The Post I Don't Want to Write

I always try to focus on the positive when blogging. Even when I mess up, I try to acknowledge the problem and address how I'm going to change and fix things going forward. I really believe that a positive mental outlook goes a long way towards a positive outcome. I'm having a hard time doing that now, because my head just isn't in the game.

Work came crashing in this week, and while the crisis situation is now in hand, I'll be busier through the end of the year than I have been this summer. Part of it is the nature of non-profits. We live and die by donations and most donors hold their money until the end of the year. It is prudent cash management on their part. No one can fault them for that. That, and the thought of negating some taxes via charitable contributions, the donations increase steadily through the end of the year. Good for my employer and my employment security. But as the financial person, my daily work routine will get busier and busier along with the holiday party schedule.  It can be distracting.

Work and my schedule really only are small parts of why my head just isn't in the game. It is the prospect of this new 'magic elixer' I mentioned in yesterday's post. I talked to the woman this morning and confirmed our meeting for 10:30 tomorrow CDT. I'm excited about that. I have no doubt that this is just the stuff I need to carry me down these last 35 lbs. Really. I have no doubt. I have every confidence that I'll get to 145 or below.

This confidence is creating a problem for me. I'm so sure that this will work and I'll skate through this last little bit, I'm telling myself that it is OK to eat up now!! Last night J-boy wanted to go to one of our favorite BBQ places. I agreed without a moments hesitation. I did ruminate all the way out there about the wisdom of my decision and what I would order that wouldn't be too outlandish. I wound up getting a baked potato. It came with smoked pork, chives, cheese & sour cream. I got it all. I ate it all too. It was a normal sized potato, not one of those giant ones or two put together to look like a mutant potato. I was stuffed. I should have stopped eating when I first felt the full signal, but knowing that soon this would be off limits I kept going.

The good news is, I ate nothing else last night. I don't think I physically could. That is a victory of sorts, because there was a time in my life that the fullness would not have bothered me like it did last night. Regardless of that, I continued to think about all the things I should eat now while I could. Another victory is that when I really thought, I'd go get it/make it, I realized that I really didn't want it. It wasn't worth the weight gain. It was easy to think that while I was full, however.

I gained a whole pound this morning. Although I expected it, it is still discouraging on some level. Today someone brought in pumpkin mini muffins to the office. I don't even like pumpkin, but I ate one. That pesky little voice kept telling me to eat while I could. Here I am now, staring down the barrel of the weekend, and weekends are always a challenge, wondering how I'm not going to jump back up five or ten more pounds before the protein drinks get here.

Another strange surprise is that I haven't drunk all my water for the day. Usually I'm through with the minimum 64 oz by noon and at this point in the afternoon, I've rewarded my self with agave sweetened tea. Not today. I still have at least 8 ounces to go! I haven't drunk a soda or anything else so maybe that is a victory.

Exercise - still hasn't happened. I checked on the heart rate/calorie monitor and it is scheduled to be delivered on Monday. So, once again it is so easy to think that I'll start fresh on Monday.

I really don't want to write this, and don't want to click publish even more. I know that then, I'll be held accountable. I know that if I put this out there, the starting fresh will have to happen now, and I'm not sure if I want to. What do I want more? That is the question...that is the question indeed...