Conversations with My Niece

 I have one niece and she lives out of state.  She visits here twice a year and someone from here visits her and her family about twice per year.  In the meantime, we email and talk on the phone.  Most of those conversations are centered around what we will do when we see each other next.  We had one such conversation yesterday.


She called as I was updating my blog.  She asked what I was doing and I told her.  She was quite interested in my blog.  But, before I relay the specifics of the conversation,  I must relay a conversation we had about 7 years ago.


N (my niece) had just turned three.  She and her mother and brother had come to visit for a week that summer.  I went to the airport to pick them up.  I was wearing a lovely outfit made by my mother.  I remember it well because my mother had made my niece an outfit using the same fabric.  It was red and had silver sparkles in it.  We loved our 'matching' outfits.  I also remember it because it was probably the largest outfit I had.  I knew when it began to get tight, I was in trouble because I had no other clothes to go up to.  It was on the way to my mom's from the airport when she said:
"KK, why are you so fat"
I responded, "I'm not fat, I'm just..."  I was searching for the right word like fluffy or cushy, even though I new I was fat.  But before I found the right word, she said:
"Yes, you are!  Look right there"  pointing at my stomach.
I don't remember exactly what I said next, but it was something along the lines of, "I'm just fat."

Fast forward 7 years to yesterday.  She asked what my blog was about and I told her it was about losing weight.  That conversation went something like this:
N "Why are you doing a blog about weight loss?"
Me:  "Haven't you noticed that I'm not as fat as I used to be?"
N:  with great drama in her voice "KK, you were never fat!  Don't say things like that!"


Go figure!  I think both perspectives are true.  The first definitely was.  The second, I think as she matured, she loved me for me and stopped noticing the big belly I was carrying around.  Now it is gone, never to return. Unless she sees pictures from those days, she'll completely forget my body and only remember the good times.

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scales said 172.4.   That is exactly the same as last week.  Considering the week I had, I'm glad for it.  That in itself, I believe is a huge step in the right direction.  I think in times past, I would have fretted as to why and beat myself up over wasted opportunities, etc.  Not this morning, and that was good.


We had a great time together today as an extended family.  It was great to catch up with cousins, aunts and uncles that are friends as well as family.  I met a new family member today too.  We have a baby girl that is just two weeks old.  She's tiny, but beautiful.


I'm not here to gush about my family though.  I'm here to report on my eating.  I must say, I'm quite pleased with myself.  Someone brought grilled chicken breast that were great.  Funny thing is, the person in line in front of me only wanted half, and I automatically took the remaining half!!  I got some baked beans, and they didn't taste good to me, so after two bites (to be sure I really did not care for them) I didn't eat any more.  In times past, I would have eaten them any way.  I also ate corn & cornbread.  I have an aunt that makes the best corn in the world and cornbread too.  I couldn't pass that up.  The other 'bad' thing was an orange fluff 'salad.'  I love how we call those sweet, fruit, creamy items salad instead of dessert.  I ate mine for dessert.  I had small servings of everything.  Folks were laughing about how the plates were too small and they just didn't have room for everything.  I did.  I was very selective and took small servings.

No one said anything negative to me about my food choices or how much.  In fact, I got a lot of positive comments on my new thinner look.  I considered seconds on the cornbread and orange fluff, but I got caught up in visiting with one of my cousins in particular, and forgot.  I don't know if I really forgot, but by the time I considered it again, a lot of the food was already covered up and no one was eating.


All in all, I consider it a successful day.

On My Soapbox Again

I don't have a smart phone, so I haven't tried this app.  A coworker mentioned it to me because she knows how I rant and rave about women's clothes sizes.  It's a good idea if it works.

Tomorrow is my family reunion.  I'm not sure if I'll get a chance to report my weight tomorrow or not.  If not, I'll try to do it on Sunday.

Have a great weekend!

More Meditations

I looked forward to another stab at meditating all day yesterday. I did the same thing as Tuesday, I ran a nice tub of water and got in for a 10 minute soak. I listened to the water as it filled the tub. I concentrated on how the water was enveloping me like a nice warm hug. I began to think about how much easier it was than just the day before to focus. I thought about how I would blog about it and mentally make notes of what I would say. Then I realized that I wasn't meditating any more! I had to chuckle at myself and then refocused.

