Monday Mileage and Merry Christmas

As of last night I have 913 miles towards the goal of 1000. Counting today,I have 8 days to walk 87 miles.  Don't think that's happening.  My goal now is 16 more miles.  That is manageable considering the various gatherings I have between now and the end of the year.

I had a bit of a panic last week about my year end mileage when I lost my pedometer briefly.  On Thursday, I had a free and open day stretching before me.  I had no appointments of any type.  No where to be at any certain time.  It was glorious.  I needed to go by the bank, and post office and then finish shopping.  I got that done in short order and came back home.  We have some winter lettuce in the garden that I wanted for supper so I rushed out to gather that in the cold and wind.  I came in and started doing some indoor chores and noticed at some point that my pedometer was not on my waistband.

The last time I knew that I had it for sure was when I dressed in the morning.  It was well into the afternoon when I noticed it was missing.  I knew I had a lot of steps because I'm good at taking the long way around at home and parking in the far slot at the store.  I was bummed and began to think through a fair way of estimating my steps.  I just knew my pedometer was in the store, or worse the store parking lot.  But before total freak out set in, I retraced my steps in the house.  Not there.  I went outside into the cold & drizzle, knowing it would not be out there either.  After all, wouldn't I have heard it when it fell, wherever it fell?  There is a lot of noise in the store and parking lot so I could have missed the clatter as it fell.  Much to my surprise, the pedometer was right at the edge of our little garden spot on a bed of leaves.

Apparently, the bending & twisting cutting the lettuce worked it loose.  It fell on the leaves, so it did not make a loud noise as it would have if it had fallen off in the kitchen.  I was quite relieved.  It had been a couple of hours since I'd been outside, but I didn't miss the majority of my steps for the day.  And, I was saved from having to buy another pedometer or trying to come up with a fair average steps for the rest of the year.

On another note entirely, my hip is much better but not where I want it to be as far as range of motion is concerned.  I've got a regimen of exercises and stretches to do twice a day.  They're not hard or time consuming.  Since they are so 'easy' I often think I can do that later and later doesn't come more than I care to admit.  It is simple enough to do this routine in the morning time when I had been doing P90X.  I need to actually schedule an afternoon time.  It will happen, I'm sure, once I get back into my new normal routine.  For now, P90X will have to remain a goal for another time.

I probably won't be back except for maybe a quick hello before the first of the year.  Family will begin gathering tomorrow and we'll be together until January 1.  I will relish every second of it!

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday Mileage

I crossed over the 900 mile mark this weekend.  As of the end of the day yesterday I have 901 miles.  I knew when I took on this challenge it would indeed be a challenge.  I felt like I'd get 900 miles in at a minimum, I thought it would be more like 950+.  I've still got a couple of weeks and I'll still keep up with my steps, but I'm not going to beat myself up over not making the full 1000 miles.  If I were in school and got 900 out of 1000, I'd get an "A" so I'm giving myself one for this challenge and the rest of the mileage for the year is extra credit.

My weight has hovered between 207 and 208 since December 1.  We splurged and went out for Mexican food yesterday and this morning my weight is 210.4!  YIKES!  It has to be water retention from the chips & salsa.  I'll be diligent about the water today and it will drop back down.

My life is still revolving around doctor's appointments and medication management.  I'm feeling a little frustrated because I'd just gotten a taste of freedom from schedules and now I'm right back in it.  We have to have schedules to function in life, so I'll just have to deal with it.  My mother is getting stronger and healthier everyday, for which I am extremely grateful.

And on another note entirely, I have a new niece.  She was born last night about 9:30 and I am thrilled for the new little one.  She is my older sister's first grandchild.

There are a lot of emotions rambling around in my head, from utter disbelief and sorrow for those left behind in Connecticut, to the absolute delight with the new life in my family, from frustration and anger over my mother's health, and my weight, to the excitement of family from near & far gathering for the holidays, my head is swirling.  I'm trying to focus on the happy aspects and deal with the unhappy without getting bogged down in it.

Our New Normal

There really isn't much to report on the weight loss scene.  I'm preparing meals that work with my mother's new eating plan.  It isn't so bad and even 65MD is on board with it.  My weight has remained stable, for which I am very thankful.  The nutrition plan M has now has far more carbs than I'm used to.  I'm not eating nearly as many as she is, but it is still more than I generally eat.  So, staying fairly stable is a real feat.

We are slowly figuring out the rhythm to living together.  It is the end of the semester for 65MD so we would be adjusting anyway.  This is the first big school break since I've been working from home.  Now we have one more element. 

Overall, this has been a very good thing.  I am in a position with work to be much more flexible so that I can take M to her appointments.  We had a vacant room, which we were deciding the best use.  Now we know the best use of it.  Everything is slipping in to place.  It is just different than it was before.

I'm hoping by the first of the year that we will have established our patterns and feel like this is the way life has always been.  If so, I'll get serious about restarting P90X if the therapist allows.  If not, I'm already looking for an alternate plan.

In the meantime, I'll drop in on Mondays to report my miles and weight.  I'm hoping the accountability will help me not go completely crazy.  I'll check in with posts as I have something to say.  I will continue to read my favorite blogs.  I can't miss that!

Miss Me?

I got thrown a couple of major curve balls by life in the last several days.  Blogging suddenly became much less important.  I'm still in the midst of a major life upheaval so I'm not sure how much I'll be around.  To keep from seeming so mysterious, I'll recap my month so far.

On December 1,  my mother and I had a meeting regarding her sister's estate.  It got ugly but by the time it was over, things had smoothed out.  I left her at her house about 1:30 and moved on with my day.  65MD and I went out to a late lunch/early supper because we had a football game to watch.  We had just gotten home and settled in for the game when my sister called.

A friend from church has stopped by my mother's house and discovered she'd had a 'spell' so she called my sister who is a nurse.  My sister quickly realized that our mother was in serious trouble.  She called 911 and me.  65MD and I met the first responders on the way to her house.  My sister had not been able to find a pulse or a BP, but my mother would respond when she was asked a direct question.  That was the only way we knew she was alive.

She spend a couple of nights in CCU with dangerously low BP and then a few more nights in the hospital with more stable BP.  She was released on Friday with no diagnosis for the cause of the episode although an irregular heartbeat was diagnosed and will be treated with medication.  The irregular heartbeat does not cause the sort of symptoms she presented.  We've been told we may never know the cause.

As a result, we are all a little nervous about her health.  Although, every test came back indicating she was incredibly healthy, we are still concerned.  Since we all have this concern, my  mother has moved in with 65MD and me at least until Christmas.  We are leaving the door open as to how long because she isn't ready to talk about it.  That is fine.  65MD and I are glad to have her with us.  We are thankful that we are in a position to have her, and so far it has worked well.

The biggest issue we face now, is adjusting her diet to accommodate the new medication.  The allowed foods are much higher in carbohydrates than we are used to.  65MD is fine eating whatever is prepared and is doing his best to think of creative menus that will work for the three of us.  But that isn't the entire story of the week.

On Thursday, my mother had stabilized to the point that I felt comfortable keeping a therapy appointment I had for my hip.  I'll not go in to detail, but the bottom line on that is P90X is off the table for me at this time.  I was given a couple of exercises to do to heal my hip, but that is all I am allowed to do at this time.

After a week in the hospital, eating and drinking what kind friends brought by, I was surprised to see that my weight has been somewhat stable.  My friends know that I have lost weight, so they brought diet beverages, fruit and the like to the hospital.  There was no meaningful exercise, and the few steps I got were from pacing the halls.

