Merry Christmas

Just a quick pop in to wish everyone the happiest of holidays!

Wednesday Weigh-in and Waist Measures

Apparently, I am rehydrated because as it stands now,  I have lost one pound since last week.  Quite frankly, I am thrilled.  I'd love it if I could consistently lose a pound a week.  I hope this is real.  I hope this is my actual weight, and I don't have more rehydration coming.

My waist measures are down two inches from last week, but I was bloated then.  That is when the whole stomach drama started in my family.

Since December 3, when I started the whole waist measuring in tandem with the scales.  I have lost 1.2 pounds and 0.75 inches.  I'm glad that things are moving in the right direction.  I'll take slow and steady any day if it means the weight will stay off.

I'm hoping next week will give me a clearer picture of how I am really doing.

Guaranteed Rapid Weight Loss!

I bet that title will get me a lot of hits today!!  I have found the way to lose a lot of weight very quickly.  Get a stomach bug that lasts for 4 days.  Yes that is 4 (four) days!  It might also help if the bug is given to individuals in the family as well, I'm not sure about that part.  LOL!  I was sick for four days and lost three pounds.  Pretty good results.  My appetite has not fully returned, so I've actually kept it off.

I was sick from Wednesday through Saturday.  65MD and my pregnant niece came down with it on Saturday.  He recovered in about 24 hours.  She wound up in the hospital with dehydration.  She was better in about 48 hours.We had some fears that this would be the Family Christmas Epidemic of 2014, but so far no one else has succumbed.

I'll record my weight and waist measures tomorrow as planned, although there will be another great big asterisk beside this week as well.  Of course, the next week is Christmas Eve, but I am determined not to use that as an excuse to allow a weight gain.  I am not going to throw in the towel and eat up until January 1.  That will only make things worse on January 1.

Wednesday Weigh-in & Waist Measures

I woke up with a major stomach issue this morning.  I'm not sure what it is all about.  I'm not sick as though I have the stomach flu.  I am able to be up and about, but I can't be too far from the bathroom.

I'm bloated and I feel it.

My weight is the same from last week and my measures are up a bit.  I'm putting a big asterisk by these measure because I don't think they are real.

This is getting frustrating for me.  It seems that a lot of the bloggers that I follow are having a hard time seeing results.  It seems that we are all struggling to stay on plan. Even with extreme determination and the memories of feeling good at a healthier weight, none of us can actually get any momentum.

I am strongly considering going back to the hcg.  I had just started it again this summer when I stopped because of the impending surgery.  I've still got it, and had planned to use it to get those last 10 or so pounds off at the end my my journey.  Now, I'm thinking use it now to get the ball rolling again.

It shouldn't be this hard!

It's Working!

I can't quite believe it but this relaxed CAN do thing seems to be working.  I don't want to get too excited and get disappointed, yet my weight has actually ticked down.

It had been steadily going up, so while I'm glad the momentum seems to be shifting, I won't call it a complete success until I get below my pre-surgery weight.

I'll give a full report on weight and waist measures on Wednesday.  Hopefully, it will still be good news.

Quick Update

Both of my sisters have Fitbit devices that are worn.  Only we can't be 'friends' with my older sister because she has an android and my sister and I have apple products.  Those of us with apples can't truly sync because I have an iPod, my sister has an iPad and my niece has and iPhone.  This is crazy.

For me at least, it seems to be working.  Time will tell.

Wednesday Weigh In & Waist Measurements on Thursday

My day got away from me yesterday and it is likely to happen more and more as the holidays and year end approach.  That's OK with me.  I have a good life and if the worst that happens is I post results a day late, I am fine with it.

I am so glad I ran across the article because my weight has gone up yet again.  However, my clothes are feeling looser and the measurements confirmed my suspicion.  I have lost 3 1/4 inches total from all three measures.  That is the best news for me since that is the 'combat zone' for my body.

I have been faithful with my therapy exercises.  While they are not designed for weight loss, they are designed for muscle strength.  That is my only explanation for yet another uptick on the scale.  The article bears this out.  The day I ate the most was Thanksgiving, of course, but it wasn't that much.  It has been a whole week since, so the damage should have been negated by now.  Muscle strengthening must be the cause of the uptick.

Still, as I mentioned in my last post, this soft pedal approach needs some tweaking.  (If I hadn't read and believed the article, I would have chucked the whole thing by now.)  I decided to enter my food intake in Fitbit.  (I have the free app but not the wrist device.)  It requires me to include portion size which I estimate.  I'm still not going to get in to a bunch of tedious weighing & measuring my food.  I know I'll drive myself insane wanting to be exact with the measurement.  Depending on what I eat, I know.  I can enter two crackers or one apple.  So, I think I am getting a fair assessment of my eating.

It appears that I am not taking in enough calories.  I knew that I was not getting enough vegetables, but those have so few calories increasing them won't help much.  Increasing protein will and I am glad to do that.

Another happy for me, is that my niece stopped by while I was entering my food and decided to download the app as well.  My sister already has the device and everything so my niece and I 'friended' her on the Fitbit and we're all working together.  Right now it is fun.  I'll enjoy it while it is, and stick it out when it isn't.

Here's to all of us getting the results we want. while enjoying the ride.

More Observations from My CAN Do Plan

I managed to keep up with my CAN Do goals during the long, festive, Thanksgiving weekend.  But when the goals are so loosey-goosey it isn't hard.

I've made two observations.

1.  I am triggered to overeat visually

2.  I tend to graze

There has been a lot of dessert around me lately and that is my nemesis.  I love sweets in just about any form:  cake, pie, cookies, brownies, candy, ice cream.  Love them all.  Within each category there are some I like more and some I don't like at all.  Pumpkin pie is one of the rare don't like items.  But that isn't what this post is about!!!

As much as I enjoy sweets, I hardly eat them.  I just don't buy them or bake them unless it is a special occasion, like Thanksgiving or a birthday.  I try to control things in those situations by only having one small serving of exactly what I want and then giving the rest away.  I did that again this time with the exception of some candy.

65MD had bought some high end dark chocolate for us to enjoy while we were at the cabin.  We did not eat it all while we were there.  When we unpacked, it was left out on the kitchen counter.  Every time I walked in to the kitchen it was there.  Every time I saw it I wanted some.  Several times, I actually ate some.  Finally, I realized that I couldn't continue to will myself not to eat it.  So, I put it in a drawer.

I explained to 65MD what I was doing and why.  He was fine with it, even though he doesn't have the same trigger.  The funny thing about it is, I put it in the drawer.  I know right where it is and can go get some any time I want.  Since it isn't in my face, I don't often think of it.  When I do, I tell myself I'll get it later and by then I've usually forgotten.  Whatever works, right??

Being visually triggered to overeat visually, leads to the tendency to graze.  Working from home, alone also adds to the issue.  I'll get busy on  a project and want to finish before I eat.  Then when I do decide to eat, I am famished and eat what is handy while I am preparing my meal.  That leads to eating too much as well.

I know that having quick and easy to prepare items will help, but what will help the most for me is setting a schedule.  As silly as it sounds, I have scheduled lunch on my calendar.  I really don't have deadlines that are so harsh that I can't take the time to eat.  It is simply a preference I have to finish something without interruption.

I'm hoping the continued fine tuning will help.  So far, it isn't working, not as far as weight loss is concerned.  I don't expect whopping losses with minimal effort, but I did hope to halt the giant leaps on the scales.  I would really like to find a way of eating that fits in to my lifestyle.  That way I'll keep on doing it, like my therapy.