This time, I really was able to have the deep introspection I wanted. I'll refrain from going in to detail regarding my thoughts. They were quite personal and probably wouldn't make sense to anyone else anyway. Suffice to say that there is a certain order in which life goes and we must follow the progression for success, such as "crawl, walk, run." For myself, I too often want to skip to the end. I get weary of the middle, especially when the end is on the horizon.

I know that my meditation last night was just the first tiny baby step. I need to continue this practice along with good eating and good moving. I'm glad I heard that little blurb on the radio and decided to put it in to practice. I believe it is something I will continue, and reap benefits from it.   This is a long process, and every aspect is important for success.  I must be patient with myself and enjoy the journey.

I take a timer in to the bathroom with me to ensure that I get a full 10 minutes in. I was a little disappointed last night when the timer buzzed signaling my time was up. I think for the time being I'll continue to take the timer with me. Maybe one day, I'll get to a point where I don't need it, but I won't skip the middle part of learning and practicing before I make that decision.

BTW, I think I've hit upon a good combination of lemon with my water to mask the dirt-like undertaste. Things are looking up for sure!

Meditations

Last night was book club night for my mother and me. It was a mini challenge eating-wise. I didn't mention it because generally, it hasn't been a problem. We meet every month. Each month we have a theme that goes along with the book. I eat if I can, and don't if I can't. The ladies know that, and only one makes an issue of it. 

It wasn't a problem last night either as far as the food was concerned. My mother doesn't drive at night, so I pick her up and take her home. By the time we meet, and I drive her to & from the meeting, there isn't a lot of time left for general household work and exercise, much less meditation. I had resolved to start yesterday after hearing the news report, so I opted to meditate rather than exercise. (Who is surprised by that!?!?)

I ran a nice tub of water and soaked for 10 minutes. It was harder than it sounds. My mind wanted to think of what I needed to do, or hadn't done. I figure by the time, I filtered out all the extraneous thoughts crowding in my mind, I got about 4 minutes of good, calm, quiet in. I felt a little better too. I felt good enough to try it again tonight.

Thanks for all the support yesterday. That made me feel better too. It is good to know that I am not alone.

Struggling

I'm struggling right now. My thoughts are swirling around in my head. I'm not sure how to articulate myself. I have so many obstacles ahead it is hard to stay focused. This isn't the first time this has happened, so I should be able to deal with it. But I'm not. In times past, when I've had lots of challenges, I've been able to lose most of the regain in between times. Even though it was frustrating, the impact on my weight was relatively flat. Now, something has changed, and I'm not able to drop down those regains.




It started on the July 4 weekend with a 6 pound gain. I never really put my finger on that one. I thought it was water weight from dill pickles and carbonated beverages. That weight is still with me, so that completely negates the water theory. My weight has continued to creep up ever since. For the month of July, I've effectively regained everything I lost in June. It gets harder and harder for me to keep my resolve strong. It is hard to climb on the stair stepper thinking it is wasted time. It is hard to pass up the fruit since it doesn't seem to matter what I eat or how much. So far, I've managed not to pile in the ice cream or other tantalizing treat. I do know that will be harmful.



The water here is still gross. That doesn't help at all! I tried Timothy's suggestion to let it sit for 24 hours and then only drink the top. It didn't matter. I found some old Crystal Lite in my desk at work. It has been languishing there since I swore off artificial sweeteners some time ago. I figured it was better to get the water in even if it included some artificial sweeteners. Here's the worst part with the water - even with the Crystal Lite, there is a dirty undertaste. The only real solution is to buy bottled water until it rains. I'm in such a mental state now, though, that the whole water thing is just adding insult to injury.



I believe I am willing to do the hard work to fix the problem. I'm having a hard time isolating the problem. Since doing what I've done all along to lose 90 pounds isn't working anymore, it is easier to slip here & there and make things worse. A vicious downward spiral has begun and I'm not sure how to stop it or step off.



On the radio this morning, I heard that a new study* indicates that the way to lose weight and keep it off is to relax. This study found that individuals practicing meditation or yoga had better results with weight loss and keeping the weight off. So, I'm planning to add a 10 minute meditation to my day. I'm going to try and make it as regular as my work out. Maybe right before or after, so that I don't forget. Something has got to give soon. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take!!