I know there is no way that I will make the 1000 mile challenge by the end of the year and I'll likely still weigh over 200 pounds on January 1.  Right now, all of that pales in comparison.  I'll do my PT exercise faithfully.  I will serve my mother the food she needs to be healthy and eat that myself, avoiding the carbs.  I will be around as much as possible but I make no promises about blogging once a week or anything like that.  I will continue to monitor my weight, and try to at least maintain.  I am setting no goals and have no expectations of weight loss.

I very much appreciate prayers during this time of transition.  I know that it will all work out as it should.  It just might not be a lot of fun getting there.

For the record, I have 889 miles for the year, and I weigh 208.6.

Steroids

I have had pain in my right hip off and on for years.  I was diagnosed with arthritis in the right hip joint several years ago.  When I get a flare up, I just pop a naproxen.  Generally that does the trick.  But not lately.

The past several weeks I've had off and on pain, but more on than off and much more severe.  I began to think that I'd injured myself somehow.  The pain would at some times be excruciating and at others just mildly annoying.  I hobbled around like a little old lady.  I knew I had a doctor's appointment soon, so I just waited for that.  It was Monday.

My doctor was quite concerned about the pain, and referred me to a specialist.  He was impressed with the P90X, but shocked that the weight loss had not been more dramatic. The last thing he said to me as I left his office was NOT to stop the P90X.

The specialist diagnosed inflammation in the connective tissue and prescribed a round of steroids and physical therapy for three weeks.  I'll start that as soon as I finish the steroids.  I am to continue with the workouts as best I can.  (Which is all I can say for myself anyway!!)

I was most unhappy to get the prescription for steroids.  I have fought too long and hard for the little ground I've gained to see it all slip away.  I asked if I would be hungry or grumpy ('roid rage) and was told my appetite would increase but so would my energy level and I would not get grumpy.

Yesterday was day number one of 6 days.  The doctor was right about one thing.  I wasn't grumpy.  I did not have a boost in energy and I was not hungry AT ALL.  In fact, I've had to force myself to eat.  Food just grosses me out right now.  I've been quite thirsty and have been chugging water like crazy. but eating, not so much.

My weight stayed the same this morning.  It is obviously too soon to know if this is related to the steroids or just something odd that has happened.  It is also too soon to know how my weight will be effected.

I'll just keep doing what I know to be right and see what happens.  Right now, I just want my hip to feel better.

Almost NSV

I have to share this funny story, probably giving too much insight into my psyche, but humorous none the less.

On Sunday, just before walking in to the auditorium for worship, I'd stopped by the ladies' room.  I checked the mirror to be sure my clothes were straight before exiting and thought that perhaps, just perhaps my outfit was a bit slimming.  And that just maybe all the workouts were beginning to show.

As I approached my seat, with that in mind, a kind gentleman whom I've known for 20+ years asked if someone 'had been whittling on me.'  I immediately felt as though my thoughts just moments earlier were being confirmed and smiled broadly at this.  Instead of thanking him, however, I said "Whittling on me?" because I did not want to automatically assume that is what he meant.  He gestured to the bandages from the surgery last week and said "Yes, right there.  Whose been whittling on you?"  I thanked him for his concern and explained that a suspicious spot had been removed and that all was well.  He expressed his pleasure that all was well and we went on our respective ways.

I breathed a sigh of relief that I had not automatically thanked him for noticing the minuscule weight loss and maybe even sharing how hard it had been.  That would have been embarrassing for both of us!

Oh well, soon enough I'll have that NSV where someone will notice my slimmer figure.  One day, it will happen.

Monday Mileage

 I now have 856 miles in the bank for the year.  I'll get well in to the 900 mile range, if I don't get to 1000.  That's OK.  I know I have given this my best shot and I'll walk the remaining miles in 2013.

Sunday marked the end of the second four week phase of P90X.  As of this morning, I have lost 0.4 lbs.  Some of my more alert readers might remember that just last week I had posted a gain since October 1.  I lost 2 pounds last week.  Let me rephrase that.  I lost 2 pounds THANKSGIVING WEEK!  I'm really, really hoping that means I've turned the corner with this thing and the next 5 week session will bring some much anticipated results.  I have lost 5.25 inches over my entire body.  I'm sure the slow melt is the best.  I'm OK with that.  I just want to lose no matter how slowly.  I do not want to regain one ounce.

I am not getting too excited about the loss just yet.  I don't want to create an unrealistic expectation and be disappointed yet again.  I'm tired of being disappointed.  Besides that, I really can't tell in my clothes or in photographs just yet.  I had 65MD take pictures again last night.

They are in order from top to bottom.  The very top picture is the start picture.  The middle is after 4 weeks and the bottom is after 8.  I'm just seeing microscopic differences.  I debated about even posting them.  It seems a little pointless.

I will forge ahead still.  I will know soon enough if I've truly turned the corner or just had a fluke week.  Which by the way, was fabulous!  I'll refrain from gushing about what a great family I have.  I'm counting the weeks until we are all back together again.

Monday Mileage

Today kicks off the Thanksgiving festivities in my family.  I'm off very soon to pick up my nephew from the airport.  So, today I only have time for the facts. 

I have 839 miles towards my goal for 1000.

I have gained 1.6 pounds since October 1 doing P90X.  I think the surgery messed me up more than I ever considered.  I'll keep my eating at the new level this week.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I'm not sure how much I'll be able to check in between now and this time next week.  I'll be enjoying every second possible with my family.

Wednesday WRONG!

Mid morning on Wednesday, I had some minor surgery, very minor.  It had been planned for several weeks and I really had not given much thought to the notion that it might mess up my P90X routine.  My only concession was that given the time the surgery would take from my day, that I might not have time to do a full workout.  I thought I'd just do the ab ripper if that was the case.

The surgery went fine.  No problem and I was home early afternoon with no restrictions on activity.  I naively believed that ab ripper was in my future that afternoon.  The surgery was no where near my abdomen.  Let's just say it didn't happen.  In fact, I did nothing 'right' in the weight loss arena on Wednesday.

I did not drink the amount of water I usually do.  In fact, I recall drinking hardly any.  I also hardly ate.  It was an unusual experience for me.  I did not get upset with myself.  I just chalked it up to one of those life events that was beyond my control and moved on.  I thought that Thursday would be better.  It was, but only marginally.

I got about half my water in, but still did not track my food.  I tried to belly dance.  Thursday is typically my day for that and it is low impact so I thought I could do it.  I turned it off  during the warm up.  I think that set the tone for the day since I tried in the morning.  It seemed pointless to push the water or track my eating.  I just didn't feel like eating.  It seemed to be a lot of trouble to go prepare something to eat, so I just didn't.

This morning the scales registered a big gain.  I have regained all but 0.2 lbs that I lost since October 1.  Grrr!

The good news is, this morning I was able to belly dance and I've chugged water like a camel.  I'm still not too keen on eating.  I'm not really worried about that.  I know that my appetite will return soon enough.  I'm hoping that the scales start cooperating soon too.

Still Trying

I got the nutrition book for P90X out yesterday and gave it a thorough review.  I was really hoping to find something huge I missed.  Something I could point to, something to correct so that I could get the scales or the tape measure moving again.  I found nothing, huge or small.  I recalculated my nutrition needs to make sure I was in the proper zone for fat shredder.  According to my math, I am.

I did find one part that said it was hard to find the proper zone in some situations.  That the nutrition guidelines were general and sometimes needed to be tweaked for certain individuals.  So, I'm going to try that.  I'm upping the protein and lowering the carbs.  I had almost convinced myself to do a induction type eating plan, where carbs are virtually zero.  But the book explained that with this level of exercise carbs were necessary.