I have finally managed to incorporate therapy in to my daily routine virtually every day.  I have three laying down exercises that I do before I get out of the bed.  Two standing up ones that I do while brushing my teeth.  The final one is steps and I manage to get it done by making an appointment on my calendar.  So, I think the lunch appointment will help too.

From reviewing my food logs, if I can stop the grazing I should see some loss on the scales.  My meals are good although more veggies wouldn't hurt!  I've been keeping the list on paper but I'm going to start entering them on my fitbit app to get a better idea of calorie count & nutrients.

I'll know more on Wednesday!

Wednesday Weigh-in & Waist Measure

My weight was up from last week as were all three waist measures.  I am not surprised.  We ate Mexican last night on a whim.  That is a lot of salt.  Salt = weight gain  and bloat.  At least I am proving the articles right.  LOL!!  I'd rather be proving it right by losing weight.  That's OK.  I know what happened.  And, I know what to do about it.  All I have got to do is just do it.

I'll be only dropping in here and there until early next week.  Family is here and I intend to enjoy their company.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!

My CAN Do Plan

I've been rocking right along with my CAN Do plan.  It isn't hard when there are really no standards to measure against.  :)

My three CAN do items are:

1.  Drink water

2.  Keep a food list

3.  Do therapy (6 exercises to do at home to continue to strengthen my right hip area)

These three things I've committed to do each day.  I have done each one successfully.  Sometimes I just drink one glass of water or write down what I've eaten hours afterwards.  It still counts since the goals are so broad.  

The scales have not responded.  Honestly, I didn't expect much.  I knew when I started this, that these would be baby steps in the right direction.  I knew that more steps of whatever size would still need to happen to see meaningful progress.  I have learned from the food lists that I really need to eat more vegetables.  Adding at least one vegetable per day is another small step forward.  I'll continue in this manner for as long as I need to.  It feels comfortable.

Sometimes, it feels a little too comfortable.  Sometimes, I get concerned that I'm fiddling while Rome burns.  We all know that the scales are not an accurate measure.  And until I ran across this article, the scales were all I had.  I encourage reading it as the author does a much better job of explaining those weight fluctuations than me.

Briefly, the article states that the fluctuations have to do with fluid/sodium intake or carb intake, among other factors including the cycles of the body.  It further states that in addition to the scales that three waist measures be taken:  one at the belly button, one two inches above the belly button and one two inches below it.  The measures in tandem with the scales show a more accurate picture of what is happening in the weight loss arena.  Read it.  There is also a chart at the bottom of the article suggesting how to make changes depending on the results.

So, as of today I am making Wednesday a weigh-in and waist measure day.  I'll report my progress each week and continue to take steps forward no matter how small. 

This is my new CAN Do list:

1.  Drink water

2.  Keep a food list and eat one vegetable each day

3.  Do therapy

4.  Weigh & measure on Wednesday

And Now a Word about Exercise

During the 6 weeks since surgery, I've probably worked harder physically than ever.  Three times per week every week, I saw a therapist who showed me what to do, how to do it and continually pushed for improvement.  That was just a small part of what I did.

I had daily exercises assigned by the therapist as well.  Initially, however, just getting out of the bed to go to the bathroom was a major work out.  Over time, that has diminished.  As it has, the intensity of the formal therapy increased.

Now the formal therapy is over.  I have 6 exercises to do at home every day.  I took a couple of workout DVD's to my therapist to see which ones to use going forward.  For now, neither.  She suggested that I watch any workout DVD with fresh eyes, looking for movements that might move my hip in a way I shouldn't just yet.  (Bellydance is out until all the hip precautions are removed, which could be 6 months.)

It is going to be harder now to stay motivated.  I want my hip to get well and be fully functional.  Still, I know in time as my hip feels more and more normal the motivation will wane to do those exercises.  My hope is, I'll be eager to move on to one of the DVDs.  Time will tell.

Just to update - I have driven the car in the parking lot enough to give 65MD comfort that I haven't forgotten how.  Today, I drive solo.  Slowly, slowly I am getting back to my former routines.  I still have discomfort in my hip and thigh.  And, my gait is not right, but then again, I don't think it was 'right' before surgery.

Not Much to Say

I've been drinking water and keeping a food log.  I've also been weighing but not recording it.  My weight will fluctuate as much as 2 pounds from one day to the next so I don't get freaked out about it.

It is too early to draw any real conclusions to the food log experiment, but I've got some theories already.  

• I'm not sure that I am eating enough, particularly vegetables
• I have skipped eating some 'bad' stuff because I don't want to write it down

If those things prove to be true in the long run.  I'll know what modifications to make.

Another CAN Do Item

I'm doing much better with the water since I got a lot of helpful tips from my readers.  The best thing about drinking water is not tracking it!  If something happens, and I don't get with it first thing in the morning, I don't feel like I've blown it and give up.  I simply go get some water and drink it.

I haven't been nearly as well with the low carb eating.  Committing to eat low carb was a knee jerk reaction from seeing my behind accidentally.  I thought I was doing well by making that declaration rather than saying I was never going to eat again, or eat only on Tuesdays or some other irrational, unsustainable plan.

Even with my more moderate stance, I knew I really needed to get my head in the game.  I just haven't.  The home delivered meals have stopped, but we still have tons of leftovers.  It is all good food.  It isn't like people have been bringing over boxes of donuts or ice cream. Most people have brought one dish meals like lasagna or meat & veggie meals, or soup/chili.  One person even brought us salad!  A couple of people brought brownies and one person brought a chocolate pie.

To me, that is all reasonable food.  It is the sort of food that people without weight issues eat and move on.  I perceive that is what I am doing too.  But, when I made a declaration to eat low carb, it eliminated most of the food in my house right now!

Rather than try and force myself in to a plan that isn't going to work right now, I decided to figure out what I CAN do.  I don't want to feel bad about myself and the choices I make (or screw ups) and let that dictate how I feel about myself and my body.  I'm not mentally tough enough right now.

What I CAN do, is write down what I eat.  I am simply making a list of it.  I am not weighing, measuring, counting calories, fat grams or carbs.  I am writing it down.  That is all.  (I'm also writing down the time I eat.)  I'm thinking in time, I'll have a better idea of my eating patterns and where to make changes.  Small changes in the right direction.  No more wholesale, none of this or all of that.

My mother lists her food.  She insists that it helps keep her in check because sometimes she doesn't want to write down that she ate this or that so she doesn't eat it!  I should be so lucky.

Today, there are two things I CAN do to move along the road to better health:

1.  Drink water

2.  List my food

That is what I WILL do.

For the record, this is the last week of physical therapy.  I hope to be driving by the end of the week. :)  

Why I Blog

I blog because my readers are much smarter than me and have great ideas.  Not to mention the encouragement I get when I confess a screw up.

In a previous post I confessed that I hadn't been on the water bandwagon as I had hoped because it was cold.  Deniz suggested warm water with lemon, or even tart cherry juice with warm water.  That triggered a memory for me.  My mother used to drink 8 oz of warm water with lemon every morning.  I don't remember the health benefit, but that doesn't matter.  I knew it wouldn't hurt.

So, this morning I diluted 1 ounce of tart cherry juice in 7 ounces of water and then added another 1/2 ounce of lemon juice.  I heated that and had a sip.  I fully expected to have to sweeten it some way because the cherry juice is indeed tart and the extra lemon just might pucker my cheeks for life.  

I had a sip first because I wanted to have it as pure as possible.  I didn't want to add honey because that would add another layer of flavor and I wasn't sure what other sweeteners were in the house besides sugar.  I forged ahead with a sip.

