More Musings on Being a Perfectionist

Sharon left this comment on my blog yesterday.

Because you are so focused on getting to the bottom of this perfectionism, I truly believe you will find your answers. But finding the answers and then working through them are two different things and the whole process will take time that will seem very slow. Be patient! Hope we can help out as sounding boards.

Two things immediately sprang to my mind. One, I am sooooo glad I have such wise readers. They point out truths that I don't see, or maybe don't want to see. I can't begin to count the times, I've poured out my heart in a post feeling lost, and then got a comment that made me wonder why I hadn't thought of that myself. My nephew told me once that I revealed far more of myself than I realized. I thought he was making that observation because he knew me and could read between the lines a little better than *strangers*, now I think he was right.

Second, Sharon was pointing out an age hold pattern for me - rushing to the conclusion. I am impatient. There is no doubt. I was probably born that way too! I thought that age had calmed me some, so I was ignoring that little issue. Both issues go hand in hand. I don't like holding the mirror up to my flaws, so I hurry to fix the problem so that once again, I'll be perfect.

I spent most of the evening being thankful first for the wisdom of all of my readers, and second pondering about rushing myself. Instead of allowing myself little 'errors' every now and then to inure myself, I need to continue to dig, find the root, and stop it there.

I didn't come to any grand conclusions last night but I did realize how much my career choice feeds the whole problem. I hold a BBA in accounting and an MBA in finance. In the numbers world there is no room for error. It is right or it is wrong. It is that simple and it appeals to my nature. No one wants their paycheck to be 'close enough' unless maybe it is an overpayment. The mortgage company doesn't say 'send us what you can' each month.

Being accurate is rewarded in my industry. I have had two positions where I reported to individuals that made me look like a sloth. It wasn't good enough to have the data correct, but the reports had to be centered on the page just so. Or, if something was due on the 15th of the month, it was not just any old time on the 15th, but 8:00 am. If I met those goals there was another, more stringent goal waiting in the wings. I am absolutely not exaggerating. Looking back now, I wonder why I didn't develop a tic.

I'm not considering a career change, although I often discuss early retirement with 65MD! ;-D Right now, I'm just observing the layers of the issue. I'm hoping insight will follow.

I Have Pretty Hands

Most people agree that my hands are pretty.  Complete strangers have told me so.  I have always thought that my hands are my nicest feature.  I have nice fingernails that naturally grow long and even glamorous.  I love to paint my nails.  Even as a child, I remember asking for red fingernail polish rather than a toy at the store. 

 

Over the years, I have gotten pretty good at self manicures.  I have a kit that requires five bottles of polish and takes at least an hour.  Once I do that, my hands are drop dead gorgeous.  When I was single I used to do my nails while I watched TV in the evenings. I would do the active part during commercials and let it dry during the show.  It worked quite well that way.  The odor bothers 65MD, so I don't do it that way anymore.  In fact, I don't polish my nails so much anymore.

 

At the store on Saturday, I found a bottle of pretty red polish on sale and bought it on impulse.  When I got home, I was a little frustrated with myself for buying it.  I thought I would never use it because I just didn't have time to polish my nails anymore.  On the heals of that thought, I realized that time wasn't the problem.  Time was not the issue itself.  It was the time it took to do the whole involved process of the stellar manicure.  I realized that if my nails weren't going to be 'perfect' I wasn't going to do them.  It was a real 'aha' moment for me.

 

So, I forced myself right then to polish my nails with the drug store polish that I'd just bought.  No cuticle prep, no base coat, no top coat, no chip resistant coat, just polish.  I cringed at first a little, wondering if I was ruining my nails.  But I forged ahead.  I also promised myself that if they chipped, they chipped.  (that is another issue I have with nail polish!) 

 

Guess what? My nails look just fine.  They aren't perfect.  They could look better, but why?  They look very nice for my regular day to day life.  If I were going to some fancy occasion, I'd feel more compelled to do the hour long ritual, but otherwise this is all I really need.  See for yourself...

 

 

 

 

I'm hoping as I go forward, to recognize other areas in my life where I've held myself to much too high of a standard.  If I can begin to recognize those things and take steps to relieve myself of that burden, I'll be a happier person at the very least.  I'll probably be a lighter person too because as I let go in one area, it will make it easier to let go in others.

