I've had a good day today. It started with a good weigh in, but I'll wait until tomorrow to reveal that. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as was surprised, and Timothy left a very thought provoking comment on my post from yesterday.
First the glimpse - I'm sure we've all done this; caught a glimpse of ourselves in a mirror or window when we weren't expecting to. I used to hate to do that. I'd always be disgusted by my belly or backside. The worst would be when I saw myself in an outfit I thought looked good on me and didn't in that moment. I would tell myself that the image wasn't real for some reason. Maybe the glass was distorting the image somehow, like those fun house mirrors. In my heart I knew better, but I wanted to believe it.
So, this morning, I walked through the house wearing only my undergarments and a bathrobe that wasn't tied. (I was alone, so I wasn't being risque!) I caught a side image of myself in the mirror and was shocked only this time it was a good shock. I looked thin!! Old habits kicked in and I began to tell myself this wasn't real. But unlike old times, I didn't believe it or look away. I stopped and actually looked. My first impression was right. My stomach has really gone down. I no longer look pregnant! Although, perhaps I might look like a woman in her first trimester before she begins to show! ;-D I had a little celebration for myself this morning.
Then, I got a comment from Timothy about my post yesterday. Scroll down and read it. I've spent a good deal of this journey trying to figure out what was behind my eating issues. I never really posed the question to myself in quite the way he did. Who made me feel like I wasn't good enough? The short answer is, I don't know - at least not yet. I immediately began to ponder the question and it rattled around in the back of my head all day. Who? Who, indeed?
I was surrounded by love growing up. I am the middle of three girls (which might say something right there!). My parents stayed married until my father died several years ago. They supported all our efforts growing up and encouraged us to be the best that we could, but I have no memories of feeling like I was being pushed to be the best ever in the whole world. I do have one memory of the seventh grade that popped to mind during the course of the day.
I came home from school on report card day with all A's. It was nothing unusual, but in science my grade went from an A to an A-. My mother's only comment to me was "Why did you go from and A to and A- in science?" I remember feeling deflated, but I think my perfectionistic tendencies began well before that. I remember at an earlier age, overhearing my mother say someone had done something 'perfectly' and I wished I could do something perfectly, so I think that drive came from inside.
Maybe since I pushed myself so much, and excellence became the norm very early in life, I just expect it of myself and so did they. They didn't discourage it. Looking back, I think they appreciated it. All three of us did well in school and were well behaved. I think they were glad not to have issues most other parents had with their children. We weren't angels but we were good girls. We did, for the most part, as we were told.
I remember them telling me not to beat myself up over issues that I thought were huge, but in reality were minor. They would give me lots of positive reinforcement for a job well done. I remember that even while appreciating the praise, wondering if they'd seen the flaw, because there always was one. Other than the science grade, I don't remember that happening. Maybe that is why that one stands out.
Clearly, I'm still contemplating the whole thing. And I think I'm on to something. I think in time, what I need to know will come to me. My mind might not be in the place to see it now, or work through it now. It will come and I will work through it, just like I will get to my goal weight!!!
If you read all of the comments, I think Karen was on to something too. I think I'll try phrasing my goals like that to 'trick' my brain for a little while!! I think that will work. The battle always has been for me, more between the ears than any where else. Once I get my mind right, everything else seems to follow.
1 month ago