Much to my surprise it was not too sour at all.  (Of course I am a person that eats dill pickles and mustard!)  In fact, it was quite enjoyable.  I liked the warmth of it as well.  It heated me from the inside.  This is something that I definitely want to keep.  It would be nice if a health benefit pops up, but just getting an extra 8 ounces of water down, is a good thing.

An Accidental Glimpse

I've done it more times that I can count; walk by a mirror or window and see my reflection unintentionally.  It can be sort of fun, when the weight is slipping off and the reflection is better than anticipated.  It can be alarming and frustrating when what is seen is worse. The second happened to me this morning.

I am wearing what I call "Old Lady Pants."  They are stretchy elastic waist pants that probably are not flattering on any body type.  The OLP's are a step up from 5 weeks ago when I refused to wear anything below the waist.  Then I upgraded to a giant pair of gym shorts that 65MD owned.  The goal being, nothing, and I mean nothing touch that incision. Yesterday, I graduated to OLP's.  This morning, I even managed to find a top that matched.

The incision has healed nicely and thanks to vitamin E the scar is diminishing.  I had walking in to the bathroom to toss the vitamin E 'shells' into the trash, when I got a glimpse of my behind.  I think I actually gasped audibly.  That thing is HUGE!!

It is time for action.  No more, "Poor, pitiful me, I just had major surgery!"  That time is gone.  Today has got to be the day I draw the line in the sand and actually do something.  It will have to be low carb because, I don't have what I need for Trim Healthy Mama.  It is OK, it is an easy transition from low carb to THM should I decide to do it.

I got a harsh return to reality.  I needed it.  If I can keep that image burned into my memory, I'll never overeat again! 

Bits & Pieces

I don't have enough to say on one topic to actually make a blog post, but I do have a several tidbits that might be of interest.

1.  I blew it with the water this weekend.  It turned COLD here and I just can't drink cold water when I am cold.  Plus, I had the busiest weekend since surgery.  The level of busy is not nearly up to normal people busy.  Still, it was a lot for me.  And I know this is TMI, but I need a toilet raiser still and so I avoided drinking anything before going some place so that I would not have to figure out how to pee while I was in public!  Folks, that is just a reality of life that is not often discussed but still true.

2.  I am not eating according to any set plan just yet.  Friends and family are still bringing food and it is still quite welcome.  I'm much stronger but still need lots of rest.  Plus I am still going to therapy three days per week, and taking pain meds.  BTW, therapy will end next week, and I've weaned back to one pain pill at night to help me rest.

3.  I have started weighing most days.  Since I'm not actually following a plan, I am not recording it.  It fluctuates as much as two pounds from one day to the next.  It is the same pounds up and down so I think that it is just the natural rhythm of my body and it's fluids.  I'd still like to break through and move on down the scales.  I'll gladly take staying flat for now.  I haven't decided yet if I will record it monthly, weekly or some other interval, if at all.

4.  Anyone have any experience with tart cherry juice?  I've heard how it will cure whatever ails a body, including healing ligaments & muscles after joint replacement surgery.  A friend IRL said a friend of his had hip replacement, drank an ounce each day and two weeks later was healed.  I am wondering if anyone else out there has had a similar experience.  I started on it Sunday and so far haven't felt any thing extra special.  At this point, it would be hard to know if the juice aided or if I'd be feeling this good without it.  I am considering keeping it in my diet long term.  I prefer my friend both blog and IRL share stories rather than finding random postings on the Internet.  Who knows if those are legit?

5.  I am considering what plan to follow when I do feel strong enough to tackle something.  It is down to Trim Healthy Mama through the end of the year or just low carb.  I have some hcg.  It requires at least three weeks of strict adherence which won't be doable until the first of the year.  I'm hoping that I'll be successful enough with THM or whatever I choose to stay with it and save the hcg to get those last few stubborn pounds off.  Right now, we have a beach trip planned for late April.  I'd like to feel strong and healthy enough to walk along the beach in a new swimsuit.  (65MD has decided I need a new one!)

6.  I keep getting advice on what to expect along this healing journey.  I love it.  I love knowing that I am not alone, even if my benchmarks are a little different.  A friend told me yesterday that her mother felt like it took her a full 6 months to feel normal again.  That took such a burden off of my shoulders that I actually cried tears of joy.  Six months is a long time to feel bad, but I've already got 5 weeks under my belt.  That just leaves 4 and 3/4 more months.  I should be feeling great by our beach trip.

I know this is just a bunch of disjointed thoughts.  I wanted to keep in touch especially since blogger has been doing something wonky and my reading list only comes up when it feels like it, so I haven't been able to comment like I want to.  I'm still here.  No worries!

What I CAN Do

One month ago today, I got new hardware implanted in my right hip and embarked upon the hardest chapter in my life physically.  Even though I thought I had educated myself on what to expect, I was quite far off the mark.  I don't know how people do this a second time for the other hip and hip is the 'easy' one compared to knees.  I shudder just thinking about it.  

I came home from the hospital with a list of "Don'ts" like don't drive, don't bend past 90 degrees, don't cross the newly replaced hip leg over the mid-line of your body, don't turn toes inward, don't take a bath, don't lay on the surgical side, don't, don't don't.  At that time, I didn't care.  Why did I need to drive?  I was worried about walking to the bathroom.  Forget about driving!!

As I have healed, I have shed a restriction or two.  But all of those listed about remain.  Most will remain for 6 months!  (Except the driving, and that is the one I'm most happy NOT to do.  I hate driving!)  I know it is going to be harder and harder as I feel better and better not to forget and bend past 90 degrees or roll onto my right side in my sleep.  I could let these "Don'ts" consume me.  Instead, I am trying to think of what I can DO.

I can still work several hours per day since I work from home.  I can walk anywhere I want to in the house, and I'm getting better at stairs.  I can dress myself all but tying my shoes. Most importantly, I am learning to pace myself and live without scheduling every moment of my life.  Still, I want to move forward in the weight loss arena too.

When I first came home I was suffering horrible digestive issues which were a very common side effect to the pain meds.  My appetite was incredibly small.  And I wanted blueberries and orange juice.  I felt like I couldn't get enough but there is still at least 1/2 gallon of OJ in the refrigerator now, so I only drank less than 1/2 gallon since 65MD had some as well.  I felt like those were good choices.  I felt like there must be something in blueberries that my body needed to heal.  I went with it.

In addition to the diminished capacity & appetite, friends and family were bringing over food regularly.  It was great, especially for 65MD since it was one last thing he had to think about.  That took away my choices as to fat/carbs/calories but I didn't care, especially since I was eating so little.  Now the food is mostly gone.  I think there is about one bowl of soup left.  It is time to figure out what I can DO to get back on the weight loss train.

I don't want to look back at this time and feel like I wasted an opportunity to lose weight. ( I'll confess here, that I had hoped that the weight would just fall off while I was so sick but it didn't!)  I don't have the mental toughness now to fully engage in a weight loss plan.  Physically, I can only do therapy.  (Which I'd also hoped would help with the pounds!)  So, with inspiration from Holly at 300 pounds down I realized that I don't have to embark on an all out attack.  I can do one thing and it can be a very small thing.  All that matters is I do it, and I do it consistently.

I picked drinking water.  On Tuesday, I had this epiphany. I started drinking water.  I'm not counting ounces or glasses, I'm just opting for water during the day as my drink of choice.  It feels good.  It feels like I am taking control of my body again!