Oh the Irony!

Just a quick bit of humor.  I have lost 90 lbs and I am wearing a girdle!  How funny is that?  I'm not trying to appear thinner, I'm just trying to hold all that loose skin in place.  I can laugh since I know it is only temporary. 

I Got Hit On!!

Oh, yes I did!!  65MD and I decided to attend a free concert in the park last night.  It was a gorgeous night weather-wise and we thought it would be a great night to relax outside listening to some big band era music.  We grabbed our bag chairs and a couple of bottles of water and headed out.


On the way there, I realized I had not put on my wedding rings.  Since they've become so loose, I hardly ever wear them around the house, especially not when I'm cleaning or doing something where I might distractedly lose them.  I joked that he would have to fend the men away and we both laughed at the very idea of it.  (Or at least that's why I was laughing.)


So, we got to the park and found a lovely spot on the lawn, got out our chairs, and made ourselves comfortable.  Very soon, however 65MD decided to visit the men's room.  I was left alone defenseless without my wedding rings!  A man at least 10 years younger than me (I do look younger than my years) came over and began chatting with me.  Of course I panicked.  I was never good at this as a single person and now I have to tell this guy he needs to move on.  I certainly didn't want to squash him.  He seemed like a nice guy.  I began to think of things that I could say  that would begin with the words, "My husband..." and not sound snarky.  It seemed like 65MD was taking forever to get back. 

I think the guy was interpreting my awkwardness for shyness, and was going to have a seat in 65MD's chair, when finally he reappeared out of the crowd.  He said hello to the guy and had a seat. The guy left.  He asked if the guy was hitting on me and I said I thought that was what was happening but it had been so long I wasn't sure.  LOL!!  That was the impression he got.  He thought there was the possibility that I knew him, but felt compelled to stake his claim just in case.


We saw the young man later chatting with another woman, who appeared to be more in his age bracket.  So, I didn't feel too badly for him.  In fact, I should probably go find him and thank him.  He gave me quite an ego boost yesterday!  It didn't hurt that 65MD saw it either!  Of course he knows he has a prize in me, now he knows that other men see it too...and I'll be more careful about the rings in the future.

Saturday Scale Says & More Ponderings on Perfectionism

This morning the scales said 165.4!!!  I've met the first goal I set for myself, and the first goal the doctor set for me.  Long time readers might remember that on my first visit to the doctor after losing some weight he suggested a goal of 165 saying that he didn't get hung up on all that BMI stuff, or something similar.  This feels good! 


My next goal is 154.4, which is exactly 100 lbs lost!  That is only 11 lbs.  I can make that happen, no problem.  One of the ways I intend to accomplish this is my strength training at least 3 but no more than 5 times per week.  I'll continue with the hcg for the week.  I'm strongly considering completing the full 6 week course of treatment.  That is the recommended way.  I've finished three so that is only three more.  I'll decide week to week.  If I'm continuing to lose weight I'll stay with this plan.  Once it stalls or 6 weeks passes, whichever comes first, I'll switch to low carb again.


I've continued to contemplate the question as to who made me feel inferior as a child.  The more I thought, the more I come back to the same answer - me.  As much as I'd like to blame someone besides me, I can't.  It may have been inadvertently fed by my parents, teachers or other adults in authority, but I think the seeds of perfectionism were born inside of me. 

I remember lamenting to my lamenting to my mother once that I always came in second in school.  Her response was something along the lines of how no one can win every time or something similar.  I can remember deciding that I would just have to try harder next time, although I truly don't remember her saying that.  I don't think she would have.
My parents helped us learn from disappointments, and mistakes.  That reinforced that idea I had to work harder, longer, more efficiently, whatever. 
Whatever happened, and however it happened, the question now is how to change.  What do I need to do to simply do my best and be pleased with myself.  Excellence is my goal, not perfection.  I need to do the very best I can, and accept the outcome.  I know that there are people out there that are smarter, prettier, thinner, etc.  It isn't my job to be better than everyone, just the best that I can be. 

