Oh, My Goodness!!

This morning the scale read 181.2!!! Even though I know what happened, I can't believe it. It scares me a little bit too.




The day started out great. It was a gorgeous late summer day in the southeast. I filled my water bottles as I do for work because I know I have a hard time keeping up with my water intake on less scheduled days. As J-boy and I went about enjoying the fabulous day, I drank water and ate according to plan. All was right with the world.



I tried some new recipes and was pleased that I was able to enjoy cooking again. I missed it. This time, I was making lentil soup and whole wheat bread. It was good. We ate the soup for supper and even took some to my mother. The three of us agreed it was very good soup.



After we got back from my mother's, I found myself more than once eating peanuts. It was like I had lost consciousness and came to, only to discover myself eating peanuts!! The good news is once, I was aware I stopped. It is also good that peanuts are the closest thing to junk food I have in the house. I finally put the peanuts where I could not see them. But it gets worse.



When the bread was done, I was a little concerned about it. It didn't rise up nearly as much as I was accustomed to with white breads. And it was just an ugly loaf of bread, even J-boy said it was one of the saddest looking things I'd ever made. He takes his job as my cheerleader very seriously, so if he said it was sad, it.was.sad! So, without giving it even a thought I sliced of a piece to taste. It was warm so I put some butter on it. J-boy thought he should have a taste too, so I cut him a slice. I was surprised that it was not bad. It was a little dense but most whole grain bread are. I was about halfway through enjoying that warm slice of bread when I realized this wasn't in my calorie count for the day. I was making it for sandwiches for lunch this week. (And I hadn't counted all those peanuts!)



I had a real struggle then with the bread and the bread won. I ate the rest of that slice. I had to leave the room. I left the bread unwrapped on the counter because I knew that I'd be tasting another slice of the bread and digging those peanuts back out and seeing what else there was in the house to nosh if I stayed in the kitchen one second longer. I had that horrible internal battle all of us face, only this time it was not just about wanting to eat, but wondering how often I ate like this and never realized it. I told myself I was a fraud, that I didn't know the first thing about losing weight, on and on the belittling went, and I could not seem to get off that merry go round of thought.



I picked up a novel to get my mind off of things, and about 5 pages in one of the main characters has gastric bypass surgery and discusses what she can eat!! I got in the bathtub for a good long soak. Then I saw my belly floating there above the water like a little island. I refused to go to sparkpeople to see how many calories I'd had even though often it isn't as bad as I thought. I just couldn't face it. I didn't want another reminder of my failings.



I am truly nervous about the whole absent minded eating thing. I've been so frustrated thinking that I've been on plan and haven't lost. I've tweaked here and there, up my exercise, etc to break through those barriers, but now I'm really wondering. Were those really barriers or am I in some huge denial? There is no denying that I have lost weight, but I've yo-yoed for far too long. How do a fix a problem, of which I am not even aware? I don't know...I just don't know...