I weighed this morning.  I've lost 2.2 pounds since surgery.  I haven't decided what I am going to do about weighing or goal setting, other than giving myself a great big break.  If, when I weigh, whenever that is, the scales are down, that is all I want.  If between now and November 30, I lose another 2.2 pounds, I'll be thrilled.  Right now, I'm just drinking water.  That is all, drinking water.

Getting Stronger

I'm here and getting better every day.  However, now I have a fuller understanding of what "getting better" means to someone that has had major surgery.  It certainly doesn't mean "well."

I feel fairly good in the middle of the day and I see now that my challenge will be pacing myself.  Twice now, I've felt good enough to start something like laundry and then not be able to finish it!

I'm learning that I can live just fine without a plan.  I like to plan.  I like a schedule.  I find a lot of comfort in knowing what is coming next and what is expected of me.  I haven't had that for a month and may not for a while longer.  It is an unexpected growth experience for me.

My last therapy appointment is today.  I see the surgeon on Wednesday.  He will decide if I need more therapy, if I can start driving again, etc.  My therapist said she expects him to order more sessions.

While I am improving, I am not hitting the benchmarks I should with walking.  (See the first paragraph.  :))  The problem with my hip was congenital.  So, I've been walking the best way I could for a very long time!  Now that I have a hip that functions properly, I am having to learn how to use it.  I know what to do and it is much better when I actually do it.  It takes a lot of concentration to  swing my leg from my hip and not swing my body forward.

I'll get there because I am motivated.  It looks like it is going to take longer than I want, but I will still get there.  

Maybe there is an application to weight loss here...hmmm...

Still Here

Still healing.   This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  At least I am getting better everyday.

I Weighed This Morning

I decided to weigh this morning for a couple of reasons.  Thinking that the number would be meaningless and I'd move on and not think of it any more.  I'm still thinking about it, so I am blogging about it.

First, why did I decide to weigh to begin with?  Yesterday as I got dressed for PT, I felt like the t-shirt I put on seemed loose.  I didn't get too worked up about it because I'd chosen that particular shirt because it was loose and that is important right now.  It seemed looser, but not so much that I could be sure.  Plus, my memory could have been faulty and sometimes it is just hard to tell with t-shirts.

I know that I have eaten very little since surgery.  I had in mind to do a 'relaxed' low carb style of eating especially since my blood sugar got all wonky after surgery.  I thought, I'd eat mostly protein & veggies, but not get freaked out about a potato or banana along the way.  Little did I know, that I'd hardly be able to eat anything protein, carb or fat!!

Last night as 65MD and I were eating, he said something about me losing lots of weight, since I was hardly eating.  I countered with, my body doesn't need much because I'm not moving much.  He thought, I was discounting how hard my body is working to heal itself.  He's probably right, since I have no idea how this sort of trauma would effect my body.  I have not lived through something like this before.  I haven't even had a baby,  I would be very glad for my metabolism to be kicked in to overdrive.

Anyway, this morning when I got up, I thought it wouldn't hurt anything to step on the scale and see what happened.  I was down one pound exactly.  I really don't know what to make of it.

I'm glad of course. Who wouldn't be?  It seems the least I could get after all I have been through.

Then, I began to wonder about all of the swelling in my right leg.  The skin is hard and tight.  There is a lot of fluid there.  What does that weigh?  Another pound?  Maybe even 5?  Water is heavy!!  Then, there is the whole pooping thing.  I've only gone once in spite of a steady diet of prunes!!  I'm beginning to feel a little bloated in my belly.  Does that count?  Should I adjust for that?  Surely, that is another pound or two.  Round and round my thoughts swirl.

Really, what does it all matter?  At this point in my life, it doesn't. At this point, while it is paramount that I listen to my body and only give it what it needs to heal, the number on the scale is the thing that matters the least.  Of course, that is true in normal, regular every day life too.  What matters most is that I listen to my body and give it healthy, nourishing food.  The number on the scale still matters the least.

Better & Better

I am continuing to improve.  Yesterday's potty milestone seemed to be the gateway for more progress.  Although, I am quite content to play cant crush until I run out of lives, I feel stronger today.  I am glad for the desire to relax.  I know as I continue to feel better, I will have to pace myself.   I don't want to get bored and start pushing myself too hard.  I am going to enjoy feeling better at a slow and easy rate.

I Pooped in the Potty!

Several years ago there was a TV commercial for ToysRUs, that was based on an actual occurrence in the store.

I little girl comes in the store carried by her dad.  She tells every one that she sees, "I pooped in the potty."  Since the child's parents had told her if she pooped in the potty she could have a new toy.  She did, so she was collecting her reward.  As they went to pay for the new toy, there was a long line and she said, "A lot of people pooped in the potty today."

It was such a popular commercial that there were news segments about making the commercial and how that really happened.  Parents often use rewards to enforce positive behavior so that wasn't a surprise, but the little girl thinking that everyone was collecting a reward was the kicker.

Most of the time, people poop in the potty and no one thinks anything about it.  No one needs to rush out to the local toy store for a reward.  Sometimes, though, something that routine although unmentionable in polite company, rises to more epic proportions.  Pooping has for me this week.  

It is quite normal for the digestive system to become very sluggish after surgery.  It is caused by pain meds and anesthesia and diminished appetite.  The longer one goes without going the more opportunity for complications.  Being the overachiever that I am, I was determined not to have any of those complications.

Once, my good friend Timothy reminded me of the curative powers of prunes, I sent 65MD out for some.  Thy did as expected and I can check another box off my list of 'road to recovery' items.

Ramblings on Being Better

I am improving.  The road to recovery is long and I knew that going in.  Yesterday, I felt like I'd had a good day.  I got out of the bed and sat in the chair a couple of times during the day.  That felt great.  I wanted to watch the football game sitting up, but it became clear early on that wasn't a reasonable expectation.  I watched most of the game from the comfort of my bed and did so guilt free!

Since I felt so good during the afternoon and throughout the game, I decided to sit at the table for supper.  That was a huge mistake.  Although all I had done was maneuver myself to the kitchen table and sit down, I was sweating like I'd run a marathon in 100 degree weather.  Sweat was literally rolling down my body like I was in a shower.

65MD closed the curtains and I stripped naked!!  I told him, that I was sure this was a dream come true for him, just not quite the way he'd imagined.  As hard as I tried to hold on to my humor and make the best of the situation, I couldn't.  I broke down sobbing.  Talk about a major mood swing!!  It was all I could do to hold on and I was trying to keep some control over myself.

I ate a tiny piece of baked chicken, a tablespoon or two of mashed potatoes and a few peas.  Then I got sick.  Every bit of what I'd managed to choke down came back up.  I think the pain meds I am on are to blame for the mood swings and messed up digestion.  (TMI, but I haven't pooped since pre surgery.)  

My blood sugar was all over the place while I was in the hospital.  I am not diabetic and the doctor says that the high readings are the result of surgical trauma.  He's not as concerned as I am, although he is requiring me to check my glucose each morning.  I had two days of normal readings at home and now it is up again.  Just a tick outside the normal level, but still too high.

For now, my goals are small and have nothing to do with weight loss.  My goals are:

*Sit up for only as long as it feels good

*Eat what is healthy and nutritious

*Nap when I am sleepy

*Take medication on time

It will be a few weeks before my goals will be anything much different than those listed above.  That's OK. I'll continue to get stronger and feel better and that is what matters.

And I want to give a great big shout out to Timothy for mentioning me on his blog.  I appreciate every one's prayers on my behalf!

Resting at Home

I am home from the hospital and believe that the worst of this ordeal is behind me.  I admit I was quite nervous pre-op and in quite a bit of pain.  Then,  I woke up in post op with a whole new level of pain.  It was excruciating.  I was begging for any type of pain reliever I could have.  Too bad for me, that the pain relievers were making my breathing too shallow and my bp too low to administer as often as needed to do me any good.