This whole discourse probably seems silly to someone not struggling with this issue, but the whole paragraph above seems like a cop out to me.  It seems like I'm giving myself permission to be a screw up.  Plus there is a formatting issue I can't seem to resolve and I'm going to publish this anyway because I don't have to be perfect.

A Good Day

I've had a good day today. It started with a good weigh in, but I'll wait until tomorrow to reveal that. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as was surprised, and Timothy left a very thought provoking comment on my post from yesterday.

First the glimpse - I'm sure we've all done this; caught a glimpse of ourselves in a mirror or window when we weren't expecting to. I used to hate to do that. I'd always be disgusted by my belly or backside. The worst would be when I saw myself in an outfit I thought looked good on me and didn't in that moment. I would tell myself that the image wasn't real for some reason. Maybe the glass was distorting the image somehow, like those fun house mirrors. In my heart I knew better, but I wanted to believe it.

So, this morning, I walked through the house wearing only my undergarments and a bathrobe that wasn't tied. (I was alone, so I wasn't being risque!) I caught a side image of myself in the mirror and was shocked only this time it was a good shock. I looked thin!! Old habits kicked in and I began to tell myself this wasn't real. But unlike old times, I didn't believe it or look away. I stopped and actually looked. My first impression was right. My stomach has really gone down. I no longer look pregnant! Although, perhaps I might look like a woman in her first trimester before she begins to show! ;-D I had a little celebration for myself this morning.

Then, I got a comment from Timothy about my post yesterday. Scroll down and read it. I've spent a good deal of this journey trying to figure out what was behind my eating issues. I never really posed the question to myself in quite the way he did. Who made me feel like I wasn't good enough? The short answer is, I don't know - at least not yet. I immediately began to ponder the question and it rattled around in the back of my head all day. Who? Who, indeed?

I was surrounded by love growing up. I am the middle of three girls (which might say something right there!). My parents stayed married until my father died several years ago. They supported all our efforts growing up and encouraged us to be the best that we could, but I have no memories of feeling like I was being pushed to be the best ever in the whole world. I do have one memory of the seventh grade that popped to mind during the course of the day.

I came home from school on report card day with all A's. It was nothing unusual, but in science my grade went from an A to an A-. My mother's only comment to me was "Why did you go from and A to and A- in science?" I remember feeling deflated, but I think my perfectionistic tendencies began well before that. I remember at an earlier age, overhearing my mother say someone had done something 'perfectly' and I wished I could do something perfectly, so I think that drive came from inside.

Maybe since I pushed myself so much, and excellence became the norm very early in life, I just expect it of myself and so did they. They didn't discourage it. Looking back, I think they appreciated it. All three of us did well in school and were well behaved. I think they were glad not to have issues most other parents had with their children.  We weren't angels but we were good girls.  We did, for the most part, as we were told.

I remember them telling me not to beat myself up over issues that I thought were huge, but in reality were minor. They would give me lots of positive reinforcement for a job well done. I remember that even while appreciating the praise, wondering if they'd seen the flaw, because there always was one.  Other than the science grade, I don't remember that happening.  Maybe that is why that one stands out.

Clearly, I'm still contemplating the whole thing. And I think I'm on to something. I think in time, what I need to know will come to me. My mind might not be in the place to see it now, or work through it now. It will come and I will work through it, just like I will get to my goal weight!!!

If you read all of the comments, I think Karen was on to something too. I think I'll try phrasing my goals like that to 'trick' my brain for a little while!! I think that will work.  The battle always has been for me, more between the ears than any where else.  Once I get my mind right, everything else seems to follow.

Goals

Thanks for the helpful suggestion with goal setting in response to my plea for help the yesterday. I think the idea of setting more controllable goals is a good one, and one that works for most people. The whole goal setting/attaining & perfectionism are all bound up together for me. That makes even those more controllable goals difficult for me.

For instance, I'll set a goal to exercise three times a week. Seems reasonable and sane. Somehow, though it morphs from being a goal to the minimum acceptable standard. Meeting the goal of exercising three times a week is not good enough. I must exercise 5 times a week because that has to be better. Exercising three times a week is no longer good enough. I create a vicious cycle. In time, I beat myself up to attain something that is virtually impossible. The same thing with counting calories.  If eating 1400 is good, eating 1200 would be even better.  The next thing I know, I'm trying to stay under 1000.  I'm calling it perfectionism.  Maybe it isn't.  Maybe it is something beyond perfectionism, since I always have to be just a little bit better. 