So, I'm going to give this a whirl and see what happens.  I'll probably try to give it until the end of the year to give it a fair chance.  Come January 1, I hope to have dazzling results to share, rather than the announcing of yet another plan to lose.  We'll see.

Monday Mileage

 As of today, I have 816 miles towards my goal of 1000 for the year.  I'm creeping up on it.  I appreciate the confidence that Sharon has that I will get to my goal.  It could happen.

Also, as of today, I have lost 1.4 lbs with P90X.  That represents a total loss since October 1 not for the week.  In fact, for the week I gained 0.4 lbs.  So, it is decision time for me.  Do I stop, since this doesn't seem to be working?  Or, do I keep my commitment to do this for 90 days?  This is my conundrum.  Am I recognizing that this isn't working for me, or am I giving up?

I'm fine working through the hard part to get to the goal.  I'm just not sure I'm on the path to the goal.  It is hard for me to believe that I'm on the wrong path because who doesn't lose weight when they workout for an hour or more every day, six days per week?  Me?

I have struggled with those thoughts all week.  I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't want to keep on doing something that isn't working.  That is just a waste of time that I could be using to get actual results.

Right now, since I don't have a Plan B, I'm going to keep on with P90X this week.  I know for myself, if I stop without having another plan in mind, I'll be back next week reporting much more than a 0.4 lb gain.  I'm going to use the week to first give the workouts and nutrition plan everything I've got, and second explore other options.

I have a benchmark in mind for my weight next week.  If I meet that goal, I'll stay on P90X, if not, I'll have Plan B ready.  I have an idea of what to try next, but I'm open to suggestions.  Lay them on me.

65MD Eats Pizza

Since 65MD is trying to trim a few pounds (and doing so quite successfully), he's also facing some of the mind battles we all do on this journey.

One of 65MD's favorite foods is pizza.  He'll eat pizza just about anyway it is prepared from just about any vendor.  He's had pizza on the brain lately.  He's tried to calculate how many calories per slice is favorite pizza is and how many slices he can have per day and not exceed his calorie limit.

He was formulating a plan in which he bought a pizza and froze the individual slices and took one to work each day for lunch.  I could see how the math worked and it would fit in to his calories, but I also know the pitfalls of having a whole lot of a taboo food around.

I remembered making cauliflower pizza some time ago using Lyn's recipe over at Escape from Obesity.  I asked 65MD if he would be willing to try it.  He eagerly agreed;  a little too eagerly.  It made me realize just how much he wanted pizza and if this missed the mark, he'd probably rush out to Papa John's before I could stop him.

I use a few of Lyn's recipes regularly, and as I said had tried this one once with success.  But, that was different.  I know what it is like to have those taste sensations in mind and how frustrating it is when reality doesn't match.  I forged ahead because, that's how I am.

I made a full size pizza with several meat toppings because the P90X plan is low carb so I could indulge as well.  Here is a shot of it.

After making the whole pizza, I had enough of everything to make another one just as large.  I told 65MD so, and that I hoped he liked because we'd probably have it again.  We each ate two slices initially.  That was plenty for me and left half of the pizza.  I laughed and told him that we were going to have this at least one more time even if I didn't make another one.  He said that he'd gladly eat it again, but wasn't finished yet.  He ate a third slice!  He polished the rest of it off the next night. He did say that he missed the bread but it wasn't worth it to eat it since this was so good.  This will definitely be added to the rotation in our household.  Thanks Lyn!

 

Monday Mileage

I have 795 miles towards my goal of 1000 for the year.  The goal is in sight but so is the end of the year.  LOL!!  I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and see just how many miles I've walked on December 31.

Sadly, my weight continues to yo-yo.  Yesterday, I really felt smaller.  I decided not to try to confirm it with the tape measure I did not want to get discouraged.  My waist might just be 1/4 of an inch smaller and I didn't want to get all disappointed.

I have decided to post my total weight loss since beginning P90X each Monday along with my mileage.  Hopefully, that little extra accountability will help.  We'll find out soon enough.

As of this morning I have lost 1.8 lbs.

Still Struggling

Folks, I'm sorry to report that I am still having a hard time.  I haven't had any more meltdowns like I did on Sunday so maybe that is progress.  I have spent a lot of time trying to be completely honest with myself by asking questions like:
*"Are you really giving it your all during the workout?"
*"Are you honestly recording your food?  All of it?"
*"Are you willing to do the hard stuff to get the reward?"
I truly believe that the answer to all those questions is "YES!"

During my workouts this week, I did my very best all the time.  I don't think I was slacking off before, but I really, really concentrated on pushing myself.  I've kept up with my food intake diligently.  The only thing that could possibly be a problem there is not enough food, specifically protein.  I am working hard, very hard to get the results I want.

What I need to do now, I think is adjust my expectations and wait.  I need to wait for my body to finally get it and drop the pounds.  I've done a lot of crazy things in the name of weight loss and my body could just be freaked out by yet another change.  This one is right.  This one is sane.  This one has slipped in to my lifestyle more easily than others.  This one feels different mentally.

I am envisioning myself as the chubby little caterpillar now.  I'm spinning my cocoon.  While I'm in there, I'll work my plan with all my might.  The fat and flab will slip away and toned and healthy body will emerge. 

Right now, literally, I'm putting on more and more layers as the cold weather comes to my area.  That is my cocoon.  In the spring when the weather warms and I no longer need layers of clothing to keep warm, I'll shed them.  And just like the butterfly emerges with bright colorful wings, I will emerge in a lithe and graceful body.  Wait and see.

Monday Mileage, Measurements and Meltdown

As of today, I have 771 miles towards the 1000 mile challenge for the year.  I think by the end of the year I'll have well over 900 but maybe not 1000.  I'll keep the challenge going for myself until I hit 1000, maybe in January.  None of my colleagues appear to be on track to get the full 1000 in either.  I'm taking some comfort in that.  I know that we all gave it our best shot.  We knew from the beginning that it would be tough.  That's why it was a challenge.

Yesterday marked the end of the first four weeks of P90X.  I have lost  2 pounds and 2.25 inches.  I'm disappointed to say the least.  It started out well.  After 10 days I had lost 5 pounds.  Then on day 11, I had a bit of an uptick.  I knew the initial rate of loss was not sustainable, so I didn't get concerned about a small change.  What I did not anticipate was the continued yo-yoing and then the sudden two pound gain over the weekend.  That continues to be distressing to me.  I'm doing my best to hang in there and keep doing what I know to be right but to be honest it is just plain hard.

As I was getting dressed for church yesterday, I got out a top I hadn't worn in quite some time.  We're having a bit of a cold snap so I got something more suitable for the cooler temps. When I put it on, it was snug.  That was just the last straw for me.  Even though it wasn't really too little, it had not been that tight on me last time I wore it.  I jerked the top off and flung it on the chair, and burst into tears.  I'm talking making noise sobbing.

Of course 65MD was in the room and did his best to console me.  Somehow that made the whole thing worse.  I was furious with myself for allowing such a horrible regain and then embarrassed by my temper tantrum.  This was a fit that any three year old would have envied.  Then there was 65MD, all calm and steady telling me that everything was OK, telling me that it didn't matter if that blouse was tight, telling me that no one cared what the number on the scales said.  It didn't matter to me then.  All that mattered was that I had no control over my body.

I controlled everything I could.  I controlled the eating and the exercise, but I could not control how my body responded.  I could not control the scale or the tape measure and that just made me mad.  That ire gushed out of me in a horrid rush.

I'm still not happy about how my body is responding, but I'm over (for now) the fury.  I feel drained and empty now.  But, I stayed in charge of my eating yesterday, even at our Fall Fest surrounded by candy, cotton candy, popcorn, hot dogs, etc.  I am continuing to forge ahead eating and exercising.  Once day, eventually, I'll have better news to report.