During that horrible time, I had to have x-rays made of my hips. Those poor techs.  I tried my best to work with them and get the whole ordeal over with, but it was hard for all of us.  I screamed in agony every time I was moved or tried to move on my own.  Luckily, I saw those techs later and was able to laugh with them over it.  They totally understood.

I had my first physical therapy session on Tuesday afternoon (surgery was Tuesday morning). It hurt so bad I nearly fainted.  But I had made up my mind going in that I was going to do whatever I had to do to get better.  So, I gritted my teeth, groaned and kept going.

On Wednesday, they took my catheter out.  That did not make me happy because that meant I was going to have to get up to pee.  Getting up was, and still is, the hardest part.  I could not use my right leg at all to help.  I had to use my arms and abdominal muscles.  By the end of the day, I felt like I'd done about a million crunches.

I decided to think of it as a good thing.  If I could come out of this with a new hip, and ripped abs, it would be all worth it.  Not to mention some tone in the upper arms.  Oh yeah!

I came home yesterday, and this has been a real trial & error for 65MD and me.  We tried several different ways to get up the steps just to get in the house.  We managed.  I got inside and in the bed without damaging either one of us!  This morning we had an adventure getting the compression hose on.  None of the little tricks we'd been given helped and a couple seemed to make things worse.  We'll figure it out though.

I start therapy on Monday.  I will go three days per week for 3 or 4 weeks depending on how much progress I make.  Until Monday, I will do my exercises I have been given and enjoy the fact that the pain I feel now is temporary.

I ask all of my readers to please pray for 65MD.  He is working so hard to make sure that I am comfortable, it brings tears to my eyes.  He is a strong man and can take a lot.  I just don't like being the cause of additional stress for him.

I have no idea how much I weigh right now.  My perception is that I have eaten very little and moved a lot which is a good combination in the weight loss world.  On the other hand, I am still fairly swollen at the surgical site.  It would be silly for me to weigh.

I'll still try to post as I am coherent.  I appreciate everyone's concern~

Still Standing!

Well...not quite standing, still sitting is more like it.  I'm through all of my pre-op stuff and am now simply waiting until surgery.  I've been assured repeatedly that I'll feel better immediately.  One therapist told me I'd feel better in the recovery room.  I.can't.wait!

There is nothing to report on the weight loss front.  I'm just marking time until surgery and trying not to gain.  With my limited mobility, meaningful exercise is not happening.  I do have some pre-op exercises and then I'll have PT after.  I'm hoping to get some good moves from my therapist that I can use until all my restrictions are lifted and I can break out the belly dance DVD again!

Mini Update

There isn't much to say but I want to stay in the habit of blogging a couple of times a week, especially if I have to take another break after surgery.

My weight is up to 208.4, up 1.2 from my last report.  It doesn't make me happy but it isn't working on me like previous jumps.  For one, I know what is going on.  65MD have eaten out a lot lately and that, for me, spells gain.  We have celebrated my birthday, his birthday and today is our anniversary.  We will eat out again.

I'm trying to be smart with my food choices because I can't work out now.  Sadly, even cooking is getting harder.  I just can't stand up that long.  As much as I'd like to be under 200 lb before surgery, I don't see that being realistic any more.

The only exercise I get is shifting around when my hip hurts and my food choices are getting more and more limited to what I can grab and eat, like fruit.  I cook a good, healthy meal about once a week and we reheat the leftovers until they are gone. 65MD pitches in as much as he can (or I let him!) but he doesn't think about how many carbs, calories, fat grams etc are in a meal.

I'm OK with it all somehow though.  This is the way life has to be right now.  I'm doing my best, which is all I can do even under optimal circumstances.  I think taking away those lofty expectations I have of myself has given me some mental freedom.  I hope that is something I keep long after the surgery.

The Truth, the Whole Truth

I'm back from another unplanned, extended absence.  There are several reasons for this, if I am to be honest.  First, I feel bad.  This hip thing is really wearing me down and doing anything has become a major chore.  I only do what I must and this being the first of the month, it is a busy time with my work.  That has to come before blogging, unfortunately.

Coupled with that, is I'm not doing well weight-wise.  For the month of August I lost 1.2 pounds.  That is the truth.  On August 1 I weighed 208.4 and on August 31 I weighed 207.2 for a loss of 1.2 pounds.  The whole truth is, I lost 6.6 pounds, regained 7.2 and managed to squeeze back down 1.8 to eek out a loss for the month.

I don't like it.  I don't like admitting that I am not doing well.  Denial is a huge factor in that.  If I don't talk about it maybe I can fix it before I say anything.  Perfectionism is creeping in there too.  Confessing less than stellar results does not make me happy.

Then, there is a tendency on my part (and I think it is a good one for the most part) to try to put things in a positive light.  It helps me keep a more positive outlook on life.  I don't want to give that up, but trying to keep casting everything in the most positive way possible skews the image.  It makes me seem fake and unrealistic.  Who wants to reach out to someone that always has everything together?  It is intimidating.

I want to help everyone traveling down this same path.  I want to offer the wisdom of the lessons I've learned the hard way to save others the trouble.  I can't do that by appearing to have it all together.  I don't  And I won't for a long time!  I'm just doing the best I can with what I have.

Right now, the best I can is hobbling around the house.  There will be no meaningful exercise until PT after surgery.  That means that food intake has to be carefully controlled.  My expectations for weight loss are just lose what I can.  I am incredibly disappointed that I was so close to 199.8 and let it slip away.

I am trying to be completely honest with my situation and my feelings, yet still trying to remain positive.  I know this pain won't last forever.  

Riding the Roller Coaster

I stopped the hcg when I learned that I was going to have hip surgery.  I thought at the time it would just be a week or two until surgery.  If I had known that surgery was going to be 7 weeks away I would have stayed on it.  Of course, I didn't know that then and made the best decision with the information I had at the time.  I decided to stay off of it until after surgery and rehab because of the rigid nature of the hcg diet.  I knew I'd have to stop this week no matter what because of various social obligations with the start of a new semester, my birthday, 65MD's birthday and our anniversary.  It is easier to blend in social situations with a low carb diet than the hcg.  

I knew when I stopped that my weight would drift up no matter what.  I think the hcg must be a little dehydrating or something because there is always a bit of a bounce.  I stopped the hcg weighing 201.8.  I hung out there a couple of days much to my surprise.  I actually thought I might defy the odds this time and actually no experience the bounce.  Alas, I was wrong!!  My weight crept up to 205.2 over the weekend.  

While I didn't like this one bit, I didn't feel bigger.  My clothes didn't feel tighter.  In fact, I felt smaller and the dress I chose to wear on Sunday felt way too big.  So, I measured my waist.  It was down a full inch since stopping the shots!  Two people in recent days have commented on my weight loss.  (Both knew I was trying, but they wouldn't just say it if they didn't mean it.)

I know the scales are not an accurate measure of the changes going on inside.  At the same time, I know I'm not replacing fat with muscle because my hip keeps me from doing much meaningful exercise at all!  While I want to be under 200 lbs before surgery (and it is totally doable!), I'll take my clothes being looser and my friends complimenting my new smaller figure.  The scales will catch up.

Current Plan

Now that I've had a little time to live with the surgery date and think of good reasons to wait, like more time to prepare rather than the only bad one - I hurt.  I can do things about the pain and I've lived with it for this long what is 49 more days.  Yes, I counted!  Waiting for surgery will get us past both our birthdays, our anniversary and a fall trip.  I won't be as mobile as I'd prefer but I know that relief is coming and I can manage.