I've been working on the perfectionism. I've been allowing myself 'error' and not mentally berating myself over it. Maybe it is time to try again. Instead of a goal to exercise so many times, or eat a minimum number of calories or carbs, my goal will be to give myself a break. I haven't decided quite yet what that will be, but maybe my goal will be to exercise only three times per week. It seems counterproductive, so I'm not sure. I'll give it some thought. Any ideas?

Great Expectations

I had a very good day yesterday. I felt it deep inside that my body knew what I wanted it to do and was responding. I drank enough water to drown a fish, and then started in on tea. I knew I was destined for a big loss this morning. I began to think about what I would say in my blog post this morning...OK...I actually started writing it. I put in a figure for this morning's weight. Life was good, even though I was a little concerned about having to justify losing too much weight too fast. That was a good problem to have and I was ready. Ummm...I'm not using that preliminary draft.




This morning I'd lost 0.6 lbs, a very good loss. Who wouldn't be happy with that? Maybe me. Honestly, I had worked myself in to such a state yesterday that I could hardly wait until this morning to get my official results. I got on the scales this morning and they didn't have the number I was expecting, so I was disappointed briefly. When I realized that I had indeed lost weight, just not as much as I wanted, I was better.



This episode brought to the forefront once again my issue with goal setting and more specifically expectations. When I set a goal getting anything less than 100% of the way there is unacceptable to me. I've really worked on this - at least I thought I had! But I think the way I worked on it was not to set goals at all. If I had no expectations, then I'd not fail. That isn't a good way to handle the issue.



I've got a lot of work to do in this area. I'm not sure how. I'm not sure what to do. I need some help. Any suggestions?

A Change of Plan

This morning I weighed 169.2, back to Saturday's weight. That's good, and I'm not going to think about it as wasted time, just life. I'm moving forward (downward!) from here. I do feel like my body is finally cooperating again and I should be able to have another blast down the scales. I want to make the most of that.

That is why I've decided to stay on the hcg one more week. I'd originally thought I'd switch back and forth every three weeks, but I often have a little blip up when I switch and then move back down. Mentally, I can't afford to cross back over that 170 line. Physically, I just lose better on the hcg. I'm so close. I just want to bite the bullet and do what I need to do to get these last pounds gone for good.  I'll decide week by week what I want to do.

Today I have had an almost insatiable thirst. I'm excited about that (except the peeing part) because I'll easily get in half my body weight in water today.  I believe that indicates that I'm flushing out excess water.  I'll find out for sure in the morning.

A Quick Update

This morning the scale was down to 170.4.  I'm trying to be happy about that.

I did not cheat in any way yesterday.  I don't intend to today either.  We'll find out the results in the morning.

What!!!

This morning the scale said 171!!!!!!!!!!!  I have no idea why.  My eating, drinking and moving were all spot on yesterday.  This is the hard part.  This is where I get so frustrated.  Gaining nearly 2 pounds after having ice cream, that's one thing.  Gaining nearly 2 pounds while towing the line is another thing entirely.


To make matters worse, I put on the size 12 skirt from yesterday.  The one I mentioned being a little loose yesterday.  Remember?  Well...forget it.  I put it on to wear to church and was shocked when I had trouble zipping it.  65MD came in the room after I had it on and said it looked tight!  Well, that made me feel fabulous indeed.


I'm steamed.  I'm irked.  I'm mad.  I'm irritated.  I'm frustrated. I'm tired.  But, I am not cheating.   I'm having another spot on perfect day.  I will not let this monster defeat me.  It is all I can do.  UGH!

Saturday Scale Says & Shopping Report

This morning the scales read 169.2!  That is just 2.6 pounds from my first goal of  166.6 (my lowest weight of the year).  Go me!! I mentioned a couple of posts ago that 65MD had decided to get serious about the 20  or so pounds that he needs to trim off.  He dropped 4.5 lbs this week!  I think the synergy in our house is good for both of us.  Even though we're doing different programs, there are still major commonalities, like no sweets.  It is a lot easier when we agree not to have any goodies in the house at all.  It has really been a good thing.  Even though he's been totally supportive all along, it is just different somehow now, in a very good way.