*I wasn't in a position to write down the source of the study. I haven't seen anything in print or on line to document the source. If I find it, I'll post it here.

A Few Things

One:  This morning the scales said 172.4!  YIKES!  I wasn't expecting that.  I know that I've been slipping in the exercise area and I've been eating more fruit.  It is hard not to when it is so sweet and fresh this time of year.  So once again, I am committing to exercise more regularly and for an undetermined amount of time, I'm cutting out the fruit.  I'll add one back per day until I figure out my limit.  (Sort of like the old Dr. Atkins only this time with fruit.)


Two:  The water here is gross.  It happens almost every summer.  The rains slow and the water table shrinks so that the water starts tasting like dirt.  Our elected officials are assuring is that the water is safe to drink, but who wants to.  It hurts my heart to buy bottled water when we have a great filtration system at home.  It isn't enough to cut that dirt taste out.  For now, I'm adding lemon to mask the taste.  If that doesn't work, I'll have to loosen the purse strings and buy water for a while.


Three:  I'll try to remember to blog about the challenge ahead and the coping mechanism I'll use.  Maybe that will help me stay actually do it!  A week from today is my family reunion.  There will be food galore there and most of it good home made stuff.  I am a sucker for that.  There should be plenty of low carb options however.  I'll eat a hamburger without the bun some green beans, which I'm taking, and any other low carb/carb free vegetables I find.  I don't think that will be very hard.  My family knows of my weight loss efforts and are hugely supportive.  They won't try to force anything on me.  A week from tomorrow, we have a going away potluck for some long time members of our church.  I'm not sure how long but 30+ at least.  It is a pot luck so I don't know quite how I'll handle that, other than taking something I know I can eat.  The servers are already in place, so my default plan of serving probably won't work this time.  It is a little more than a week away, so I have a little time to plan for that.


Four:  Have a great Saturday everyone!

Out of Pocket

I've been a little out of my routine this week.  We are getting a new file server at work so that has kept me busy.  Today I was *gasp* without a computer!  I feel so out of touch.  I've been doing great with my eating although I'm not expecting much at my Saturday weigh in.  I have not put in the time with exercise.  I think once I get that piece of the puzzle in place the scales will move downward again.


Last night 65MD and I got the calendar out and penciled in the various trips, faculty gatherings and miscellaneous eating occasions coming up.  We have something almost every week between now and mid-October!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That means I have really got to kick it while I can.  I think I can.  We have two week long trips/seminars, but everything else is a one time thing.  Since I have this knowledge so far in advance I can plan accordingly.  I can trim calories here & there and add a few more minutes on the stair stepper.


Mostly, I'm adjusting my expectations.  I have no target date for getting to my goal weight.  I need to learn how to eat in situations like this for the rest of my life.  This is as good a time as any to learn.  I'll do the best I can and deal with what happens as it comes.

About Last Night...

Yesterday a dear, sweet, lifelong family friend had a pacemaker inserted. This is now an outpatient procedure - yes, I was surprised too. When 65MD and I learned of the surgery and that she would be home the same day, we immediately volunteered to bring the evening meal to this lady and her daughter.

The menu was meatloaf, green beans (from our backyard garden), potatoes (from my uncle's garden) and apple cake (made with apples from a friend's orchard). In the south, it is wrong to take a meal to someone without dessert. It is also a requirement to make at least three times the amount needed! I had planned everything the night before and did whatever prep work I could.

Yesterday when I got home from work I popped the meatloaf in the oven, put the beans & potatoes on to boil and whipped up the cake. My tube pan is too small to hold all the batter, so put the excess in muffin tins. 65MD likes a muffin for breakfast every now & then so this was, in my mind, a good idea. Of course, since the muffins were small, they got done before everything else. I took the pan out of the oven and put it on the counter to cool.

In the meantime, 65MD was on the phone with this lady's family checking on her recovery. He told them that we would bring the food by a full 30 minutes before my plan, so I began to scurry around getting things together a little more quickly. Of course, I couldn't make the meatloaf or cake cook any faster. I called and explained that I had not told 65MD my plans, and they were gracious enough to say that any time would be fine with them. I still felt like I needed to rush and get the food there as quickly as possible. So, I didn't take time to fix anything for us to eat. We could do that when we got back.