So the question at hand for me, is what to do in the meantime.  Do I go back on hcg, or try another plan to lose weight?  I still need to lose.  The more weight I get off this hip the better I will be now, and after the surgery.  

The hcg will knock the weight right off which is why I went back to it this summer.  It also requires a lot of mental toughness.  I have to do a lot of positive self talk prior to starting.  I have to do a lot of planning and forecasting regarding social events.  There is no way to eat socially and stay on plan.  It is just too restrictive.  I can manage when I see the scales move.

I only have so much of that mental toughness.  I feel like I am expending it getting ready for surgery and managing the pain between now & then.  The last two weeks on hcg, I felt myself crumbling under the pressure.  All of which, is leading me to stay on low carb until after the surgery.

On the other hand, if I don't do the hcg now, I may not be able to until the first of the year.  I'm not sure.  Recovery will take 3 or 4 weeks, so most of the month of October. I might be able to squeeze in three weeks between recovery and Thanksgiving.  It is not possible to know right now.  I don't want to delay any longer than I have to.

Of course, I can lose weight, just not as quickly on low carb.  It is just a lot easier mentally.  There are more options and I don't feel so confined and deprived.  Right now, I am leaning hard towards low carb at least through the surgery date.  Although, I reserve the right to change my mind!

I am so very close to ONEderland once again.  I weigh 201.8.  Two measly little pounds and I'll be there. I should be there and then some by the time the surgery date gets here.

Hard Weekend

I had a hard weekend folks.  Since I promised myself that this blog would be true to the realities of weight loss, I'm sharing.

First, I stopped the hcg shots.  That is always hard.  The hardest part is staying on plan for 48 hours after the last shot.  Hunger begins to return along with all sorts of "very good" reasons to eat before the 48 hours is up.  The closer it gets to 48 hours the harder it is.  I managed to stay strong and not indulge.

Second this whole surgery thing has thrown me for a loop.  Suddenly, I'm helpless.  Not really, but I started thinking that maybe I shouldn't sweep the floor or do various other household tasks that I do all the time.  It is weird.  

Plus, I'm not good living in limbo.  I spent the whole weekend second guessing if I should plan this or that.  What if I plan something and that is surgery time?  What if surgery is this date and rehab takes longer than three weeks/

I spent the whole weekend battling with myself.  Should I do this or that?  Should I eat this or not?  It was torture.  As I said, I stayed strong and did not eat off of plan, that was the bright spot of the weekend.

Today, I have the surgery date - September 30.  Much too long to wait I think, but nothing I can do about it.  Sigh!  I'll, once again, have to stay strong until then.  Now, I need to decide if I should start back on the hcg between now & then.  

Hip News

Hip as in my joint not as cool news, LOL!!

65MD and I saw the surgeon today.  He agreed that total replacement is the right option for my situation.  In addition to the arthritis I have spurs and cysts which add to the pain.  I felt strangely vindicated when I heard that news.  Like the pain was validated some how.  I'd begun to worry if I had a true concept of pain any more.  I do!!

Right now, we are once again waiting.  Waiting for insurance approval and then for the scheduler to call with the next available surgery date.  All I know now is that the doctor does surgery on Tuesdays.  I doubt I'd be so lucky to have surgery on August 12, but stranger things have happened.

The sooner the better for a couple of reasons.  First, I'm ready for this phase of my life to be over.  I ready to be pain free, obviously.  Second, 65MD is a university professor and classes are starting soon.  If the surgery can happen next week, he won't have to dismiss class or make other arrangements.  I don't want him to start the semester that way, even though he is largely unconcerned about it.  Finally, we have a trip scheduled for the last week of September.  Not going won't be the end of the world, but I'd like to go.  I can relax better away from home.  I don't feel like I need to be doing something.  I can nap without guilt.  Stuff like that.

As far as weight loss goes, I'm stopping the shots as of today.  It takes 48 hours for the hcg to get out of the system and the extreme diet must be followed during that time.  I don't want to stop the shots too late and have to worry about plan approved foods and such for that 48 hours.  So, I'm going back to low carb between now and the surgery.  Stopping the shots is my biggest disappointment because I am so close to ONEderland.   But, the hcg will be there when I am ready to resume, whenever that is.

My goals on the weight loss front are:

*Get to 199.8 before surgery, which is attainable even if surgery is August 12

*Stay at 199.8 or lower until rehab is over. 

Once I am back to full strength look out world.  I'll be ready to slide right down to my goal weight and put this phase of my life behind me too!

My Hip History

But first, thanks for the affirmations regarding my new goal weight.  I feel good about the decision and the positive comments reinforced that.  Now, on to my hips!

I have had issues with my right hip for longer than I can remember.  That is the reason I am writing this post.  I want to capture as much of the information as I can recall in one place.  

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with arthritis in my right hip and prescribed naproxen (OTC Aleve).  It did the trick dealing with the pain and I moved on.  I took the medication only as needed and really didn't think about it too much.  

In October 2012, I decided to give P90X a whirl.  I thought I had my eating under control and needed to kick my workout program up a notch.  I wound up kicking my hip joint right out of place.  I was in incredible pain particularly when moving from a sitting to a standing position.  I finally went to the doctor in November.  He sent me to an orthopaedist who noticed that the ball of my femur was flat on top, thus allowing it to slip out of the socket.  My leg was put back in place and I went to therapy for several weeks.  It got better.  I don't think it ever got good.  It is hard for me to remember a time since then that I haven't had some level of pain in my right hip.

Early this year as I was anticipating travel and weddings to come, the arthritis flared again.  I tried to cope with it since I had too much fun on the agenda to go to the doctor.  That wasn't a good plan, and I wound up causing the bursa in my hip joints to flare creating double pain.  I went to the doctor.  He sent me to a rheumatologist for the bursitis.

That doctor believed my problem stemmed from the arthritis and gave me a shot.  It helped.  But only for a time.  During the last couple of months, it has gotten progressively worse.  Again, I had too much fun on my agenda to go to the doctor until today.

This time, I have a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon, for hip replacement consultation.  I'm ready.  I want the replacement to happen ASAP.  I have birthdays, anniversary and travel on the horizon.  I want to enjoy all of those events without pain in my hip.

I'll post again tomorrow after the appointment to share the treatment plan.

On the weight loss front, the scales are being kind.  I'm past the half way point.  I have fewer pounds to lose than I have already lost!!  That is good.  I'm sure once the surgery happens, the weight loss will continue as I will be able to move more freely.  

The Party's Over

My out of town sister and her children stayed in town until Saturday.  The bride and groom returned from their honeymoon on Friday, so we had one last party on Saturday before my sister and her family left.  The bride and groom leave early in the morning for their new home, and I'm planning a quick visit with them this afternoon.  Tomorrow, it is back to business as usual for me.  I love my family so much, it makes me a little sad.  At the same time, I need to do a few things like laundry and blogging.

For the record, for the month of July I lost 2 pounds.  Mostly, I did a very relaxed low carb way of eating.  I am glad for the loss.  Now that I am back on the hcg, I'll have another big drop down the scale.  I am very close to my "Goal Weight" of 199.8.  And, after a lot of soul searching, I have decided that my ultimate goal weight is 165.

There are several reasons for this:

*One, it is the weight my doctor set for me years ago.  That should be enough reason to accept it.  Sadly, I didn't. 

*Two, it is attainable.  I have actually gotten below 165 on this journey.  My lowest weight was 162.8!