 

I went shopping this morning.  I had decided that my wardrobe is severely lacking in belts.  I think I can wear some clothes longer if I can belt them.  Armed with a discount coupon I headed out on a quest for belts.  I was not paying attention to sizes but looking for what I liked.  I picked up one and wrapped it around my waist to see how it fit & looked.  I liked it and then looked at the price tag.  It was within my price range and then I noticed it was labeled 'small' so I had to buy it!!

The store was having a really good sale so I decided to peruse the skirts to see if there was anything else I might 'need' for my wardrobe.  This time I was looking a sizes.  I found the most adorable tiger print skirt on the 30% off rack.  Could I be so lucky for it to be my size?  It looked small, but I know I have trouble visualizing my size right now.  I looked at the tag and saw a 12 so I took it to the dressing room with another skirt.  

I put the tiger print skirt on and got it zipped.  It was a little tighter in the hips than I like but it was too cute and I wanted it.  With it being a little tight, I justified, I could wear it at my goal weight.  I took it off and put the other one on and it was a little looser fitting.  I began to think how odd women's sizes were and how I was still going to have to guess as to what size to buy even at a much smaller size.  

 

I redressed and contemplated the skirts.  With my discount coupon and both being on sale, they could fit in to my budget.  The tiger print skirt didn't have a red dot on the tag to indicate sale,  so I was afraid it had been hung on the wrong rack.  As cute as it was, full price would be a deal breaker.  I really studied the tag to be sure there was no red dot, but noticed that the 12 I saw was the department number not the size.  The skirt was a size 10!  

 

I took it to the sales clerk and asked if it was on sale.  She said that it was because it had a black dot, which I thought was just an ink blot on the tag.  She further explained that the black dot meant half price rather than the 30% off I thought.  Needless to say I bought the skirt!  I have two new skirts and two new belts that I believe will work with my wardrobe even at my goal weight.  I love it when that happens!

 

For the record, the replacement router came late Wednesday evening. We immediately began to install it, but it was not cooperating.  We called our young relatives asking for advice.  When they ran out of suggestions we finally called customer service.  After a good while dealing with them, it was decided that the replacement router was a dud as well.  The replacement for the replacement came yesterday.  Luckily, it was installed quickly and easily and we're back to a three computer household once again!

 

My Faulty Memory

I still hadn't gotten over my disappointment last week of learning that I'd only lost 10 pounds in a year. I'd been trying to use it as positive tool, telling myself not to waste any more time. It was working in that I was following my plan to the letter, but still I couldn't shake that little dark spot in my mind. Yesterday, I decided to chart my weight loss by year. I wanted to be able to see what I weighed on June 14, 2009, 2010, and 2011, and every date in between.


This really wasn't a difficult task because I am a numbers geek. I have all sorts of data kept every way imaginable so, making the graphs really just meant sorting the data another way. So I began cutting & pasting the data into a new spreadsheet. As I began to review the data, I was shocked by what I saw. I yo-yoed even at the very beginning. As I had absolutely no recollection of this, I was certain I'd made an error cutting & pasting. I reviewed the original document and I had not made a mistake. My weight had gone up and down even at the very beginning.


I had memory of zipping right on down the scales, with large, relatively speaking, losses every day. That was another memory marred by time. I had plenty of days with minimal and even no loss. How odd!! I remembered stalling out just about time to cross over the 200 lb mark in to ONEderland. That was correct, but not complete. I did not remember jumping back over the 200 lb mark once crossing the threshold. The worst part is, I crossed over more than once...more than twice...more than three times!! Yes, I jumped back up over the 200 pound threshold 4 times before I got under to stay.


Oddly, that made me feel better than anything. I don't feel so bad now for jumping up out of the 160's. I'm going down for the fourth time this time, and I'm hoping/planning that history will repeat itself and this will be the final time I have to crack the 160's. I'm also hoping that I won't have that experience again in the 150's and 140's, but if I do I'll try to handle it better.







And just for the record, we still have no router.