The muffins were sitting there on the counter smelling absolutely fabulous. I've made this cake since high school and I know how good it is. I was stomach growling hungry so I decided that a little pinch of that good crusty part right at the edge of the pan would be just what I needed. Oh my! It tasted even better than it smelled. The nibbles got larger with each successive pinch, and I ate the whole top. Then of course, the bottom part would get all hard and stale if it wasn't eaten, so I did.

At that point, I stopped myself. The 'damage' being one muffin off plan. Even though it was made with apples from an orchard which could not be any more organic, it also had white flour, sugar and oil, so it wasn't not a good choice. I didn't beat myself up over it. I really didn't have time at this point. The meatloaf and green beans were done and I wanted to get them wrapped up and delivered while they were hot.

The cake was done by the time I had the rest of the food ready. As any baker knows, cakes need to cool about 10 minutes before they are removed from the pan, but I had visions of my sweet friend starving because she hadn't eaten since midnight, patiently waiting for me to bring her supper, so I flipped the hot tube pan on to the plate. The cake stuck, about 1/3 of it remained in the pan. I got a spatula and got most of the rest out and slapped it down where it belonged. I quickly wrapped it up hoping the heat would somehow adhere it together and off we went with the food.

Our friends only live one street over, so it was easy to get the food there while it was nice & warm. I was a little surprised to find 6 people there instead of 2, but since I had "allowed for leftovers" as my grandmother used to say, I knew there would be enough food for the evening meal, but maybe not lunch today as I'd hoped. I confessed that the cake stuck, but they were just glad to have cake. 65MD and I visited briefly; were glad to see our friend up and looking good; and we went home to eat.

The first thing I encountered was the cake pan with some cake still stuck in it. It was the good crusty part and I started nibbling again. I was able to stop myself before it got too out of control, maybe another 1/2 muffin. I was disappointed in myself for sure, but I immediately recognized that this was not the end of the world. In times past, I would have either beat myself up and not allowed myself any dinner, or eaten everything I could get my hands on since I'd already blown it. Instead, I took a few minutes to truly assess the situation (and I dumped water in the cake pan).

I had eaten about 1 1/2 muffins. In the great scheme of things it really wasn't a huge misstep. It was far from a binge. I adjusted my evening meal, but ate. I did not overreact emotionally either way. The scales overreacted to the tune of 171.2 this morning. Again, a disappointment, but I'm not letting that bother me. I have no control over that, so why fret. I don't like that this happened, but I am using this as a learning experience. I am learning that it is OK not to be perfect. One slip up doesn't define me. Next time, I'll work harder to make better choices, like maybe chewing gum.

Plugging Away

I'm still here.  There's not much to report - drinking lots of water and doing lots of peeing!  I could exercise more.  That is one area where I have certainly let go of the perfectionism.  ;-P  I've got just about a month to make the most of things before those infernal faculty meetings begin for 65MD.  Then it is my birthday, his birthday and our anniversary.  So, I have about a month to really kick it hard, and then about a month to just hang on and do the best I can.  That's all I've got for today. 

My Day So Far

This morning 65MD and I got to go to church as is our usual routine on Sunday mornings.  When I selected my outfit, I chose a dress with a jacket because even though it is 110 in the shade here, I'm not hot.  In fact, I don't think I've been hot this summer, only not cold.  The church building is kept cool for the normal human beings.  The dress was from the consignment place I frequent.  It is a high end designer label that I would never, ever purchase at full price.  The dress is a gorgeous shade of red.  It is a classic, simple sleeveless dress and matching jacket.  It looks good on me.


As the morning progressed however, I developed a headache.  At times I felt myself scowling or gritting my teeth with the pain.  I feared that a full on migraine was coming and considered asking 65MD to take me home.  I didn't.  I say that to say that even though the dress was fabulous and looked good on me, I knew I was not at my best.  So, I was quite surprised when I got compliments on how nice I looked all morning.  One was doubly surprising.