*Three, I think is it maintainable, which is the biggest thing as far as I am concerned.

I think the perfectionism I battle so much is what made me hang on to the dream of 145.  As a result, I wasted a lot of time and energy, not to mention money on various plans, books etc trying to prove that I knew better than my doctor!

Maintenance is a bit of a scary thing for me still.  Mostly because it has never happened for me.  I seem to be either gaining or losing, not staying still.   I understand that my weight will fluctuate and don't expect to weigh anything, not even 165, exactly all of the time.  All along I have said that my goal maintenance would be 143 to 147.  Now, that will be 163 to 167.  That seems reasonable to me.

When I declare myself finally at goal weight, I will wait until I am at the 163 mark, or maybe even down to 160.  My history indicates that the moment, I stop actively trying to lose weight, I'll pop back up 2 or 3 pounds.  So, I want to give myself a bit of a cushion in the beginning for my own mental health.  

I feel good about my decision.  I am a human woman.  I'll always have bumps and lumps that I don't like no matter what the scale says. (Although, I reserve the right to have some excess skin removed!)  I need to accept that.  I've accomplished a lot in losing 50 pounds from my highest weight.  I am celebrating that victory as I work towards my next goal weight.

Sweet Wedding

We had a precious wedding on Saturday evening.  It was everything the bride and groom wanted it to be.  The bride's father called it magical and I agree.  The bride said she looked up during the reception and saw all of our handiwork throughout the summer and felt surrounded by love.  I did too.  It was a delightful evening.  

It was very hot, which is to be expected in July, even though we had moderate days before and since.  Oh well.  The heat made the carrot cake sort of melt.  I felt like I was serving it by the spoonful rather than slice. I took a couple of bites of it because I was just a little concerned that it might not taste so good.  I need not have worried, it was scrumptous even if I do say so myself.  It was devoured as was the tree stump cake. (i haven't got a picture of the cakes yet, but if I do I'll post it.) Apparently, the bride's family doesn't often get scratch made cakes and loved it.

Those few bites of cake was all the food I had at the reception.  I was too busy enjoying myself and never even thought about eating.  That coupled with the extreme heat, allowed me to lose 0.2 lbs over night!!  

I started back on the hcg injections.  I didn't want to put that off at all even with family still in town.  The last of the family will leave over the weekend.  I expect to be back to my more regular blogging & commenting then.  I'll also share the July stats.

Have a great weekend.  Be back Monday - maybe!

It Is Wedding Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am giddy with excitement and stifled by the amount of stuff I agreed to do between now and Saturday.  Family has started arriving and I am all about that.  I love it when everyone is in town.  We always have a blast and I know this weekend will be no exception.  I have two cakes to bake & decorate plus various errands to run on behalf of the bride & groom.   Although, I am overwhelmed with the 'stuff' I would not have it any other way.  I am absolutely thrilled that I am in a position to help.

As far as eating goes, I have given myself permission to go with the flow this weekend.  This is not permission to eat anything and everything all willy-nilly.  This is more of a mind game, in which I allow myself to eat whatever is served if I don't have a choice.  That way, I don't feel like I blew it and eat out of remorse or guilt.  

I start back on the hcg injections next week.  That should get the ball rolling back in the right direction.  I have not lost the stress weight I gained after getting the bad news.  I've gone up and down but not below that lowest point.  I know once I am able to focus again, that will drop right back off along with 20 or so of their friends!

Life is good now and I plan to relish every last second of it.

I Ate Corn

I ate corn and gained two pounds.  It was corn!  Fresh corn, straight from the garden.  I cut if off the cob and cooked it myself.  Why, oh why does my body have to overreact so violently to carbs!

Thank YOU!

This morning I woke in despair over 'the situation.'  I sobbed and sobbed.  I'd get control of my emotions, but the sadness and frustration would wash over me like a wave and the tears would begin again.  Deep inside, I knew things would work out, but I couldn't imagine how or when.

I sucked it up and got about my day as planned.  I still felt like a cloud was hanging over my head.  I decided I had to learn to live with it.  This would be my 'new normal'  (I hate that phrase!) and I would just have to concentrate on what was right in my life and put aside this part over which I had no control.

Very soon after having those thoughts things took an unexpected but very welcome turn.  This thing that had consumed just about every waking moment since Saturday practically vanished.  I cannot explain how it happened since I'm still not at liberty to discuss the details, but the problem is no longer present.

I know that a lot of my readers stood with me in prayer over this even though the specifics were not known to them.  I believe those prayers were heard and answered.  All I can do is say "Thank you!"  Maybe there will come a time when I can share exactly what happened so everyone can know and marvel as I do now.  

This morning I was a mess.  This afternoon, I am giddy with joy.  Thank you!

My Amazing Family

I am so very blessed to have a family that gets along.  We don't always agree but we respect each other and the different opinions that happen in any group.  We genuinely enjoy the company of each other.  Once again, we have pulled together during a difficult time to work through the hard spots together.  We have a rough road ahead.  There is a dark cloud over us that is making it hard to see the good part.  We are sure that everything will work out as it should but it will be hard to live through it.  So for now, I am concentrating on the one good thing I know for sure - my family is amazing.  We will get through this.

As hard as I tried yesterday to get back in full swing of my eating plan, it didn't quite happen.  There was no binge or major pig fest, but I ate a couple of slices of banana blueberry bread that I had made for Sunday.  Food still has little appeal.  The bread was readily available.  I have put it out of sight and that should take care of it.  In spite of that indiscretion, I did well with my eating and lost 0.8 of the regain.  That leaves 2.4 lbs to go to get back to where I was before this began.

Saturday

When I went to bed Friday night, I knew that Saturday was going to be a busy day.  It would be one of those days where I had to stay on task all day to accomplish everything that I had planned.  I had no idea just how the day would turn.

My plans were to clean house thoroughly and prep a meal for Sunday. Sunday was the day my family had selected for our monthly meal together. Coupled with that, 65MD's daughter was coming through town and needed a place to stay Saturday night.  Since our day was already quite full we agreed to take her to dinner that night rather than try and prepare another meal, not to mention the extra cleaning.  We selected a place we knew would be good for our eating plans, no issues there.

I began checking items off my list as planned, when I got some news I did not want to hear.  (I am sorry to do this, but I can't share the news.  I've been asked not to, but no one is dead or near death.)  I had been praying against this very issue for so long, I was stunned when I got the word.  I really felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.  Suddenly, nothing really mattered about the meal prep or the house cleaning.

I told myself over and over that this all would work out for the best and I didn't know the end of the story yet and all of those platitudes that are supposed to help.  That are supposed to make folks feel better, but it didn't help.

65MD's daughter had the unfortunate timing to show up just as I'd gotten the news.  I was too overcome to do anything more that sit like a statue while she prattled on about her trip and the various other 'goings on' in her life.  I hadn't even told 65MD yet.  When she went outside to get her bags in for the night, I broke down sobbing and told 65MD.  Of course, there was nothing to be done at the time so we went out to eat as planned.  I didn't even look at the menu.  I knew what I wanted and ordered it.  I could hardly eat though.  I ate what I could and brought the rest home. (It is still in the refrigerator.)

My family came over yesterday as planned.  They had all gotten the same news.  It was good for us to be together and sort things out a bit. Again, I couldn't eat.  The food had no appeal and little taste.  In an effort to find something tasty, I allowed myself some carbs that ordinarily I would not have. They weren't good either.

While, I did not keep a food log, my perception is that I have eaten very little since midday on Saturday, but my weight is up over 3 pounds!!!  I know the carbs have caused me to hold water, and I'm wondering if there is some sort of stress reaction going on too.  Our bodies are more delicate than we realize and react in strange ways.  