Here is the only shot where I can see any difference at all.

I could be fooling myself but the top picture is 'before' and it seems like my belly isn't quite as big in the one below.  I welcome any comments, just don't be mean.  My fragile esteem can't take that right now.

 

Fabulous Day!

Yesterday was a fabulous healthy living day.  Really, if there were a text book for a healthy life, my day yesterday should be a chapter.  It was great.  I started out with Cardio X from P90X.  I got a good sweat going and rocked the workout for the full time, nearly an hour.  I got in all of my water, which wasn't hard with that workout.  And eating was spot on.  There was no room for improvement.  Yesterday was great and I felt it.  I felt strong and healthy.  I went about my day knowing that I owned this, knowing deep inside I had finally found my niche.  Knowing on a cellular level that this was it; this was the way my life was going to be going forward and it was a good thing.

Imagine then my surprise this morning when the scales were up 2.2 lbs!  My whole loss from October 1 was virtually erased in on fell swoop.  I'm stunned.  I really, really don't know what to make of it.  I had finally reconciled myself to slow, slow losses, knowing in my heart that this was the right thing for me.  Now what?  If I'd eaten a pan of brownies yesterday, I would not have eaten 7700 calories, not to mention those I burned with P90X.

I can't even imagine what would be causing me to hold that much fluid.  I didn't eat anything salty.  I'm not a fan of salt anyway.  (Sugar is my nemesis.)  The only thing that makes any sense at all is that I'm retaining water for some odd reason.  What?  What?  What is going on in my body?  What do I need to do about it?  Right now nothing.

I'm still going about my day like the gain hadn't happened.  Still following the workout (belly dance today!) and fat shredder plan along with the water.  I'm still bummed.  Monday is my day to report the stats for the first phase of P90X.  I'd be humiliated to report a gain, especially when there have been no brownies involved at all!!!  The beachbody people might call and tell me to stop doing their program.  They won't want the bad press.  I can't say I'd blame them. 

Food, Glorious Food

Before I began my weight loss journey, I was a huge fan of food.  I loved reading cookbooks and tweaking recipes to suit my tastes.  I loved inviting people over to enjoy the rich, hearty food I prepared.  I was a very good cook and accomplished baker.  My nephews would tell me well before their birthdays exactly what sort of cake they wanted and how it was to be decorated.  I happily complied.

When I started this particular leg of the journey three years ago, I gave that up almost completely.  The only 'cooking' I did was to make the food required on my current eating plan.  They joy the kitchen once held was gone.  I grieved for this loss.  It was a huge part of my life and I had a void there like any loss.

In time, I began to view food as either good or bad.  It was 'good' if it was on my current eating plan and 'bad' if it was not.  My view of food got very skewed and even though I realized it, I really didn't know what to do about it.  I forged ahead eating the foods I knew to be 'good' on most plans, like protein and vegetables with a little fruit thrown in for balance.  Fruit became virtually my only carb.  Potatoes, pasta, bread and the like made only the rarest appearances in my diet.  I wasn't a very happy eater.

My weight loss stalled and fluctuated over and over.  Over and over, I'd try to fix the food.  I would tweak, eliminate or add back this food or that looking for the right combination that worked for me.  Not much did for the long haul.

Then I started P90X and the fat shredder nutrition plan that accompanies the workouts.  It is a balanced approach.  All food groups are allowed, but some more than others.  For instance, I get one fruit serving per day and 5 protein servings per day.  It seemed quite sane and I slipped rather easily in to the plan. 

Something quite amazing is beginning to happen.  I am once again looking through recipes but my favorite ingredients are different.  I'm looking for ways to tweak recipes but with a different mindset now.  I'm looking for healthy food that is tasty to me.  I'm finding it and having a blast.  I had no idea that fresh vegetables and fruit could taste so good!

Several days ago, I decided to have an orange for a snack.  It was a lovely fall day, so I took my orange outside to enjoy on the front porch as I read a book.  I took one bite of the orange and was stunned.  I do not possess the writing skills to explain just how delicious that orange was.  It was sweet and bursting with flavor.  All thoughts of the book were gone as I ate the orange, slowly and deliberately.

I actually stopped mid-chew to savor all of the taste sensations occurring.  It was unreal.  Heretofore, whenever I'd put something in my mouth that tasted that good, I'd start cramming it in as fast as possible.  This time I chewed very slowly feeling the bursts of flavor as my teeth ruptured the membrane.  I felt the sweet juice on my tongue and slowly, slowly swallowed and felt the nourishment go down in to my belly.  It was an experience in eating.  I almost came inside and wrote a post called "Ode to the Orange" because I was that awed.  Obviously, I didn't.

A few days later, I prepared a salad for lunch.  It was an ordinary salad with a mixture of various lettuce types, and a little cottage cheese for dairy.  I don't often do dressings, and discovered some time ago that cottage cheese works much better for me.  When I took the first bite, I was once again bowled over by the fabulous taste sensations.  It was delicious.  I can't believe I actually considered a salad delicious, but I did.

It was then that I realized, this:  When I am hungry and using food as fuel for my body, my body likes it.  My body responds by enjoying it.  I noticed that as my stomach got full, the salad wasn't quite so delectable.  My body was sated and my taste buds were responding. 

I think this is a real key for me.  I am trying to pay attention to how good my food is.  When it is quite tasty, I know it is good fuel for my high performance machine.  As it declines in tastiness, I know that my tank is getting full.  This is still a work in progress for me.  Not every meal is a great big YUM each time, but they are more and more.  I don't always stop when the yum factor is gone, but I'm getting better.  I think I will only improve from here.

Monday Mileage

I have 750 miles under my belt!  Only 250 more to go.  It will be a stretch to get that many more miles in before December 31.  I'm still giving it my best.

I'm still hanging in there with the P90X/Belly Dance combo.  I'm disappointed to report another week with no loss.  I'm definitely disappointed but not yet discouraged.  I can't help but believe this is the right thing for me to do.  The workouts are challenging and the eating is sane and sensible.  All the aspects are quite doable for me in my life right now. Eventually, my body will have to build up enough muscle that the pounds will start melting off.  It is no fun work my tail off and not see the results for which I was hoping. 

It is further insulting that 65MD has decided to trim off those few extra pounds and lost three pounds in three days!  I've cautioned him that this is not sustainable, and that the loss will taper off.  I'm saying that as much to me as to him!  All he's doing is counting calories in a very general way.  He'll eat something and say it is about 200 calories and move on.  He has no graphs, spreadsheets, charts or even a real calorie count! I am glad for him, but jealous too.

This is week four of the first phase.  Next Monday I will report the total loss I've had since October 1 in both total pounds and inches.  I can only hope to catch up with 65MD!!!

Anonymous Comments

I'm interrupting my weight loss blog to ask "What is up with these anonymous comments?"  Is any body else getting these?  They are 'comments' that are poorly written grammatically speaking, leading me to believe the author is not a native English speaker.  But, they really aren't comments at all but advertisements for other blogs, most of which I have no use for since I am a girl!  I'm getting anywhere from 3 to 6 of these a day!  The spam filter gets them so that they aren't published, but several of them make it to my email anyway for moderation.  I don't quite know how that works.  It is really OK, I just delete them.

I love comments.  I love the encouragement I get from my fellow bloggers.  I'm amazed sometimes how someone who doesn't know my IRL can know me better than I know myself.  Plenty of times, I've gotten comments from a reader and I've been shocked about what that person read in to my post.  issues were apparent to them but I hadn't seen it for myself.  I'm grateful for all the comments I get and especially grateful for those.