There is a gentleman at our church that has extreme shyness, boarding on social phobia.  The poor man scurries around the hallways avoiding all human contact.  He selects paths so that he encounters the fewest number of people possible and sits as far away from the group as possible.  He is an incredibly intelligent man; he just has this shyness problem.  Imagine my surprise when he approached me in the hallway this morning.  He was at least 5 feet away from me as he told me that I looked very nice.  He said he had noticed that I had changed my hair and he really liked the way it looked.  (I'm letting it grow.)  He said that it was "attractive, very attractive."  Of course I thanked him.  That profuse type of compliment would have been welcome from anyone, but knowing the courage that it took him to actually say that magnified it greatly.


After church, my mother wanted to go eat, and I felt like a cool salad would be refreshing.  So, we selected a place where the three of us could get what we wanted.  As we walked in, there was a lady seated inside the doorway, dressed as though she'd probably come from church as well.  As I walked by she called out to me and told me how much she liked my dress and how pretty I was.  I was stunned.  A genuine compliment from a complete stranger is the highest form of flattery IMO.  She had absolutely no reason to say anything to me.  It really made me feel good about myself.  I also wondered what I would have looked like, if I'd not had that screaming headache and had a more pleasant expression on my face!


I ordered the salad as I had planned and drank several glasses of unsweetened tea with lemon.  That really perked me up so I began to wonder if I was slightly dehydrated.  I only drank 64 ounces of water yesterday rather than close to 100.

As I enjoyed my meal and my mother and husband enjoyed theirs, I thought about how much better I felt when I made healthy selections, especially when dining out.  The food tasted fine, and I had no guilt about eating 'bad' food.  My hunger was satisfied and I had no mental gymnastics later about eating up now, since I'd already blown it.  I actually feel like I want the good stuff.  Although the pictures of onion rings look good, I don't really want them, not when I think about how greasy the onion rings will be.  Not when I think about the stomach upset that grease will cause, not when I think about the bounce they'll create on the scales.  They simply aren't worth it. 

I'm trying hard to capitalize on those feeling.  I want to focus on enjoying the healthy food selections, knowing that they are what my body needs for nourishment.  That is what is important, a strong healthy body.  The only way to get that is by giving it the best fuel possible.  The number on the scale is just that, a number.  It is only a small measure of health.  The tag in my clothes denoting the size is utterly meaningless! I need to focus on the whole.  It is a shift in thinking, but it happening.  Slowly, slowly, but it is happening.

Whew!!

 I just try to cram too much stuff in to Saturdays.  Most of it is due to working during the week, and only having the weekend to do most of my running around. Part of it is being very stingy with my Sundays.  I try not to ever let anything disturb my day of rest.  This weekend I had the added joy of having a bushel of cucumbers fresh from my uncles garden.  So, in between all the other stuff I had planned.  I've been making pickles.  YUM!!!

I also spent a couple of hours shopping with my mother.  We don't get to do that enough.  I feel close enough to my final goal now, that I decided to do some fabric shopping.  More specifically pattern shopping.  I've had several pieces of fabric I've saved for the day that I was thin enough to use.  I'm close enough now to get started.  My mother volunteered to make some of the clothes for me too.  That is no small gesture.  She's sewn for me my whole life but now she has macular degeneration and can't see very well.  (She prefers to say that her eyes are tired.)  I'm grateful she's willing to tire her eyes for me.


So here I am at 7:00 pm finally getting around to posting my weight for the week.  I'm doing this instead of laundry!  This morning I weighed 167.2.  That is a mere 12.8 pounds away from 100 lbs gone.  That is my next goal and it is so very close.  Only 22.2 from my ultimate goal.  And, I'll have some cute new handmade clothes to celebrate.

Amazing Salad

A couple of nights this week, I have had the most amazing salad for my evening meal. It has been so good that I have to wonder why I wasted all of that time thinking that I didn't like salads. I've had the opposite experience a time or two when I've craved something and then it wasn't nearly as good as my memory. Now, I've moved on to actually enjoying the food I'm eating now.