Technical Difficulties

Sometime on Friday our router at home decided that it had worked long enough and quit. 65MD called the support line and was assured that a new one would be sent promptly. He was promised that it would be there on Sunday. We were both dubious of that promise. We were right the router did not show up on Sunday. It did not show up yesterday either. 65MD called again yesterday afternoon and was assured that it would arrive today. We'll see.

In the meantime, we've been limping along with an old fashioned wired connection on one computer for three of us. Out of deference to the others in the household, I've been limiting my time on line. I've snuck in here and there, read blogs and commented here & there. Blogging takes a little more time, so I haven't done that. I'm hanging in there with the plan, so don't worry about me.

Hopefully, when I get home from work, there will be a nice new router. Maybe we can even get it connected and working. If so, I should be back in the thick of it soon.

A Little Game

Yesterday was the day I chose to take the prior year financial information to the basement for storage.  There were 9 full banker's boxes.  It is a dreaded chore, but one a necessary one.  In order to make it a little more exciting, I decided to turn it in to a game of sorts.

 

I took all of the boxes from my office space to the top of the stairs Friday morning.  Since the stairwell is between my office and the restroom, I thought it would be fun to take a box down the stairs every time I came back from the restroom.  I usually wait until the last minute to go, so it would have been no fun for anyone to try to make a trip down & back on the way there! ;-)  Anyway...I had a feeling that I went to the restroom far more than 9 times per day.  I was right.  I was finished taking boxes downstairs by 2:00.  I was not finished going to the restroom. 

 

I made at least 12 trips up & down the steps yesterday.  Once co-workers learned of my escapade they were glad to chip in boxes that needed to go.  (The basement is dreaded by all!) 

 

I'm in a better place mentally than I was yesterday.  Thanks in large part to the supportive comments I got.

 

This morning the scales said 173.8.  I am reinstituting interim goals so, that is only 7.2 lbs from my first goal of 166.6, my most recent low weight.  That seems very easy and I need easy now.

 

My next goal is 154.4, which is 100 lbs gone, and my final goal is 145.  All reasonable and doable goals, that I will tackle one at a time.

Disappointed, Discouraged and Depressed

I try very hard to keep an optimistic outlook on this weight loss journey. It seems to make everything a little easier when I'm cheerful about it. I'd had a very good week and was feeling quite good about myself and my progress until yesterday. For some reason, I decided to go back and read my blog entries from a year ago. I wanted to see my progress. I knew that I was so much closer to my goal yesterday than a year ago that I would really get a charge out of it and blast through to my goal in no time.


Imagine my surprise as I went back and read post after post that I could have written yesterday. Posts about being close to my goal and how I was making small changes. Posts about getting back to new low weight that seemed elusive, but I was going to do it. The difference in my weight is a measly 10 pounds!! That has hugely disappointing to me. I should have been more diligent. I kept reading searching for something to make me feel better. The more I read, the more discouraged I became. Why had I wasted all this time? What was wrong with me?

Truly trying to pull myself out of this nosedive, I began to tell myself that it was better than gaining 10 pounds during the year. It wasn't working. I could feel the depression seeping in around the edges and I had to get control and get it quick. Nothing sabotages my efforts more than depression. The feeling of worthlessness, does not induce the mindset needed to make good decisions about food and even worse exercise.

I quit reading my own blog and looked at others. Lyn over at Escape from Obesity had a stall that lasted years and she's still in there swinging. She's not alone. Several of the blogs I read have had slow, slow (and even yo yo) progress. The key, I think, is not quitting when it gets bad. It would have been so easy last night to give in to the desire to eat, but I didn't. I don't want to be here next year trying to squeeze of another regain.

In all honesty, I still didn't feel a lot better. I got disgusted looking at that fat face I've had on my profile. My plan was to change it when I got to my goal, but I decided I needed to get rid of it. The picture that is there now is of me last month on vacation. What I really wanted to do was a slide show of shots of me on the way down and update it from time to time. In my frustration, I could not get blogger to see flickr so I quit! Maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind I'll try again. For now, I'll concentrate on getting through today.

As Heard on the Radio

I listen to the radio in the mornings as I get dressed for work. Most days they give some sort of interesting tid-bit of information and call it news. Earlier this week I heard that a new study indicates that yo yo dieting is better than staying fat. I smiled to myself since I've been up & down about 10 pounds more times than I care to count. I was vindicated.