I try to pass along that same encouragement to my fellow bloggers.  I'm happy to plug a fellow traveler's blog.  I enjoy getting a shout out on another blog.  It is all part of it for me.  As difficult as this weight loss journey is, we all need a bright spot and blogging is one of mine.

Thanks to all my real commenters.  You ROCK!  For the others, I'm happy to keep on using that delete button.

Belly Dance Day!

Today the P90X schedule said to do yoga, but thanks to my friend Timothy, I did a belly dance DVD instead.

Words like 'graceful' and 'lithe' have never been used to describe me.  Words more like 'klutz' are much more appropriate.  I've told the story before on this blog about how my mother took me to the doctor when I was little thinking I must have inner ear trouble because I was so clumsy.  So, I entered in to the belly dance workout with no delusions of being able to do the moves.  I was right.  I think rather than being a self fulfilling prophecy, it was a realistic acknowledgement of my abilities.  I have never moved my body some of those ways, at least not on purpose.

I was pleasantly surprised by the video.  She was good at breaking down the moves in a slow step by step way and then speeding them up.  I could just about get the moves in the slow methodical way but no way was I doing it a full speed.  That was totally fine with me.  As I said, my body had not moved in those ways before, so it will take some practice to feel natural and then get it right. 

The one thing I could do, was shimmy.  I was a shimmying machine!  I can and will use that success to learn the other moves in time.  My intention was to use this DVD in the place of yoga each week, but I'm already thinking of incorporating it more often.

I was very surprised as to how quickly the time went.  The workout was peaceful and I actually enjoyed it.  Who is this woman living inside me that voluntarily exercises 6 days per week for an hour and then uses words like 'enjoy' to describe it?  I don't know, but I hope she sticks around for a while.  I like her!

The only thing I would change about the DVD is some of the camera angles.  I was a little disappointed sometimes because as she would be explaining a certain movement, the camera would be on her face rather than that part of her body. So, I couldn't actually see the movement.  I'm sure once I get more familiar with the workout that won't really matter.  It just made things a little more difficult for me initially.

The belly dance is here to stay.  Thanks Timothy!!!

Expectations and Discouragement

Discouragement is still trying to creep in to my mind.  I am trying to battle it back as best I can.  I know what is going on.  I know why discouragement is crouching at the door.  It is me.  It is my expectations. 

I really, really felt like at the beginning of P90X, just 2 1/2  short weeks ago, that I had reasonable expectations.  They aren't being met and now I'm losing enthusiasm for the hour long workouts.

I see improvement with my abilities to perform the workout and that is great, but it is also very nebulous and difficult to measure.  I fear that I will become complacent about 'showing improvement' rather than making real progress.  Whatever that is.

There are two concrete ways to show success in my estimation, the scales and the measuring tape.  I weigh every day.  It is a form of control that I need.  Generally, the number does little to make me feel like a good person or a bad person.  It helps me spot trends and make corrections before getting to far afield.

Sadly, the scales are not giving me the results I expected.  In nearly three weeks I have lost a whooping 3 pounds and that was the first week.  I knew that the first week I'd have a large loss and it would taper off as time progressed.  I did not expect it to stall completely!

I know the old adage about building muscle and I believe that I am.  Again that is hard to measure.  At the same time, if I were building muscle which weighs more that fat, causing the scales to stall, wouldn't I be seeing it in my measurements?  In fact, I don't think I would have to be measuring at all, my clothes should be telling the story.  They aren't.  My blue jeans are as tight as ever.

Now with the season change, I'm looking at some adorable cold weather clothes that I bought at the end of the season last year when I was 40 pounds lighter.  Ain't no way those are working now!  I refuse to buy  new clothes in this current size.

Now it is time to take my own advice.  Stick to it and don't worry about the scales.  No one ever said this would be easy.  I don't mind the hard work, and I'm actually enjoying the way I'm eating.  I just don't want to get discouraged.  That is the hardest thing for me to overcome.

Monday Mileage & Musings

I am currently at 729 miles for the year. It is becoming clearer and clearer that I won't make the 1000 mile goal at the pace I am going right now.  I'm going to have to step it up, literally or accept the fact that at my current pace, I'll get in the range of 950.  I'm leaning towards getting in the 950 range, mostly because I want to focus on P90X.

Speaking of which, I did Kenpo X for the first time on Saturday.  It should have been my second time for that workout but it just didn't happen the Saturday before.  I really enjoyed that work out from beginning to end. Kenpo is a martial art and I've always wanted to learn one.  I felt good and strong during the entire work out.  Yesterday I paid in a major way! 

I did the workout Saturday morning so as to be sure to get it in.  As the day progressed, I felt the workout more and more in my midsection.  Yahoo!  That is where the trouble is.  I took a naproxen at bedtime and still woke up stiff and sore.  I needed the day of rest yesterday to recover.

I was back at it this morning.  Somehow this morning the workout was much more of a mental challenge.  Those ugly thoughts tried to creep back in.  Discouragement tried to get a toehold.  I just had to power through.  It was hard.  It was much more of a mental thing than a physical thing.  And I just don't like it one bit!

I'm half way through with the first four week cycle.  I am not going to be defeated by my own silly self.  I am not going to let those lies about my physical abilities control me.

I am making one small change.  Timothy, very generously sent me a bellydance DVD.  I am going to do that in place of yoga, on Wednesday.  I had been considering it.  I wanted to be sure that I was making an honest change to the program and not wimping out on the yoga just because it was hard.

Last night, as I was chatting with friends, the subjet of yoga came up.  I really did not contribute much to the conversation other than agreeing with the various statements about it being hard, etc.  Because when the subject arose, I immediately got tense.  I felt my jaw clench and felt almost fearful, as if one of them might ask me to strike a pose right there!  I knew then that I  needed to table the yoga DVD for a while.  I'll come back to  it.  I won't let it defeat me either.

Another Dose of Reality

Today was yoga day with the P90X program.  This is the one last week that nearly broke me.  I literally had tears burning in my eyes.  I felt all the humiliation of those days in PE and gym during school, and I was alone in my living room. 

I gave myself a lot of positive self talk before beginning the DVD today.  I told myself it was OK not to do everything.  I told myself only I knew if I was giving it my best and my best was all I could do.  I reminded myself that the people on the DVD had been doing this for ages and that only the best would be included.  I tried very hard to only say positive things to myself and I think I was successful in that. 

Never once did I think about skipping it.  I knew better.  I knew that if I skipped it, I'd probably never go back and try again.  I knew that even another 'bad' session would be better than skipping.

I really don't know how to label today's workout.  I don't want to call it 'bad' because of the negative connotations that brings.  It was certainly better than the last time but far from good.  I only fell over once.  I still could not do all of the poses nor could I hold all of them for the entire time. 

I am concentrating on the fact that I was better.  I know that inside.  I know that I gave it my all and that is all anyone can do.  I know that a week is not nearly long enough to perfect these poses.  Some people do this for years before getting in to some of the more difficult poses.  I'm good with where I am now.

This is huge for a perfectionist like me.  I'm stunned.  I'm stunned on two levels.  One that I haven't quit because I'm not perfect and two that I'm totally OK with improvement rather than perfection.  Last night, I was thinking, in a very realistic way, of where I might be when this 90 days was over.  As I thought, I began to think about the next session and how much better I'd be then.

This is not me.  Or this has not been me in the past.  The old me would have been marking the days off and thinking only this many more.  And I need to lose x lbs per day between now and then, setting unrealistic expectations. Now I think I'm managing my expectations much better and I sort of like me better this way.  As I said yesterday, I have to live inside of me, and it is so much happier inside of me now.  It is a good place to be.