Early on I ate what I knew I had to eat to lose weight. I think that was fine for then. I had to break the stranglehold that food had over me. Going cold turkey ;-) was the right way to go for me. Food had to become fuel and only fuel, not a source of pleasure or entertainment. I never thought that down the road a way, I'd really like and want that food. I don't think I really ever thought about it. I think this is a huge step forward. Liking and wanting healthy food is a necessary part of maintenance. Keeping the weight off while wanting something other than nourishing, healthy food, would be nearly impossible. Maybe, just maybe, I'm experiencing some personal growth!!

craigslist

I sell some really good junk every now and then on craigslist. It is a good way to declutter and get a little extra cash to put in my new wardrobe fund. Just the other day I sold something and as is typical, the buyer and I only knew each others first names. We agreed to meet in a public place, which is also typical. He told me that he'd be riding a black motorcycle. My usual description of myself has been 'fat & blonde' but this time, I didn't feel like that was an accurate description. I'm still blond, but I don't feel defined by my weight anymore.

Funny thing was, I really didn't know how to describe myself in a way that would be identifiable to someone that had never seen me. It was a little disconcerting. I finally told the man that I would be with my husband who had dark hair and a beard.

Later, I realized that the buyer had not really described himself physically either. He was average to small in body size and probably never thought to describe himself in that way. I could have easily told him what color clothes I'd be wearing or something else descriptive and identifiable. It struck me that since I've spent years telling myself and others that I'm the fat one, that I didn't know how any other identifiable traits. It is another one of those mindsets that will change with time, I'm sure.

Well!

I am back to my old self healthwise today.  It is hard to believe I felt so bad just Saturday morning.  I'm on the upswing emotionally too.  I spent a lot of time over the weekend telling myself that it doesn't matter how long it takes me to lose down to 145.  I stopped short of telling myself that it would be OK if I never got there. I'm trying hard to be calm and happy as long as the scales are moving down, however slowly.  We'll see how long this lasts, as I am not generally very patient with myself.

Better

 I am better, and I'm confident that I'll be back to my old self by tomorrow.  I felt well enough to go to church this morning, and I only have one sore in my mouth that really bothers me.  I was glad I went for several reasons, but the one I'll share her is an unexpected NSV.

65MD was asked to run the sound board for the microphones this morning.  He'd had one lesson last week and was alone working the equipment this morning.  It wasn't that hard, but he was nervous so I agreed to sit with him.  I had a feeling it would be cold in there will all the electronic equipment and grabbed a sweater to wear.  I stopped in the kitchen to give the dog a treat on my way out and put the sweater down, and I didn't pick it back up.

I was right about the temperature.  It was freezing and I was wearing a short sleeved blouse.  I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the service.  Of course 65MD wasn't wearing a suit coat or sport coat that he could share, so I began to rummage around the area to see if I could fashion a blanket out of something.  I found a ladies' blazer.  It didn't appear to be dirty, have bugs crawling on it, or any other condition that might make it unusable.  Of course, I looked at the size, but it hardly mattered.  I was putting that thing on!!  The label read 10P.  I knew it would be tight, but it would at least cover my arms.

I got it on no problem and wore it through the entire service without any of the seams ripping out!!  It was small in that I could not button it, but I've worn tighter clothes.  When I was at my heaviest, I often wore blazers that were no where near buttoning.  Somehow I got the idea that it hid the fat.  Go figure!

While I won't be shopping for 10P clothes any time soon, it was just what I needed to realize that in spite of the set back last week, I'm still thinner than I was.  It could be that when I'm at my goal weight I'll actually wear a 10P!

As always, thanks for your kindness to me!!!

Saturday Scale Says & Sick

This morning the scale read 171.4, not a big surprise.  I had a hard night last night.  I was really not feeling well at all and my mental resolve just wasn't there.  It is a good thing that I don't keep a lot of junk in the house.  I'm not prone to go get something, but if it is here I'll succumb.  I prowled around nibbling on this & that telling myself that my weight was going up any way, so I might as well enjoy it.  I did force myself to do the stair stepper, but that really did take all of my mental energy. 

Sometimes, that just happens, but I think part of it is this bug I'm fighting.  I woke up this morning with everything above my shoulders hurting.  UGH!  What's worse, is I have sores in my mouth.  One is particularly painful, but cold water is soothing to it.  So, I'm focusing on the positive in that.  Eating is no fun but ice water is good.  I'm going with it.  I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

Everybody's Right

I woke up this morning with a mild sore throat and still don't quite feel myself. Several of us at work are having the same symptoms so I think we've all got a mild virus. We all should be better in a day or two. Karen was right.