Then this morning I heard that a new and very effective tool for weight loss is...the internet!! Of course, we already knew that. The report went on to say that dieters should not get discouraged if one plan didn't work, just try another. Oh my!! That is what I've been saying all along on this blog and what I read in most of the blogs out there.

Perhaps going forward diet researchers should just call us. We could save them a lot of time and money on studies.

I Still Think about Ice Cream

I feel like my head is in the right place for getting to my goal now. For me getting my mind right is the biggest part of the battle. I know what I can and cannot eat to get to my goal. I'm fine with operating within those parameters. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about ice cream, or that cookie dough waiting to be baked. I do. It is different now though.

Before I started dieting if ice cream popped in to my head, and stayed there, I'd go get some. Simple as that. When I first started dieting seriously a couple of years ago if ice cream popped in to my head, I'd immediately banish the thought. I could not have those thoughts rolling around up there torturing me, knowing I couldn't have any. There were times when I would be counting calories so that technically ice cream was allowed, and if the thoughts could not be banished, I'd try to work it in. That didn't always result in the outcome for which I hoped.  :)

Now, however, when thoughts of ice cream float into my head. I think about how it would be good to have a bite or two right now. I might even contemplate the creaminess and the coolness in my mouth and throat. I might think of which flavor would be particularly appealing right now. After a moment, I sigh and remind myself this isn't the time in my life for ice cream. And I move on.

It is similar to me thinking about being at the beach. Often when I'm at work thoughts of being on the beach pop in to my head unbidden. I'll think about the sun on my face and the sand between my toes. I'll mentally hear the surf and feel the breeze. Then I'll sigh and get back to work. I know this isn't the time in my life to be at the beach and I move on.

I know that one day, I'll go to the beach again. I know I don't live there. It is just a rare, sweet indulgence. Same way with ice cream. One day, I'll have ice cream again. It won't be an everyday thing, just a rare, sweet indulgence. In the meantime, back to work.

Confirmations

Today I was glad to get back to the healthy eating part of the hcg plan.  I was glad to chug the water and even glad to make multiple trips to the restroom.  It felt good.  It felt right.  I felt strong, knowing I was doing the right thing to get this weight down where it belongs.  That was really enough, but I was blessed enough to get two confirmations that I'm doing the right thing.


First a co-workers daughter had come to the office on Friday and we had a nice chat.  The co-worker told me this morning that her daughter went on and on about how, sweet, nice & pretty I was.  My co-worker kindly agreed.  Then her daughter asked how long I'd worked there.  She thought I was new!  She didn't realize I was the same person she'd talked to last time she was in the office.  (She covered it well, too.)


Second, the nurse giving me my allergy shots this afternoon, said I was either going to have to get a new photo or verify my birth date before I could get any more shots.  I have an ID card that I scan to check in.  My picture appears on the computer and that is used to verify the right person is getting the right shots.  I started taking shots just a week or so after starting the first round of hcg two years ago.  The picture is definitely different.  I agreed to a new shot, but then she said I could wait until I go to my goal.  It won't be long now!

The First Two Days

It takes two days for the hcg to fully saturate the system.  Somehow it helps the process along to take in a lot of food during that time.  The term used in the documentation is "Load."  For two days the user is supposed to eat anything and everything.

I used to worry that the only reason I did hcg was for those two days. I would plan for those days.  I would go to the store and lay in supplies like folks do before a snow prediction in these parts.  I'd warn 65MD so as not to scare him by the consumption of mass quantities of food.  For two days, I'd spend my day thinking of just what I wanted and then go get it.  Life was good before the reality set in.


This time not so much.  This time my thoughts were more along the lines of "Do I have to?"  It isn't that I'm a saint.  It is because I am absolutely sick and tired of losing these same pounds over and over again.  This is it!!!  I also think the synapse in my brain is complete regarding over eating & eating the wrong food and feeling bad.  I just don't like it.  I don't like feeling stuffed and bloated.   I almost feel achy and flu-like when I really pig out.  I don' want to feel that way either.