Perceptions vs. Reality

Last night about bedtime, I had a sudden realization that I hadn't measured everything when I took my measurements before starting the P90X.  I should have measured my ribs just under my breasts and my tummy between my waist and hips.  I made a mental note to do them today.  After all, it has only been 10 days.

I've had a feeling that my waist has gotten smaller.  My pants don't feel as tight in the waist.  My plan was to wait to measure after 4 weeks to give myself the full first cycle.  I knew the results would be more dramatic if I waited.  Being able to tell in my clothes was just a bonus.  Plus, I didn't want to be upset if my feelings were not confirmed just yet.

After I rocked another workout this morning I took those two measures and noted that they were made on October 10 rather than October 1.  Then, I just couldn't help myself, I measured my waist.  I have lost a full inch in my waist!!  Go me!!

Maybe I'm getting the endorphin rush after a good work out, but I am feeling strong after each workout.  I feel ripped and healthy.  I like the way I feel. I had some errands to run outside of the house today so I set out to do them feeling like I could conquer the world.  I had a spring in my step and an inch missing from my waist, and I was just getting started.

Imagine my surprise then, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while out on my errands.  There was a chubby lady looking back at me, not this lean and glorious, glowing with health and vitality woman I was on the inside.

It shook me.  I sat in the car for a while and processed it.  Well, I tried to process it.  I couldn't make that woman me.  I'm healthy and fit.  I rock the P90X.  Then I decided it didn't matter.  I have to live on the inside of me.  I like where I am on the inside.  The outside will just have to catch up.  I don't have time to worry about that.  I've got some living to do.

Major Improvement

Today as I did the P90X workout, I noticed marked improvement in my ability.  I was up to the modified workout almost the entire time.  There are a couple of moves that are going to take a little longer, but that is OK.  I got confirmation today that I can do it.  It felt great!!

My biggest obstacle now is eating enough food.  I'm following the fat shredder nutrition plan.  It is just more food that I'm used to eating.  I remember joking with a coworker some time ago.  She was nursing her new baby and said it was difficult to keep her calories up.  She, of course, was eating fresh fruit and vegetables and lean meats like we all should.  I laughed and told her she just wasn't trying hard enough and I could give her a few pointers.  Now, I understand her dilemma.

I'm making meals that fit with the plan and serving them to 65MD.  I haven't actually told him that he's eating according to the fat shredder plan but I suspect he knows.  We eat the same thing and he knows what I'm doing.  He has been totally fine with everything I've made so far and I am having a blast making real food for us.  I'm not controlling his portions as I am mine.  He doesn't have the same weight problem I do. This is the way we should be eating anyway.

Yesterday, I decided to make some whole wheat bread for us.  I opted for a recipe that still had a little white flour in it.  It was about 3/4 whole wheat to 1/4 white.  For 65MD's sake, I thought I should ease in to it.  Whole wheat flour has a stronger taste to me, and I didn't want to put him off since he has been so supportive. 

The bread turned out great.  I had my allotted one piece.  He ate three and made himself stop saying he could eat the whole pan.  I asked him then what he thought of the stronger taste and he said he liked it.  I told him about the second recipe and my thinking that we should work up to it.  He said to go for it.  So, as soon as we eat the rest of the bread from yesterday.  I'm on to the full whole wheat recipe.  Stay tuned to see how that turns out.

Monday Mileage

I have 707 miles for the year.  I thought I never get through that 700 mile barrier. The 600's seemed to take forever.  Funny how that happens sometimes.

I'm learning more and more that any idea I had of physical fitness was a delusion.  I'm doing my best with the P90X.  It is hard not to get discouraged.  I am only a week in, so I'm not throwing in the towel just yet.  I have got to give myself at least a month to see if I improve at all.  I think I will and I think that will give me the strength to forge ahead.

It has turned cold and is rainy here.  It doesn't do much for my desire to work out.  The weekend was just crazy.  Funny thing, I was expecting a calm, relaxing weekend and those are two of the last words I'd choose to describe it!  I missed two workouts but I was right back with it today.

The old me would have quit already.  The old me would have turned off the yoga about two minutes in and cried.  I've already confessed that I was close to tears, but I did not quit.  The old me would have decided that it was useless to continue if I missed one, much less two workouts.  I no longer had 'perfect attendance' so what was the use.

No more.  Now, I'm struggling and clawing my way out of this pit I've dug for myself.  If I don't things will only get worse.  I won't let that happen!  It is my choice to make, will I be fitter in 30 days or fatter?  I've already decided fitter, now to make it happen.

Conversations with 65MD

For my new readers, 65MD is my husband.  He asked for privacy's sake to be called '65 Mustang Driver on my blog.  While I wanted to respect his privacy, I did not want to type out that whole long moniker every time I referred to him, so we agreed on 65MD.  It adds an air of mystery to him, which is hilarious to me.

He has been a tremendous support for me all through this journey.  He needs to lose 20 or so pounds but has never struggled with his weight the way I have.  Still, he has been as helpful as he could be.  This is a journey that is often walked alone.  At least for me it has been since the battle is more between the ears than anywhere else.

He considered doing P90X with me but has decided not to.  I think it is a wise decision on his part. He has arthritis in his knees which is a hereditary condition and this high impact stuff won't help it.  He is still totally on board with me doing so.  This is how I know:

We were out the other night and stopped to get gas in the car.  As I sat there, I noticed domed drink lids, which are the hallmark of Icees, my favorite summertime drink.  There is nothing better on a hot summer day.  When 65MD got back in the car, I pointed at them and said I thought they had Icees here.  He said I didn't really want one, and I agreed.  I pointed out that it was a little cooler and I didn't want to drink anything that cold now.  He said that the reason I didn't want one was because I didn't want to ruin all my hard work.  He was right!  I'd been telling myself the very same thing and not just with Icees.

Secondly, I've struggled with the workouts.  Even the lean workout is grueling.  I'm sore.  Although I'm alone in the house, except for the dog, I am embarrassed by my lack of ability.  All those horrible memories of PE and gym come flooding back.  I was close to tears before this morning's routine was complete.  I emailed him and told him how I was feeling.  He sympathized and then gave me words of encouragement.  He gave me the will to continue.  He's fighting right along with me.

He loves me no matter what my size.  He's told me repeatedly that he wished I could make peace with my weight.  I know, however that I need to be healthier.  He understands that and keeps me going.  I need it.  I'll need it a lot more.  This could be a very long 90 days.

It Ain't Pretty!

I have such mixed emotions right now.  I'm not sure I can articulate it well.  I'm feeling two extremes about the P90X and where I am now physically.

On the one hand I'm ready to go.  I feel strong and capable.  I don't like what I let happened but I'm not using that as an excuse.  It will be far worse to still be in this shape or worse next week, next month or next year.  I am where I am, so that is where I'm starting.  I feel so good after and even during those grueling work outs, but then those mixed emotions start popping up.

I can't keep up.  I have no delusions about being buff like the leaders on the DVD.  I think that is fine.  I'll be there eventually.  Then I start thinking about how horrible it is that I can only do one ab shredder for every three they do and then I'm done after about 5.  I pull myself back by telling myself that I will be better next time.  If I get a little better each time, I'll easily keep up. 

Once again, I feel strong and capable.  Then I look at the pictures below.  I am so embarrassed by them.  A part of me wishes I had not taken them.  I think I'll be glad in the long run so I'm posting them.  Clearly, the woman in those photos is not the buff image on the screen.  I'm OK with that.  She's not even the strong, capable image I have in my head.  This woman is fat!