Timothy is right that I weigh a lot, but I'm not willing to say too gosh darn much, as he did. ;-) I weigh every day for the accountability. If I only weighed once a week, I'd cheat like crazy the first day or two after the weigh in thinking I had the rest of the week to fix it. If I only weighed once a month, I shudder to think how much I'd weigh. But, I will say that I've fallen in to the trap of focusing on that number to the detriment of noticing other signs of weight loss and good health.

The daily weighing leads me to almost constant tweaking of whatever program I'm on, in addition to switching back & forth. Sharon was right. I'm freaking my body out by continually cutting out this or adding in that and not really giving my body a chance to respond.

I was blessed with a couple of hours of solitude yesterday evening so I sat down with myself to truly focus on what I need to do. I won't go in to all of the introspection about perfectionism and impatience that surfaced. I recognized once again, that what I need to do is tackle those monsters and the weight loss will follow. I know what to do to lose weight. That part is 'easy' so to speak. I know what proper nutrition is, I know if I'm really exercising or just putting in the time. All I have to do is do it. I want to cut to the end. I want to find the quick way down the scales. What I wind up doing is prolonging the agony.

All I need to do is relax, take a deep breath and do what I know to be right. Eat fewer calories, and exercise more. I'll continue to monitor my weight, but I'll also check my measurements, and recognize those NSV's like having more stamina. Easy to say, but oh so very hard to do.

Thanks for helping me along this journey, even when I kick, scream and cry. I know you're right. Thanks for being honest with me, when I'm not with myself - especially when I'm not honest with myself.

Nonsense

My mind is a whirl and I can't quite articulate anything. It isn't like I've had horrible drama in my life, I'm just sort of blah.  I'm tempted not to blog because I really don't know what to say. I feel compelled to anyway. I've blogged about the good and the bad. Today, it could be the ugly. I'm afraid that if I allow myself to skip blogging because of this brain drain, it will be easier to keep skipping and longer and longer stretches will go between posts and I'll let myself slip away. I have seen that happen to others and I miss them. I don't want to do that.

I'm just going to try typing and see what comes out. It may be nonsense, but I'm hoping that I'll have an epiphany at some point. If I don't maybe one of my wise readers will read between the lines and tell me what's going on. Here we go...

I've lost a whopping 0.6 lbs of the 6.0 gain over the weekend. On Wednesday morning, I'd lost a whole pound. That seemed like my pattern. I tend to lose the weight about half as fast as I gain it. This morning I'd gained back 0.4. Go figure. I was also incredibly lethargic yesterday. I actually came home and took a nap in between work and church yesterday. I went to bed at 9:30 and slept all the way until 7:00 this morning. I didn't even get up to pee! I don't feel quite so tired today, but not really myself.

MD65's son is creating some issues at home. I promised myself this blog would not become a complaint journal, so I won't go in to all that. It is sad though. The whole situation does not have to exist. He just doesn't get it.

I've tiptoed back in to some real cooking not just hurry up and get out of the kitchen type cooking but real recipes. I'm trying some gluten free stuff and some new approaches to fresh herbs and vegetables that we have growing in our yard. So far I'm 0 for 2! The gluten free blueberry muffins were disgusting and literally stank. I think it was the soy flour.  The salad with fresh parsley was so bitter we couldn't eat it. 65MD loves the adventure of it, and I do too although it would be nice to find a keeper here & there. I've got another idea for tonight if I work up the energy.

I'm drinking lots and lots of water, lifting a few weights, Wii fit-ing, and eating on plan. Those are the things I can control. I'll keep doing those things and eventually the scales will follow.

So far, I've had no break throughs, and I can't think of anything else to say that might have some relevance. Anyone got any suggestions????

What is it about Weekends?

I don't know what happens on weekends, but I have a long pattern of weight loss stalls over the weekend.  I'll do great during the week.  I'll register a loss of some amount every day just about.  On the weekends - stall, or worse yet small gains. 

I've struggled and struggled to determine why.  I'm out of my super structured routine that rules my Monday through Friday life.  I sleep in a little on Saturdays and try very hard not to schedule too many things to do on the weekends.  I relish the freedom from a schedule.  Why in the world does this have a negative impact on weight loss?


I know for sure I get in all my water and then some because I measure it just like during the week.  I get plenty of exercise because besides my regular work out, I do a lot of household chores, walk in the grocery store, etc.  My day to day job is behind a desk.   I still weigh/measure everything I eat.  I stay on plan. Hmmm....