As strange as it sounds, I'm learning to welcome not hate hunger.  I'm learning that I feel lighter somehow when my stomach isn't engorged with food.  I like that.


This time I spent a lot of time contemplating just what to do.  I want the hcg to have the maximum effectiveness, so being completely sated is necessary.  As I considered what I thought would taste good.  Most I dismissed.  Most I thought things like the last time I had that, it wasn't as good as I remembered, or it just wasn't worth the regain or bloat.


As I said, I am not a saint there were three things that continually made the cut as I considered how to spent the first 48 hours.  The first and hardest thing to deal with was what to drink.  I wanted Icees, Coke, sweet tea, and just about any other cold sugary drink that came to mind.  I decided to go ahead and indulge.  While the calories will remain, they really won't create as much of that heavy feeling in my belly.  The other two were ice cream and something decadent made by me.  Because what I make is really the only cake, pie, cookie, etc worth eating.  Perhaps I should say homemade, by someone that knows what their doing.  That doesn't sound quite so arrogant.


The ice cream thing was easily solved.  I just went to the store for a single serve container of a high end premium ice cream.  I'm not wasting my calories, or money for that matter.  For the homemade treat, things worked out as well.  There are two youth events at church in the coming days for which several of us have been asked to supply dessert.  I am only too happy to provide.  So, I'm making cookie dough this afternoon.  I'll have some nibbles and bake a few cookies.  The rest of the dough will go in to the freezer until it is time to actually bake the cookies.

For my meals, I'll keep eating as usual, except not weighing every bite.  That is the most wearying part of this whole process for me.


I really do think this is a sign of growth. I feel like I can eat the way I have for the last three weeks (low carb) on a day to day basis when I get to my goal weight.  Perhaps maybe a bit more volume, but basically the same real foods prepared by me.  On birthdays, holidays or various other special occasions veer from that path, with a slice of cake or other special indulgence.  It seems doable now.  It seems sane and reasonable.  Dare I say, it seems normal.


Right now the task is to get to that point.


Evening Update:  I made the cookie dough for the youth group and it is safely wrapped awaiting baking later this week.  While I was happy to make the dough for the kids, I would not have done it just for me.  It would have been too much trouble.  In fact, a couple of times, I had to remind myself I was doing this for a nibble here & there.  I did not bake any for an extra indulgence.  Hmmm...

A Quick Catch Up

I feel like I've spent the better part of two months catching up on this blog.  I had a couple of planned absences and a couple of unplanned.  I'm hoping both are over for the summer.  I don't have any more trips planned until September and I don't have any more sisters!  ;-D


My older sister has progressed on her house to the point that she's comfortable enough to go on a mission trip. 


My younger sister is back at home now.  The baby seemed to be fine when they left the ER, but being non verbal it is hard to know for sure.  He began having seizures and had to be readmitted to the hospital.  The doctors think the trauma of the accident triggered them.  He's medicated now and is much better.  My sister felt strong enough yesterday to return to the scene of the accident, by picking up her older son at school.  She was nervous, especially when she heard the school bus engines, but she was tough and made it through.  They have one more week of school and she'll be able to make it.


I had a good week with both eating and exercise.  I feel like I hit all of my targets every day, but the scales were stubborn all week.  My low weight for the week was 173.2 and my high weight was this morning of 174.4!!  It is frustrating to say the least.


Even though, I'm proving my own theory of 'immunity' to one plan after a period of time, it is still hard to know I've done everything right and have not been rewarded by a loss at all!  I had secretly hoped that I'd be doing so well on low carb, that I'd do another week on it.  Of all the plans I do, I like this one best.  But, I'm switching to the hcg today as planned.  I had just hopped to get back to my pre-trip weight by now and have this be 'new' loss.  I'll do this for three weeks, and I'm not secretly hoping to add another week!!  I am however, hoping to blast through this plateau and drop some major pounds.  I'd really, really like to get to  100 pounds gone during this time.  That is only 12 new pounds.  I'll find out soon enough.

In trying to re-frame this in the most positive light, I think I've found a way of eating going forward that will be comfortable and easy to incorporate in to my life style.  In the meantime, I'll do what I need to do to get to my goal.  I'll do my best to be more regular with my posting, so that I don't have to update.