I don't want to believe she is me.  Then I get ashamed.  I tell myself not to wallow there.  It is bad that it happened but it did.  The important thing is that I'm working to improve myself.  I feel better.  Then I try to stand from a sitting position and my quads and gluts scream.  I'm sad that my body is so out of shape that I have the aches and pains.  I tell myself this won't last forever and that I should be proud that I'm doing something to improve myself. I'm good; I'm bad.  I'm strong: I'm soft.  I'm fat; I'm fit.  Round and round I go. I'm getting dizzy.  And, I'm getting better.

The P90X recommends 6 shots.  65MD took all of them, but I'm just sharing these for now.

Crash, Burn and Get UP!

Yesterday I began P90X.  A few short years or even months ago that would have been unfathomable.  Now, it is just simply crazy.  But, I forge ahead.  I have opted to eat according to the "Fat Shredder" nutrition guide and do the "Lean" workout.

The nutrition is much like I eat already, but with a few more options and a little more food.  I'm going to have to be careful about measuring to be sure.  I think that I'll be eating more food though.  That's fine with me.  It will be good, healthy food, not more cookies and ice cream.  The workouts are insane and I'm not going to ruin that with bad fuel for my body. 

Yesterday, I decided to wait to do the first workout with 65MD after he got home from work.  Sadly, he came home sick.  I think he picked up a little bug on our trip.  When he said he needed to lay down when he got home, I knew it was the real deal.  This man does not admit illness unless he has to.  He encouraged me to go ahead.  He even helped get the equipment together for me before departing to the other room to rest.

I popped in the DVD and got busy with the warm up.  It was harder that some 'workouts' I've done.  About 5 minutes in, there was a quad stretch.  Nothing too insane, just bending the knee, grabbing the foot from behind and stretching.  I've done this countless times.  It is for me, a nice easy stretch.  I bent my right knee and had my heel up at my tush.  As I reached with my hand to grab my foot and pull, there was an explosion in my thigh.  It really felt like a bullet had hit me right in the center of my thigh.  I cried out in pain and fell, yes fell, to the ground in extreme pain.

I caused such a commotion that 65MD rushed in to see if he needed to call 911.  I stayed in the floor for a bit and then crawled, literally crawled up in to the chair.  65MD was hovering to make sure no new injuries happened.  After resting in the chair for a bit, I decided to walk it out.  I send 65MD back to bed and paced through the house.  OK, initially, I hobbled through the house using furniture to hold myself up.  As I continued I was able to walk more upright and then like nothing had happened.  It was odd and scary enough that I did not finish the workout.  I put it away for the evening.

I was a little concerned about soreness this morning and that I might have to delay the workout a day or to but not once did I think of chucking it.  Not once did I tell myself that I was to old, fat, out of shape, etc to do it. 

This morning, I got up with no soreness at all and did the full workout.  I know without a doubt I will be sore in the morning.  Intense does not even begin to describe this workout.  I did the modified version and had to modify it a bit more.  That is OK.  I have a goal.  I can work up to it.  I will work up to it.  During the work out, I relished the sweat and was even disappointed that I didn't sweat more.  When it got tough, I never thought of quitting.  I thought of how good I was going to look both in my clothes and out of them!  I thought about how I would be able to go to Colonial Williamsburg and walk all day without naproxen.

 This is a serious commitment.  It is 90 days of one hour work outs with only one day off per week.  I will see it through.  In January, I'll decide if I want to do it again on the next level up.  Right now, I am doing the best I can and I will continue to.

BTW, the pictures didn't happen last night because 65MD wasn't quite up to it.  He's better already and I'll get him to take the pics tonight.

My Personal Challenge

65MD and I have just returned from a few days in Colonial Williamsburg.  It was a nice break from our daily routines.  He was attending a conference so he didn't get quite the break that I did.  Regardless, it was a nice time and I had some triumphs and perhaps an insight or two.

Colonial Williamsburg is set in the 1770's.  The individuals working there dress and speak as they did during that time period. Even the food served on sight is supposed to be similar.  Before we left, I had given myself permission to eat whatever I wanted while on site.  I didn't want to agonize about how many calories, carbs or fat grams a particular offering had especially if I wasn't quite sure what the food item was!  I got over that during the first meal.  It was dry and just not very tasty.  I gave it another chance because I could have made a bad choice, or the tavern could have been having a bad time.  The second meal was almost as bad as the first, so I gladly let that notion go.

Sadly, it was still difficult to find good options even with the more modern food offerings.  I just made the best choices I could at the moment and not once did I obsess over it.  I just ate and moved on.  In fact, I sort of like the way I'm eating right now.  I know I still need to cut down on the amounts and I'm still letting myself have too many carbs.  On the whole, however, I think I have the basis for a good, healthy way of eating with just a few tweaks here and there.

Since CW is set in the 1770's it is totally pedestrian.  I set a personal best with 22,314 steps in one day!  My previous record was at the beach in April with 20,202 steps. I freely admit that naproxen was involved.  I was a little stiff the next morning but got over that quickly enough.  That let 65MD and me to a discussion regarding fitness.  We agreed that we both needed to be more fit.  We agreed that our biggest health concern was not food, but exercise.  That conversation led us to the decision to try P90X.

I got it today.  I have yet to read through all of the information that came with it, but I will.  My plan is to start today.  It is a 90 day program.  That is perfect timing for the last quarter of the year.  A friend IRL told me I'd feel like I was dying for about 3 days and then I'd be fine.  Be forewarned, I could be moaning and groaning for a few days.  I'll gladly moan and groan if it gets the rest of the weight off.

I've taken all of my measurements and I'll have 65MD take some before shots.  I'll get those posted on the sidebar.  I'll take 30 day progress pics, so we can all watch me shrink.  I'm excited.  I think this is just the thing for which I was I was searching!

Early Report

I have a full day scheduled tomorrow and then I'll be out of town for a few days.  This may be my only chance to blog this week.  Since my last few posts have been quite real and quite harsh, I didn't want to just disappear and maybe leave the impression things were worse.  They aren't.  They aren't more than just marginally better statistically speaking.

In terms of what can be measured like weight, inches or even miles, not a whole lot has changed.  I haven't lost any more ground, but haven't made great strides forward either.  That's OK.  I'm a little tired of the wild ride, I'm much rather make slow and steady progress in the right direction.

As of right now, I have 664 miles towards the 1000 mile goal for the year.  This is good walking weather and 65MD wants to participate.  I hope in the next several weeks, before it gets too cold for me to really push that mileage up.  I'll be happy whatever happens as long as I know I did what I could.

I weigh 203 even as of this morning.  I was down to 202.4 yesterday.  That has been my low weight for a few weeks now.  Oddly, I had a horrible stomach ache all afternoon and evening yesterday.  I couldn't eat supper.  I was a little surprised by the tick up, but fully expect it to go back down.  My tummy is better now.  I have no idea what caused the issue yesterday.  Oh well.

The biggest and best change for me has been between the ears.  I feel much lighter in my head and in my heart.  I burned the letter on Friday.  I got this wild idea to burn the letter and flush the ashes.  It seemed quite symbolic.  Then as I held the burning paper over the toilet, I had another symbolic idea.  I decided to pee on them before I flushed them.  It was a very freeing experience for me.

Obviously, once the little ritual was over, I was still 200+ pounds and the relationship was still what it was, but that didn't matter so much anymore.  I couldn't believe how much that anger was weighing me down.  Probably more than the anger was the denial that the anger was there, was weighing heavy on my heart.  Thanks to Timothy, I'm working on mantras and positive self talk.  Now I tell myself things like "Anger has no home here."  "Anger does not live here." "Anger is not welcome here." I know that this will take some time, but I'm committed.  I don't like being angry.  I like myself much better without the internal scowl.