Needless to say, I approached this three day weekend with a bit of trepidation.  I had no celebrations to attend this weekend for which I was grateful.  I worked hard, paying extra attention to everything that I did, ate & drank.


First the bad news; I gained 6 pounds.  The only thing that I have come up with is that I had more sodium and carbonation than usual.  I think both things tend to make me hold water.  I ate a few dill pickles and drank a Sprite Zero with some diet cherry cola mixed in trying to make my own diet cherry limeade.  (It was better than Sonic!)


Clearly gaining 6 pounds in 3 days is not due to overindulgence.  I did not binge at all, especially not on that many calories.  I did have some chocolate covered cranberries last night because I knew I was going to register a gain and decided I wanted to make it worth it!!  I haven't had that kind of twisted thinking in a while.  I'm not upset about it.  Life happens. 

Anyway, I think the 6 lbs should roll right back off in 3 days and if so, I'll have the answer.  If not, I'll have some more thinking to do to figure out this weekend puzzle.  I'm not planning to work forever!  I must get to the bottom of this.

My Apologies to Sonic

Dear Sonic,
I am sorry that you had to take popcorn chicken off of your menu.  I am sure that the sales dropped too dramatically for that product to remain on the menu after I swore them off. 


I've tried to make up by purchasing diet cherry limeade several times a week.  The cost was getting to be a bit for me even during happy hour, so I've learned to make my own.  It is quite good.


I hope you don't go out of business because of me, but I won't be by nearly as often anymore.
Sincerely,
Lori

Saturday Scale Says

This morning I weighed 164.0  That is a total weight loss of 90.4 lbs!  I finally cracked the 90 pounds gone mark.  Only 9.6 pounds away from 100 pounds gone.  That's less than 10 pounds!!!  I'm only 18.6 pounds away from my goal weight of 145.


I made the switch to low carb today.  Often I'll have a little bounce when I make a change.  I'm trying to be extra careful today and push the water to keep that from happening this time.


I'm excited to see what the next three weeks will bring!


Have a happy Independence Day weekend, to my American readers.  Happy Canada Day to my Canadian readers. (just a little late)

Plans

I am a planner.  Big surprise, huh?  It goes hand in had with being a perfectionist and accountant I think.  I like this trait about myself.  I feel comfortable with a plan.  I perceive that I get more done if I have a list.  That way I can stay focused on the task at hand without getting distracted about everything else that I have to do.  The odd thing for me is, that if my plans don't work out, I don't get in a tizzy over it.  I just think something along the lines that my plans just weren't meant to be.

 

Most days I get up in the morning with a plan for what I'm going to do at work that day, and one for what I'm going to do at home.  If I'm able accomplish my plan at work, I feel like a superstar.  If I don't, I know that there is always tomorrow to try again.  Same with my home plans.  I'm trying to figure out how I can translate that attitude towards goal setting, since a 'to do' list is a goal of what to accomplish that day.  I'm just calling it a plan rather than a goal.

 

Even though I know I'm not to the root of the whole perfectionism thing, I'm still trying to deal with the 'symptoms' and as such I've decided to label my goals as plans.  My plan for the month of July is to eat low carb for the first three weeks beginning tomorrow.  That's in line with my idea to switch back and forth already.  I plan to lose as much weight as possible during those three weeks.  It could be three pounds. It could be more. It could be less.

 

Then my plan is to switch back to hcg.  I'll do that for three weeks or maybe four.  It depends on how much weight I lose.  After 6  or 7 weeks, I plan to be a lot closer to my goal than I am now. If I lose just the average of 2 pounds per week, that will be 12 to 14 pounds gone and only 7 or even 5 pounds from my goal!  I really, really want to get as close to my goal as possible in the next 6 or 7 weeks because my birthday is just 8 weeks away.  It would be a wonderful birthday gift to myself to be at my goal weight by then.  

 

The old me wants to make it my goal to lose 0.50 0.34  pounds per day between now and August 25.  So that I can make it to my goal weight by then.  Instead, the new me is making it my plan to stick to my eating and exercise parameters between now and then and be grateful for whatever loss I have between now and then.  That's my plan!