I'm doing my best to tow the line today about my eating.   Even though my heart isn't in it right now, I know for sure that if I allow myself to regain any more weight it will only frustrate me further and I have all I can deal with now from the other situation.

I am sorry this is so cryptic.  I know the situation will be resolved when the time is right and all will be well.  It is just hard to live through.  Thanks in advance for supporting me through this.

An Insight from a Quick Trip

65MD and I went to see some of his peeps out of state over the holiday weekend.  It was a quick trip.  We both wished it could have been longer, but a short trip was better than no trip.  We spent only one night away from home, at his sister's house.

SIL, as long as I've known her, has never had a weight problem.  Her weight, in the 15+ years I've known her, has seemed quite stable.  Her weight appeared to be just where it needed to be not too heavy or too thin.  And didn't seem to change from one time seeing her to the next.  

Whenever we have been together she seemed to have eaten whatever she wanted.  Things like potato chips, cookies, sweet beverages.  All those things that I avoid, she ate.  She is a slow eater and has no issues leaving food on her plate once she's had her fill.  At the same time, I've been in situations where she has eaten beyond full if her comments later were to be believed.  Still her weight seemed to remain constant.

This time when I saw her she looked a bit heavy.  I dismissed it immediately, thinking it had to be the cut of her clothes or a trick of the light, something.  After all, her weight never seemed to change, ever.

During the visit, though, she confessed to me that she'd gained 8 pounds over the winter.  She retired at the end of last year.  She took early retirement because her husband was quite ill and she wanted to be more available to him.  They had a hard winter with surgeries, rehab, and all sorts of doctor visits.  That, added with the bitterly cold weather, kept them inside most of the time.  She said that the only thing they had to do was eat.

I should add at this point that SIL does not cook.  Her husband always did, but wasn't able to during the winter months.  They relied heavily on take out, friends, and various other quick, easy to prepare (heat & eat) or snack type foods.

She was distressed that the pounds had crept on and her clothes were no longer comfortable.  She sought advise from me as to how to get the weight off this summer.  I must admit that initially, anger flared inside me. I thought she should just get over those 8 little pounds and come talk to me when she had 80 pounds to lose.  Almost immediately, I realized the fallacy of that thinking.

That thinking is why I got in the shape I am now.  If I had dealt with 8 pounds when they crept up, I wouldn't be on this journey now.  So, I commended her on being concerned.  Shared some of the things that had worked for me, like keeping those simple carbs low and we had a nice chat about the issues surrounding the gain and better strategies for both of us to keep our weight in check.  It was a good thing.

 I think, she helped me far more than I helped her!

June Stats & Yesterday

For the month of June I lost a whopping 16.2 lbs, and 16.5 inches.   I love the kick-start hcg gives me.  I'm prepared to keep the momentum going in July while I am off the injections.

I had a very good day yesterday.  I ate breakfast a little late.  I got some unexpected news early in the day which kept me off kilter all day.  It wasn't bad news - everything is fine. I am just a planner and so yesterday I rolled with the punches rather than my plan.

For breakfast, I ate some leftover beef tips on a low carb tortilla spread with laughing cow cheese.  It was quite yummy and kept me full well in to the afternoon.  I was quite busy most of the day and when I realized mid afternoon that I had not eaten since late morning, I was a little shocked.  

I went in to the kitchen to see what I could find for a small lunch.  I got a very small handful of cashews as I looked.  I realized that I really was not hungry and should not force myself to eat.  65MD gets home a little earlier in the summer and I thought we'd have an early supper if I got hungry. So lunch was maybe a tablespoon of cashews.

65MD got home and I mentioned grilling steaks for supper and he was quite amenable to that idea!!  The area where we grill gets the full bore of the afternoon sun.  It was quite hot and since neither one of us were hungry we decided to let the sun's rays ease a little bit before making a fire and adding to the heat!!!

At 7:00 pm I decided that we needed to cook regardless of hunger.  There was a show coming on at 8:00 that I didn't want to miss.  In addition to the grilled steaks, I steamed some broccoli and made some cheese sauce.  It was a very tasty meal for virtually zero carbs.  65MD enjoyed it so much he's already requested the meal again.  He is a low carb convert!

If my start to this phase of the plan is any indication, I'll have more good news to share on August 1.

Transition Time

Over the weekend, I transitioned from the very low calorie hcg diet to low carb.  This always makes me a bit nervous.  As hard as it is physically & mentally to follow the hcg plan, there is some security there.  I know exactly what I can eat so most of the choices are gone.  I eat what is allowed and move on.  I generally know how my body will respond as well, which makes sticking to plan a little easier.

Over the last week, my losses had slowed down a lot which is a signal that it is time to move on.  I was glad that my body was responding appropriately and I was ready to eat some meat!! That is where the scary part creeps in.  The boundaries are looser.  I have more choices of what to eat and how much. 

The low carb plan is like Atkins in that all carbs are kept to a minimum, even good ones like fruit.  Unlike, Atkins amounts & calories still count.  So, eating a whole pound of bacon is not allowed. Still, I am fearful of piling in protein as if it is free food and undoing all my hard work the past four weeks.

So far, I've been enjoying more protein than the past for weeks, but my appetite has diminished so that I have not gone overboard.  I'm trying hard to listen to my body and respond to hunger and satiety without going into overfull.

Even though thoughts of brownies & ice cream dance in my head, they are still off limits.  As long as I continue to see them as 'not for me' and allow myself treats like almonds and walnuts, I think I'll make it.  Plus I have a wedding the last Saturday in July and I want to look good in the pictures!  Seeing another 0.4 lb slip off this morning helped as well.

I've got a death drip on this now.  I don't want to lose focus and gain weight.  I haven't got it in me to re-lose these pounds yet again.  They have got to be gone forever this time.

Embrace the Struggle

"Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last...

Those opening lines to Big Daddy Weave's "Redeemed" were running through my head yesterday morning as I read this from Jesus Calling:

"Thank Me for the very things that are troubling you...you are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining...the best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving...Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first.  But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heart.  Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows your problems.

 Of course this was read with the struggle of weight loss on my mind.  Because it is.  Constantly.  It has been a struggle since I started in March, 2009.  There have been sweet spots of weight loss to be sure, but it hasn't been that way all along.  Obviously.  If I had a straight line down the scale, this blog would have a very different tone.  Besides, the fact that I would have achieved my goal weight a long time ago.

Nope.  Instead I struggled and I still do.

Somehow as I read those words and heard those lyrics in my head yesterday, it all made sense.  I had to struggle.  And as much as I hate to type this, the struggle isn't over.  The struggle is vital.  Without the struggle weight loss will never be permanent.  The struggle is required to rewire my brain.  To retrain my head and heart to think about food differently.  That isn't easy.

The struggle is also a necessity because of compassion.  If, five years ago, I skated down the scales without a hitch, I'd have little to no compassion for others walking this path.  Now, I look around me and see the others on this journey and my heart goes out to them.  I want to  help.  I want to share the lessons I've learned.  I know that every one's struggle is different; what helps me may or may not help another.  Still I am compelled to offer what I can.

As much as I want to help and share, I need to receive help from my fellow travelers.  That is probably the hardest part.  Maybe even harder than turning down some off limits food.  I don't like admitting that I need help.  We are all on this journey together.  I am no better and I am no worse than anyone else traveling this path.  We all have our own struggles. And together we will overcome the struggles.  Together we will get the healthy bodies we so desire.

Thanks for being my travel companion!