I'm also thinking of other things I need to write down, burn and pee on! 

Breaking Through

I have finally admitted to myself that I have an issue with anger due to a long standing relationship.  I have known on a certain level that this relationship was not healthy.  For most of the relationship, I would accept the negative things said to me and about me as true.  At some point, however, I realized that they were not.  I began to push back and say that I didn't believe those things, and I didn't think that they did either.  Initially, I got begrudging agreement, and the negative comments are fewer now.

Obviously, this is a relationship I want to heal rather than sever.  I believe that the relationship is better now.  My problem is not so much what is happening now as what happened in the past.  I think I would lose the progress we've made if I suddenly brought up a litany of hurts to this person.  I think that on some level this person did not realize how I was internalizing things.  A confrontation on any level would likely only create fresh wounds and reopen the fragile scars from the past.

Instead, I have written a letter to this person.  It will never be mailed.  I envision burning it at some point in time.  Destroying it will be symbolic of those pains of the past being destroyed.

While I think this is a sign of progress, I'm not so naive as to think that this is the end of it.  I recognize that I have treated others badly.  I have treated others in the same way I was treated.  I need to heal the hurts I've caused others.  This, of course, gives me sympathy towards the individual described above.  That person was probably the recipient of similar treatment and passed it on to me.

For both of us, this is not the sum of our existence or even the majority of it.  Most people that know this person would be appalled to learn what I know.  Once I burn the letter, that will be the end of those hard memories and I will choose to focus on the positive.

Thanks for standing with me in this.  This is far from the end of the road.  In fact, it is just the beginning. I know that once I open myself to recognizing the hurts, I'll see others that I had no idea existed.  This could be a long road and for sure a hard one.  It will be worth it to get to my goal.

Pondering

*Disclaimer* I haven't blogged in over a week because I just haven't been able to put together anything that is remotely coherent.  The following is largely unedited (only spellchecked) because I needed to get it out.  I've started several posts, read them and then deleted them.  I know if I don't do something to move forward, I won't.  It is OK to stop reading if it makes no sense.  That isn't what is important to me now.

I am in a time of deep introspection.  I don't like it.  I know that if I not only allow it, but lean in to it, I'll get some good insights.  I'll find those hidden issues that need to be addressed.  Denial runs deep in this chick, probably stemming from perfectionism.  It is just no fun admitting fallacy.  It is even harder to admit in a somewhat public venue like this. (Last time I looked I only had 80 followers and got less than 20 hits a day, so this is really far from public!)

Still I don't like it.  I don't like letting myself and my friends down.  When I started this blog, I had dropped a significant amount of weight and was in a good place.  I felt like my goal weight was just months away rather than years and is still so elusive.  BUT, I started this blog as a way to help others.  I knew there were other people out there struggling.  I wanted very much to help.  It wasn't an ego thing, but a pay it forward thing.  I wanted to spare people some of the trials I'd been through on my journey down the scales.  I shake my head in wonder now.

Now I am the one screaming for help.   I am the one searching the dark corners of my heart, looking for the key to lasting change.  I am the one in the hole, clawing to get out.  HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN????????????????  How did I gain 40 pounds since April?  I was less than 20 pounds away from my goal.  Now I'm back over 200.  Something is wrong.  Something is very wrong and I'm afraid of it.  I'm afraid that I'll never be able to defeat it.  Whatever 'it' is.

I need help and I don't like it.  I don't like it.  I don't like feeling out of control.  I don't like feeling vulnerable.  I am the helper.  I am the one that lifts others up.  It is in my nature to encourage others.  I'm not used to being the one needing encouragement.  I don't know what to do.

I'm Discouraged

I had a very hard week last week.  I am so discouraged.  I feel like I'm doing what needs to be done to lose weight, but I'm not seeing the results I think I should.  Last week, I rebelled.  I knew then that I'd be even more unhappy today than I was last week, but I just could not muster the strength to do what I knew to be right.

Let me be clear about my week.  I did NOT binge or do anything outrageous with my eating.  I simply ate what I wanted to, when I wanted to, in amounts that I wanted to.  I kept a food journal and really, I did not eat horribly.  I don't keep sweets in the house, and I'm not the type to go out and buy something to eat.  Several times, however, I ate more than I should because it was there.

I continued to wear my pedometer all of the time, but did not take a walk.  All of the steps I had were steps I take during the normal course of my day.  I just could not get up the desire.  It seemed so pointless.  Only one day did I get over 10,000 steps.  Most days it was around 5000.

The only 'good' thing I did was continue to drink water.  Mostly because that was my only choice at home.  There were no epic battles of should I drink this or not.  When I got thirsty, I drank water.  I want the water so it is not hard to get in 64+ ounces every day.  Most days it is far closer to 100 if not more.

I want eating and exercise to be like the water is for me, but it isn't.  Truth be told, I would not care if I was told I could never eat another green vegetable.  (That is of course, if I didn't have to suffer the consequences!)  I'm not to the point where I think I'm hungry and I automatically reach for something healthy and nourishing.  I reach for what is handy and quick. 

I want exercise to be something I miss when I can't.  Instead, I'm perfectly content to sit at the laptop and see what is happening on facebook, or surf the 'net, or see what is on the food channel.  I don' t miss exercise.  It is an evil necessity for weight loss still in my estimation.

I spent a lot of time this week trying to figure out why I had not been able to maintain my 92 pound weight loss.  I recognize that I felt much better physically and mentally then.  I tried to figure out why it wasn't important enough to me that I let it slip away.  Why is it, that I refuse to recognize the link between healthy eating and exercise with feeling good and weight loss?  How was I able to lose the weight then and can't know?

The short answer is I don't know for sure.  One thing I did finally realize is that initially, I had a purpose.  Initially, I HAD to lose weight in order to skydive.  Now, apparently, it isn't that important.  I need to figure out how to capture that desire again; how to find that inner resolve and determination that led me through those days. That is where I am now.

I guess these times of introspection are good and needed.  I sure don't like them very much.

I have walked 640 miles this year and weigh 202.4.  And, I'm bummed.

Eating the right food is one of the most difficult things to concur when trying to lose weight. An experienced dietician can help you put together a diet plan which you can work towards to help with weight loss. There are a number of dieticians which can be found at one of the local private hospitals in London.

Monday Mileage

I have walked 626 miles so far this year.  Not too shabby.  I have 374 left to get during the last four months of the year.  It is a pretty tall order.  I may or may not make it but one thing  I know for sure, I will have logged far more miles if I had not accepted this challenge.

I had a good week and am still learning how to manage my time.  I had several days in which I thought, "this is how I thought it would be" so I am very pleased.   I learned that if I keep my shoes on, I'm much more apt to take a quick stroll around the yard than I am if I have to take the time to put my shoes on.  I know that seems silly, but oh well.  It works for me.

I think for the next few weeks, for as long as I need to and think it is helpful, I'll post my weight along with my mileage each Monday.  I've not focused much on the number trying to concentrate on good food choices, walking and water, knowing that the scales would eventually follow.  Let's face it though I wouldn't be thinking about food, walking and water if I wasn't trying to lose weight.  Heck, I wouldn't be blogging. 

I'm also going to post my total pounds lost.  I'm letting go of the fact that I had been quite a few pounds lighter just a few short months ago.  That little fact has been gnawing at me and I've spent too much time being upset about it.  I can't change it by being upset about it, but I can change what happens next time I lose those pounds.

For the record, I weigh 198.4,which is a total loss of 56 pounds.

Have a happy Labor Day, everyone.