last year during this time of the year.  I can select which meal to eat and which two to drink depending on my circumstances of each day.  If, on the drinks, I slip down a pound or two a week that will be fabulous.

My goal now is to end the year at 163 or less.  That is just a mere 11 pounds.  I can make that happen.  In January, I'll decide what to do to get the last few pounds off to get to my goal.  I can see victory ahead!

The Black Dress Pants

I have one pair of dress slacks.  Don't feel sorry for me.  It is a conscious decision on my part.  There are two reasons I only have one pair of dress pants.  One, I don't plan to be this size very long, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes I won't wear very long.  Two, and probably the greater reason, I don't like the way I look in pants of any type, from dress slacks to blue jeans and everything in between.  My body just isn't made for that style of clothing.  I own a pair for the few days that is it extremely cold or I need to be doing more manual labor type jobs at work than typical.

I wore said slacks to work a few weeks ago because I needed to do some of the manual labor type things.  They were tight as were most of my clothes prior to this round of hcg.  In moving around during the day I popped the hook off of the waistband.  Sadly, they were so tight that it really didn't matter.  There was no danger of them falling down.  My top was long enough that it came down over it.  When I got home I tossed the pants on to the sewing machine to remind me to mend them.  At that time, I thought that it would be a long time before I did because they were so tight it wouldn't matter.

This morning, I woke up cold.  This morning I wanted to cover my legs with something more than hose or even tights.  My only option was the black pants.  I decided to give them a try and just safety pin the waist.  That way I could let it out a wee bit for comfort's sake.  I slipped the pants on easily and realized that I could fasten the waist where the hook had been.  I quickly got a needle & thread and whipped the hook back in place.

As I sit here typing my pants are fastened and the circulation to my body is just fine.  It is not being impeded at all by a too tight waist.  They could be a little looser to be honest.  To be totally honest, I'll be most happy when they are too big altogether.  Until then, I'll take the fact that I'm no longer in danger of busting the seams!

Victory Thursday

Here are a few improvements I have noticed in the last couple of weeks:

• My clothes fit better - They are no longer snug and I'm not having to think about which skirt is the biggest in the mornings now.  That has been replaced by which one is the warmest.
• My waist feels smaller - That really goes along with the first one, but since I tend to carry my weight in my belly it is worth mentioning.
• Compliments from strangers (and a couple of cat calls!)
• I feel in charge of myself again.  I am in a good place mentally.

It is good to take a little time acknoweledge the positive changes that happen that don't show up on the scales.  The scales are not always a good measure of progress.  This is a lesson I need to learn over and over again.

Just the Facts

I lost weight this morning.  I am remaining on hcg for the rest of this week, and next week.

I will refrain from celebrating or analyzing.  I do not want to be disproven publicly again.

I Spoke Too Soon

So the other day when I mentioned that my body was responding well to the hcg, I was wrong. Monday morning when I weighed I had not lost any weight from the day before. On hcg this only happensthis early in the cycle when there is an error in the program. Towards the end of the six weeks it can happen, but not on the second week. I was a little surprised, but chalked it up to not drinking enough water on Sunday. Between church, fall fest, and trunk or treat, the water just wasn't happening. I did not sample any of the wares - no popcorn, no candy! I ate my last meal of the day a little later than usual as well. I thought perhaps the combination of those two things created a stall. Honestly, I didn't feel like either thing was cheating. I didn't feel bad about it at all.

Monday proceeded as usual. I was right back on track 100% including the water, with no problem. I was quite surprised then, this morning, when I registered a small gain. That just does not happen on hcg even at the end, if the dieter remains on the program. I have, with no variations. I'm disappointed. I had visions of having three such good weeks that I'd add a fourth just to drop a few more pounds before the holiday season.
I'm also a little fearful. I hope that this does not mean that my body is no longer going to respond to the hcg. It has been my best aid all along this journey and I'm not quite ready to give it up. Nor am I giving up. I'm doing an apple day today. It is part of the protocol for those little anomalies that occur towards the end of a round as I mentioned earlier. If my body is going to respond then I'll drop 2 or 3 pounds today and be back on track.

I've decided if I lose anything at all, I'll be glad and do my best to finish the three weeks. If I don't lose any weight, I'll just have to find another program. I'm still not quitting. I have two options in mind. I'll explore those later if need be.